Nov. 7, 2020

Stupid Keyboard

I didn't get to make an entry yesterday because I could not get my keys working for anything. I would do all of my usual tricks in Notepad or my journal on 4thewords only to have them immediately stop working when I switched to a different tab. Or they'd work fine for one or two letters then stop working again. I just gave up.

Miraculously, they were working when I got up this morning so I'm trying to squeeze in all the writing I didn't get to do yesterday like this journal, blog posts, comments on forums. I feel so isolated because of the keyboard issues. I can't even chat with people online anymore because it either takes way too long to type out a simple answer because I have to get the keys working or each instance of the letter or I have to copy/paste each use of the letter. I just can't quickly throw out an answer to a question or something anymore. It's frustrating, and not knowing when the keys will suddenly stop working, is giving me anxiety right now because I know they will stop and make my life difficult.

I've switched to doing my NaNo on paper because of the keyboard issue. I can't write my story with all of those errors. It would take forever to edit and cause more headaches. I wasn't getting any writing done because of it and am still stuck on chapter 54 (started with 53). I managed to get one and a half hand-written pages done. Which is probably a few hundred words. I'm so far behind now, but I'm still so tired all of the time--I can't focus on it.

I did my sleep test yesterday. And of course, I didn't sleep well at all. I couldn't fall asleep because of all the anxiety and I'm no longer taking the med that knocks me out an hour after taking it. So now I have anxiety that the test won't show anything or I'll have to do it again because i didn't sleep well enough. Which is just more waiting around. I won't even find out the results of this test until next Thursday. Then there will be more waiting for follow up appointments or getting approval from insurance either for a breathing machine or redoing the test. It'll be December or January before I even know what's going on probably.

This was the third night of taking just one lithium pill. Still no side effects that I noticed so tonight, and for the next week, I take two pills. And if everything goes okay, I'll start on the full dose of three pills each day. Hopefully, I'll see a little difference in function before that, but it's really hard to tell if anything is working because of the fatigue which is most likely caused by the apnea which isn't being treated yet. I really won't know until I get that figured out. And like I said, with my luck, that won't be until December or January.

So now it's just a waiting game.

If they say I don't have apnea... I just don't even know what to do then. That means this chronic fatigue has no cause and no treatment. I'll just be this tired all of the time the rest of my life. Unable to work or take care of my family or enjoy anything. I'm too tired to do fun things walks with my grandson or trips to the beach. I just don't have the energy.

Like right now... I supposedly got 7.5 hours of sleep, and I've been up for an hour now, but all I want to do is crawl back in bed because I'm so tired. The only way I'll be able to do anything is if I got make coffee and drink the entire pot myself. And that will only make me alert enough to keep up with a message board or watch Netflix. I probably still won't be able to write. And it will only last a couple hours. Then I'll want to go back to bed.

Written by justanotherjen

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