Dec. 22, 2020

Anticipation, Fear

Yesterday I didn't have enough energy to finish my workout after all... I did my stretches and then started having hot flashes. After they settled I just went to bed instead. I want to work out today still, but again I have no energy. I used it all up moving furniture around and carrying things down to the basement from the attic.

Lately I've been neglecting to take my medicine first thing in the morning and not realizing until way later in the day. I need to remember to take them first thing or this happens. I get all disoriented and spacey. I spent a lot of today just tranced out, unable to really focus on anything.

Today I went back out and exchanged the table I got for a smaller one. The other one was way too big. This one fits perfectly and is the same as the one I already have, so I've got two matching tables. I decided that I don't really like my computer on that one because the chair alone is uncomfortable, it turns out. When it's in front of my TV, I actually have more flexibility with how I sit which is important for my arthritis. So it's a little annoying to use the larger TV, it's just too big for me honestly. It was a nice gift though. Lately I've been feeling a bit sad that the person who gave it to me is no longer in my life because of something terrible that I did. He has every right to hate me, but I wish I could set it right.

I keep having more and more hot flashes tonight. I still haven't taken either hormone. I'm afraid to inject and I'm afraid of the migraine the pill will cause so I've been holding off.

The other day I ate very little at all. Today I ate a lot better and had a bit of an appetite, so I filled it with soup! Winter time is for soups, when I'm inside nice and warm~ Oh, apparently we got 10 inches of snow when we had that blizzard. It's still piled up outside, though a lot of it melted today.

I haven't opened up my new card packs yet either. I noticed I do that with things like card packs. I just hold onto them and never open them because... I don't know why really. I'll open them eventually and it will be fun. Then I have an excuse to hang out with Brett and play the game some. It would be really nice to have some company. Other than my roommate's partner driving me around all the time lately I haven't been hanging out with anyone because of covid. I'm not an extrovert, but it's starting to make me feel lonely. I feel rather disconnected from people and sad. I feel purposeless and alone. I'm not special to anyone in particular...

Written by iyazo

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Posted On Dec 23, 2020

I'm in my room about 99% of the time these days, completely alone, and I'm satisfied because this is what I want. I see my parents for a few minutes a day, and that's only when I leave my room. I've lived in a dorm room before with a bunch of people, I was more depressed there than alone here. Maybe joining some online communities like in Discord would help? For some reason I do not feel alone at all, I feel connected with you and everyone else I get in contact with.

Posted On Dec 24, 2020

@JustMegawatt Aww well I'm glad. Maybe it's just me, failing to connect with people. I'm on a few different discord servers and although I'm a little shy I even actually run my own for my friends and stuff. I don't really know why I feel so lonely as I have pets too. I spend most of my time shut away up here in the attic with my rats and that's it. I just feel disconnected...

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