Jan. 19, 2021

Tertiary

I had to go to a doctor's appointment in the middle of the day so Glitch spent the entire day with Tony, even after I got back. I know they're in a weird place with their relationship, but I don't want to feel jealous over something so stupid, which I felt like was kind of the point. It's not a great feeling. I'm not very trusting of people. I think I'd rather stick to online dating and long distance relationships because they're more my speed right now. And as much as I want to support polyamourous relationships I do get jealous if I don't get enough attention or if I'm only used as a last resort, which is what usually happens. And I'm not looking to be their backup partner for when Jena or Tony aren't around and they're not working. So I really don't think this is going to work. After Tony went to sleep they came up for a little bit, but I kept my distance so hopefully they get the point. I hate being ignored and I can't be put in a position where I'm constantly ignored in favor of a "primary partner" which is a fucking awful term and concept, even in polyamourous relationships. I think all partners should be equal. Not an oh I love this person but I NEED something else from this person they need to give it to me, that seems really toxic in my opinion. I'm not for it.

Also fucking got told today I need to self quarantine and maybe get tested because Jena either was exposed to covid or had test results come back positive. They were really vague and unclear about something incredibly important.

I just want to live a quiet life in this room and not have it get all fucked up. What about what I want or need from a relationship? I don't recall anyone asking that. And I'm not even really interested in sex. I feel rather pushed towards it instead and I don't like that. They also skipped doing the LGBT hearts and crafts group the other day because we were hanging out but... I dislike when people do things like that. I don't care if it's meant to be sweet if you shirk on responsibilities what else are you gonna not do if it's too much of a bother? I already notice they're a kind of messy person. I had to clean up my room after they came over the two times.... I guess I am too much of a capricorn lol

So anyway, instead of spending time with them today I went to the pharmacy and picked up my estrogen and then went to the dispensary and got a few vapes and pills. I swear they do help me to calm down and sleep, but any time someone has tried to get me really high it hasn't worked. Glitch made edibles (out of jello, so they were kind of like gummy candies- they look like the forbidden delicious looking detergent pods lol) and I ate three of them. One each for Glitch and Tony and they were rolling around on the floor and shit. For me... nothing. I got slightly more mellow. Makes me feel like I'm wasting my money on vapes, but I can tell when I go without it. I might just need a tolerance break, but I have a suspicion that it's because of the medication that I'm on, one of them must block hallucinogenic and other drug effects based on what all I've tried that hasn't worked. but I took those edibles and sat alone in my room waiting for them to kick in. I watched a few shows and studied Japanese for a little while. I've reached the gold tier. I'm getting to the point where I'm actually learning some new things rather than just remembering what I already knew. That's the only thing exciting and new in my life really.

Glitch also really discouraged me from bothering with only fans, making me feel like no one would look at mine because no one likes trans men and all anyone wants is trans women for fetishy reasons which is a really fucked up thing to say. I mean it's true, but you still shouldn't say it.... Just shoot my self esteem to shit I guess, damn. Maybe I should just make it very clear I'm primarily attracted to Asian men and then she would get how shitty it feels. I don't know what the point even is, if I can't handle being in a relationship with them I just need to make that clear that I really don't think it's going to work out if I'm essentially only side-bootycall. I'm better than that. I have shitty low self esteem but even I know I'm worth more than being a tertiary partner.

Written by iyazo

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