Koyaratty, Our Faces

Didn't get too much done today. I noticed that Koya seemed scared when I went to pet him. After that I noticed that when he walked he would drag his right back foot. It doesn't seem to hurt him, so I don't know that it was from fighting or the other night when the accident happened. I can't afford to take him to a vet right now though only to very likely be told that there's nothing they can do about it. I used to have an older rat who started dragging her back legs because she had a brain tumor... I don't want it to end up being something like that and lose another rat right after I just lost one of them... Koya seems to be alright though, just nervous and resting. I decided to just leave him alone. If it's just a sprain it will get better on it's own, but if it gets worse I'm going to have to figure out how to get him in to a vet... I just worry that his foot was my fault too...

I know now that I will never keep anymore rats after these. I'm done. I have to be done.

Tomorrow Glitch wants to come over to spend time with me. I don't really know what to have planned, I guess I'm just going to wing it. I have a hard time being social casually with people. I'm more of a good text based person to talk to and not so much in person. I guess we'll see and if it ends up not going that well we can just spend time with everyone else too, I guess... I really have poor self esteem. Like I can't fathom why someone would want to hang out with me. I'm glad though, don't get me wrong. I've been going on about how I'm lonely lately, so maybe it will be nice.

I should really clean up my room a little bit... Make it look less like a bunch of boxes exploded in here and I went "eh, leave it" which is essentially what I did. Maybe I'm so underprepared for guests because I'm so used to everyone saying "we should hang out!" and then flaking on me, like Brett did this past weekend around my birthday... I'm almost expecting that to happen tomorrow, so I guess that's why I haven't bothered cleaning my room up at all.

I think people are starting to worry about me, and not in the good kindly way. I just feel watched. I'm a bit soured to the whole human experience anymore. I just don't give a fuck. I regret what happened, but what can I do, I can't undo what I did. I think maybe it's time to go back to the hospital, but even if I started telling the truth I don't think anyone would believe me...the external me which doesn't match who I really am as a person at all. There is a huge divide between those two personas and it keeps getting wider, and that's scary too.