Glitch broke up with me. She felt I was backing her into a corner and I felt like she was ignoring me for Jena. As usual, my big mouth got me in trouble and they ended up coming upstairs very angrily to get her stuff and go back to staying with Jena. She screamed at me, which is my biggest trigger, women or people with higher voices yelling. She knew that and then when I responded negatively by instantly wanting to relapse into self-harm she claimed that I was gaslighting her instead of the other way around. I feel like she used my body because Jena refuses to have sex with her and I was available. It's a terrible, deeply sickening feeling. I've tried talking to her but all she says is how important it was to fix things with Jena and how rotten I was behaving when I'm literally fucking mentally ill and can't help it when I'm very triggered like that.
Now I have to be afraid of being kicked out. They definitely don't want me here now. I'm actually thinking about asking someone for a ride or getting an uber back to the behavioral health hospital I was in twice last year. I felt like they really helped me there and I'm afraid to be left on my own. I'm just afraid that if I go back I won't be able to come back here, or I won't be able to get help until it's too late. I am somewhat glad that I can't find my knives at the moment. It's good that I don't have them.
First Glitch sent me a message saying it would be the last, then she said she just needed more space and to leave her alone, but then she unfriended me on facebook... I really don't think we can go back to normal after all of this. Things seemed to be going so well, but I seem to be the only one capable of calming down and rationalizing like an adult. Though I did send a lot of angry messages at first because I felt abandoned and scared, I apologized because I know I was in the wrong. I never got an apology. She left and said she has a lot of stuff that she needs to take care of. So I guess fixing things with Jena was more important than our relationship after all... I was right.
Part of the reason I'm thinking of going back to the hospital is because I can't handle myself like this- I haven't eaten anything since maybe a handful of french fries on either friday or saturday. I just don't feel hungry. I feel sick. I worry that they'll see me going back to the hospital to take care of myself as a hostile attack against them...
Since she said to leave her alone, I don't expect to hear anything until at soonest this weekend, when she'll probably come back over for Jena. Even then I'm doubtful. I really think it's over.
..........well that was a turbulent month. Didn't last long and I just ended up duped and used... It really makes me doubt if any of it was real.
big oof...I don't have any good advice but I'm sending good wishes your way, take care of yourself.
@Achaius Thank you. Everyone I've spoken to so far has said the same thing 😅 It's a really tough situation.
All I can do now is just wait and hope for better. I'm still in the midst of the waves of panic attacks, but I'm trying to ride them out the best I can because I really don't want to go back to the hospital... I'll do my best. That's all I can do.
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