March 26, 2021

Errands Undone

I messaged Michael on facebook this morning about possibly helping me run some errands that I need to do to work on my upcoming move. He flat out told me (even though he has no involvement) that I had burnt that bridge and I needed professional help. Like yeah thanks, where the fuck do you think you dropped me off at for nearly two weeks?? So I have officially lost all of my local friends over this. Because I'm pretty sure Tony hates me too. I had asked him to help me pack and I know he's been sick lately, but I have a feeling... Anyway I was like wtf why is Michael still even my friend on here then?? It makes me certain I was just being watched, and for all I know, Tony is doing the same thing...

After that I decided to make a fundraiser on facebook because I saw the banner for it. I have a feeling hiring movers is going to be really expensive, so I'm trying to save as much as I can on my own and not rely entirely on my one aunt for help. It's here if anyone cares to give it a look or pass it along. Anything helps!

I'm doing as much as I can to be resourceful and make use of the time I have left here. Some of that does include just laying in bed, honestly. Who knows when the next time I'll have a bed to sleep in will be... That said, for some awful reason I woke up at 6 today. I thought, fuck it, might as well get up for a little bit and try to get something done. Then the sun started getting brighter until it literally dawned on me- I had thought I had woken up at 6PM because of the darkness at first, but it was actually 6AM. My annoyance over not being able to fall back to sleep has been unending (though now it's medicine time so it's all good and hopefully I can go back to sleep).

Not sure if I mentioned, but one of my aunts offered to help me to hire movers! She gave me money for packing supplies in the meantime and said once I have a quote from them to let her know how much it will be. That's one huge weight lifted.

After losing what I thought was my only ride around to set stuff done, I got a message from an old friend, Scott, who I met during a previous stay at the hospital. He has stage 3 lung cancer and is still willing to help me out tomorrow. What a good guy. The plan is to go to the bank, pick up at the dispensary, make a drop off at the post office, go to walmart or somewhere for some emergency homeless type supplies as well as the packing stuff my aunt gave me money for, and then drop as much stuff off as I can at a local thrift shop. It's going to be a busy day, so I should get to bed soon. I have about 3 bags stuffed full of clothing, shoes, and toys so far, but I feel like I could stand to get rid of even more. I bet some of the stuff in there will make some kids very happy. I just have to let go of my attachments. I'm not sure if I can get rid of enough to size down to a 5x10' unit, but I might try in order to save even more money. The largest things I have are a narrow bookshelf, tall dresser, a tv, and twin mattress, so it may be possible. The rest are toys, books, clothes, my computer, etc. I'm gonna really miss my computer while it's in storage.

One of the things that has me the most worried is.....I don't know if they kick people out of the shelter during the day, but my guess is most likely they do. ...what am I going to do all day? How much will I have to carry with me? I'm notoriously bad with directions and I'm gonna have to get real familiar with the bad parts of town real quick, learn where to get fresh water, find places I can steal electricity from to charge my phone, as well as possibly places in the woods to sleep if I end up wandering away from the city... I'd rather live in the woods tbh. I wonder if I could make it happen throughout the summer, but probably not. I would definitely lose power and something would go wrong and I'd get stuck....

It's more ideal to stay in the shelter, or even go back to the hospital, but I know there's a whole screening process and limited availability to get into the shelter. I have no idea how long it will take. First I have to be actually out on the street, not just on the verge of it, then call 211 who will then refer me to the company that I guess works with the shelter. It sounds overly complicated and scary. It's not like I have a choice though. I'm at the top of the rollercoaster looking down. It's all downhill from here.

I have way too much worrying going on. I can't even close my eyes or even darker thoughts about killing myself start to creep back in.

Jaysin hasn't attempted to communicate with me since he said goodbye. It's for the best. He was the one who started filling my head with different ways to try and kill myself again. I'm also worried that he may have hurt himself since we last spoke since that's what he was talking about. My other hospital buddies tell me it's not my problem or responsibility- I should listen to them.

Edit: my to do list makes it look like I plan to disappear... I wouldn't be surprised if I did. Human trafficking is surprisingly common in the US. Reminds me of a story my psychiatrist in the hospital told me- he once had a patient who he thought was schizophrenic many years ago because he was constantly claiming the mafia was after him and he wasn't safe....then like 2 weeks after he was released he was murdered. Hm...

Written by iyazo

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