Nov. 13, 2020

Up and Down Sleep Is Killing Me

I can't wait for this medical device supplier to finally get back to us because this sleep apnea and everything going along with it is killing me. I have one good day where I might get one or two things done and don't spend the entire day in a fog, but it's followed by at least one day where I barely get out of bed and can't function. Yesterday was a good day. I got a bunch of writing done and mostly stayed up (minus the short nap my husband made me take). I felt alert for the most part but then things got bad at bedtime when I couldn't fall sleep at all. I didn't fall asleep until around 1am and tossed and turned all night. Got woke up by the cats at 4am and went downstairs to let them outside or they'll pee on everything. Then couldn't fall back asleep until after 5am only to have my alarm go off at 7am. Ugh.

I finally dragged myself out of bed around 7:30 and made coffee, but I was completely out of it. I did try to do some writing before I even opened my laptop but only got about a page handwritten (maybe a couple hundred words). At that point, I couldn't focus anymore and gave up. I just sat on the computer going back and forth from different social media sites until 1pm. Then I tried to nap, but I could not fall asleep. I was absolutely freezing but too fatigued to get up and find another blanket.

Then I kept waking up gasping for air. It was quick and almost unnoticeable except I have been noticing these things more often since I went to my first sleep med appointment. Every few minutes, I'd wake up with a quick intake of breath through the nose. No wonder I never feel rested. I stayed in bed until around 4pm when I really had to pee. Since then I'm just sat here like a slug, utterly exhausted.

My oldest daughter cooked dinner so I didn't have to. Some kind of curry which I don't like (gives me heartburn), but she was nice enough to make some chicken without the curry sauce on it. Problem is she didn't put any seasoning on the chicken at all. I at least always put garlic and onion powder on my plain chicken. And no one thought to put any salt on my food. It was just plain, bland white rice with some veggies and a few unseasoned chicken pieces. I was too tired to go downstairs and get the salt so I just ate it. It was the only thing I ate besides a sausage sandwich (microwave breakfast sausage patty with American cheese on wheat bread) at 8am.

My reality is determined to get me to lose weight because we just don't have anymore food. This is honestly the only way I've ever lost significant weight in the past. I don't recommend it. Years ago, we had a spread of time like this when there wasn't money for groceries. I cooked everything in the house that we had and was down to eating one meal every other night so the kids could have more food. Even the teens were down to one meal per day so the youngest two could get two meals. Portions were something you would feed a small child like half a boneless/skinless chicken breast, a spoonful of instant mashed potatoes and ten green beans. That's all I would eat for two days. The hunger migraines were awful so I slept most of the time to deal with it. I ended up losing 20lbs in a few weeks, though.

I really don't want to do that again but food is becoming an issue. I do have $1200 in food stamps from a COVID relief thing (my kids are on the free/reduced lunch program so they gave us all the money we didn't use because schools closed). I'm trying to save it for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm hoping to stock up a bit and get the turkey on Thursday. That will probably be at least $500 and won't even full stock our freezer/cupboards which are bare. I can actually shut the deep freeze off now. There's nothing in it. We're a family of eight now that the 19yo son moved back home.

The food situation is stressing me out and worrying about paying for all these doctor visits. Just got a bill for $100 for all the copays I haven't paid because of online appointments. I don't have the money to pay them and have no idea how much this CPAP machine will cost after insurance. Oh and I just got an email that my credit card payment is due. And come the end of January, I have to finally start paying on my student loan again which has been on hold because of COVID since March. We're struggling to get by now without paying it. Things are about to get bad. Don't even get me started on Christmas. At the moment, I have exactly $20 to split between five kids and grandson.

I think I'm going to try and watch a little Netflix or something and just go to bed

Written by justanotherjen

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