Jan. 9, 2021

Gender Dysphoria Blues

I was asked what it feels like to be nonbinary and I'm still in a place where I feel at odds with my gender and presentation. I keep thinking about how I'm most often gendered "correctly" when I wear dresses or "feminine clothes" (male pronouns, which is close enough), and get "misgendered" more when I try to present more as male/nonbinary...what's up with that??

I've become so tired that I've stopped correcting people who use "she" even though that is the one pronoun I do not use for myself. I had a surgery that permanently changed how I was transitioning.... I guess today I'm having a bad dysphoria day, but I have no idea how to make it right...

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel anymore. I struggle with the idea that I'm "not trans enough" anymore because I stopped taking testosterone because it was making me violently angry all the time (I had twice the amount in my system that I should, but didn't know that at the time). I've thought about going back on, but I know after being on it for many years that doesn't stop me from getting misgendered either.

I get people who chase after me because they want some kind of "exotic" experience, because I'm transgender and they make assumptions about my genitals or my transition in general, let alone the fact that these people don't care about me as a human being. So dating since I came out as trans has been impossible. It has been years. I'm lonely for human connection that rats, kittens, and puppies can't fix or replace.

It's just a lot to put up with on top of depression and my agoraphobia getting really bad again, all I want to do is cry, but I can't even do that. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm just tired of never being good enough

I crossposted this vent from facebook because it's a lot I had to get off of my chest for a while now. There's a lot from the conversation I had with my friend that I want to put here, but for the sake of her privacy I won't because it was basically us relating to each other's struggles with being transgender, feeling like we're sometimes encroaching on spaces where we aren't fully welcome, and being generally uncomfortable in our own skin and clothes.

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I woke up around noon today and just wanted to go back to sleep, I was feeling so depressed. Not even my vape has been helping me feel much better, but I've been trying to cut back on how much I use it so that I can save money... So that could be at least part of the reason that my mood is tanking right now, too. Right away I thought to myself that I need to get some work done and start posting things to ebay. I have a bunch of things ready to go, I just need to take the next step and actually post things. I'm worried that things won't sell or they'll go for less than I intended if I set the price low to start...

Realistically what's going to happen is I'll find something I want to do more and do that instead, unless I find something I dread and want to do less than posting... that's how my brain works. I can't seem to get past the hurdle of just posting the items for some reason. I still have to do my workout and yoga for today so I might do that....

What I want to do and likely will do is play around on duolingo. I think it's pretty fun. I just picked up Japanese again and am relearning the alphabets they use, though I remember a decent bit from all those years ago when I was in college (I can't believe that was nearly a decade ago! Time flies!)

Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm going to celebrate it by hopefully treating myself to something from cure (even though I just said I was cutting back... I'm not sure how else to treat myself. What do I even like anymore? lol). I'll see how my energy levels are and plan my day from there as usual. I wish I could have thrown a party, but nothing to be done about it with covid... I couldn't even attend the funeral of my friend, Angel. They did hold one, but I didn't want to expose myself to a bunch of people, and unfortunately I saw the message about his wake too late to attend anyhow.

I didn't really accomplish anything today. I was feeling rather depressed so all I did was play digimon cyber sleuth hacker's memory. I just started it today after clearing the main cyber sleuth game and I got most of the way through chapter 4 before I got tired of it. I'm going to end up feeling burned out if I keep doing things like that every day, just binging on one thing until I get sick of it...

I haven't done any more drawing on my tablet yet... I'm not really sure what I want to draw.

Written by iyazo

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