Last night all of the sudden I heard a bunch of squeaking from the cage, which triggered me... When I lifted up the fleece, Jojo was dead... I don't want to talk about it much more than that. I was and am still very much upset. It was a really traumatic situation. I ended up taking the trash out along with him since the ground is too hard in winter and I don't have a shovel to dig a grave for him... I guess that seems a bit cold, throwing him away in the trash, but not much else I can do. My other three boys are fine though they seemed a little bit shocked about what happened. I left Jojo in long enough so that they could go up and sniff him and say goodbye. When I took him away they seemed to understand that he wasn't coming back. He would bully the other rats and pick fights, he would nip me, and he froze up whenever I would pet him like he was afraid or very nervous... So I won't lie, he was kind of a difficult pet, but I still feel bad about what happened and I'll miss him.
I really need to get my emotions back under control. I've been very depressed lately even though nothing has really changed. I must have been crying in my sleep again because I woke up super congested with a headache. After vaping I feel a little better, so I'm glad that was able to give me some relief, but it doesn't get rid of the pain I feel. After I went out, I found Jena who had fallen asleep on the porch (I didn't notice them until they sat up and said "who goes there?" in a startled voice, when I took out the trash. I told them what happened and they gave me a hug and we sat and chatted for a while about it and some different things. We got high and huddled by the heater for warmth with a shared blanket. We put it over the heater which reminded me of a kotatsu. I did feel a little better after I first talked about it, because I felt like I couldn't cry at the time, I was still in shock and felt like everything was my fault- it was my fault that Jojo had died...
Jena is a very comforting person. Something they call being "a good Jewish mother" and they are indeed. I'm really grateful to have them in my life. I should spend more time with them when I can.
I woke up to missing a call from my therapists office, so I called them back (at this point, I was a half hour late for my appointment). She still saw me for the rest of the half hour though so that was good. Even then with all that I had to say it felt long, because my therapist doesn't really talk or add much input at all. Her suggestion to me was to take a walk, which I can't take because my stress levels are through the roof so my agoraphobia is really bad and I don't even want to leave my room. She said at least take it easy for today. I just lost my pet, even if it was my fault...
Jena had asked me what was up with my money situation again last night while we were talking and I explained that I had been paying with my secured credit card and I have been getting my full $800 a month.... So I'm just not paying my full rent because I can't live on $200 a month with all of my medical, pet, and other expenses... I know I'm living beyond my means and I really hope that they won't kick me out. They keep saying how much they like me and they're glad that I'm here and couldn't have asked for a better roommate, but I still really worry..... So I guess I really can't drop what I'm sending to $300 now like I was planning to try and set up a savings for myself... Probably not the best time to be talking about another stressor, but I do need to send over my rent for this month still because we're about half way through it already! I hope that time continues to pass quickly.
Today I had another friend request from someone on facebook that I don't know. I keep getting a lot of them lately and don't know why all of the sudden. I only added one of the people who has friends in common with me, but I don't think they live in this area currently, although I'm guessing that they used to. The other people I just do not know at all and it's probably spam.
I keep going back and forth through waves of anxiety. I don't know how I'm supposed to take it easy today. I should be getting my shit together and posting on ebay to try and bring in more money but... not today... Probably not going to be this week. I just can't do it right now. I'm just so tired of everything going wrong. I keep listening to BTS' Zero O' Clock wondering when I'm going to be happy again. I've been trying to memorize the lyrics so that I can sing along, but something about that song leaves a hollow feeling in my chest, and being off testosterone means that my voice has gone back to cracking and is a bit higher than it was.... at least it feels that was because of the cracking, but I guess it's not really... I don't know that my voice can change back, which is good, I could just do without my voice breaking whenever I try to talk or sing.
So I'm trying to think of what I do feel like doing and the answer is "not much." I need to be able to completely lose myself in something for a while to stop feeling the way that I'm feeling right now. Guilt, shame, failure, loss, loneliness... There are a lot of negative feelings that I don't know how to move past right now. My therapist was highly unhelpful. I'm thinking about looking for a different one, but I don't know if there even is another one out there. I kind of want to have an actual in person therapy session before I switch though because maybe she's just awkward to talk to over zoom. I don't know. So far zoom has just been easier because I don't need to worry about finding a ride to and from wherever the office is.
I'm worried about how far all of this is setting me back. I'm not sure if I wrote about it before but I had been in touch with a couple of people who have experience with getting a service dog. I feel like I would do better with a medium to large sized dog, as long as I could keep them happy in my room or as long as they get along with cats. The one person told me it's easier than one might think to train your own service dog from a puppy, but I'm not sure if I can do that alone. I also talked to another person who got a little hostile when I mentioned I'm looking for a psychiatric service dog, and they started on all of this gatekeeping bullshit before eventually apologizing to me for going way overboard when I was just asking for basic information about the program they fucking work for and guess I will Not be going through... Really I would be content with adopting a dog if I happened to find one that was exactly what I'm looking for, because then on the other hand I would have to train a puppy. Either way I would have to dog-proof my room, which includes getting an actual trashcan and putting my food somewhere that they wouldn't be able to get it. I'm also highly leaning towards getting a female dog so I don't have to worry about territorial marking because most male dogs I've lived with have had issues with that and I don't need to be worrying about that too...
I think at some point I need to have a talk with Jena about getting a dog. They might have more of an opinion about it now that Glitch has been bringing their dog around more often so that the dog isn't alone (she's a husky, so they can get really destructive if left alone and bored). I really like boston terriers, but I'm worried they would be too small of a dog for me (one of the skills I would want my service dog to have is to lay on me during a panic attack for pressure stimulation), I really like golden retrievers and labs as well so maybe I'll get lucky and find either one of those breeds. For now I'm just trying to save up as much money as I can and not worry so much about in depth looking around since I'm not quite ready for a dog, especially after just losing a pet. I need to make sure I have enough saved up for initial vet bills and medicines as well as things you normally need for a dog.
I'm too stressed to worry about that right now. I really ought to have all of my boxes and things cleared away before I think about bringing more Stuff and a dog into my room and my life. Everything right now is too cluttered. One good thing is that I could probably clear out the smaller alcove and get a little baby gate or divider and use that as basically a crate area and put a comfy bed in and everything. Dog beds can be expensive so maybe I could make my own... Having a dog again would open up a world of possibility to me like that, but I need to be able to think seriously about how hard I would have to push myself in the beginning until the dog is leash trained, because I know that I still wouldn't want to go outside, I would have to force myself to do it for the dog. I would have to be in a better mental state than I am right now. I just don't know how to get there from here and that's where I'm stuck.
I think for now the next thing I'm going to do is just try and have a normal rest of my day. Maybe treat myself to my stash of "fuck it" beers and play a video game. Maybe try meditating and doing a little yoga so I'm at least up and moving a little bit. Maybe nothing...
Rest in peace, Jojo *salutes*
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