March 29, 2021


I hung out with Tony on Saturday. He helped me get to the dispensary and mailed a package for me today on his way to work. He even did my laundry for me because I admitted that I was too afraid to come downstairs. He's very understanding. It was nice to just sit and smoke and watch Grace and Frankie. For that short period of time, nothing else mattered. Things felt kind of normal again. It was nice.

Sunday I slept all day. Woke up briefly to use the bathroom and take my meds, then went right back to sleep. I was too depressed to get up.

Now it's Monday. I intended to go back to sleep for a little while since I ended up missing church again anyway, but that didn't happen. I stayed awake, smoked a little, then started browsing through fb marketplace and craigslist for rooms that I can rent. I can't give up yet. Tony was right. The other day while we were on the way to the dispensary I was talking about how I was worried about moving my things into storage and going to a shelter because they don't even let you in until you're really out on the streets and then it's a whole process, but he said "what if you didn't have to do that?" and.....that hadn't occurred to me. I had already given up without thinking or realizing it. I'm not sure when I became that person, but since then I've looked multiple times a day through different listings and contacting literally everyone within my potential price range. Because another realization I had was that it would be better to be dirt poor in a home than to be on the streets with some money that can't help me.

I have already gotten back one "no" yesterday and that was it. I filled out an entire google docs form for one place that looked very promising, but I hope someone else doesn't get chosen over me because the price was so reasonable, it's actually in the area I want to be in, and it sounds like a fairly healthy environment- they talked about cooking together, splitting chores, gardening together, having movie nights, etc. It almost sounds too good to be I doubt I'll even be contacted, but I have to at least be able to hope.

I should really try to get something else done today like going through the books I want to donate, folding my laundry and packing it away, anything really... but all I want to do is sleep. There were only so many listings for me to go through. At the very least I should eat something. My caloric intake has only been less than 400 per's really bad. I know that's part of why I'm so tired. It's a vicious cycle. I get depressed and tired and don't want to eat, then I can't eat because it makes me feel sick, which makes me tired and more depressed that I'm failing to even keep myself alive. I need to keep myself alive. I'm all I've got.

Written by iyazo

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Posted On Mar 30, 2021

I cook up 1.5 cups of brown rice and 3 cups of mixed beans in the morning, resulting in ~2050 calories just from this. I have to eat it all, I'm forced to, because I don't have any refrigeration and the food can expire quickly once cooked and left out in the open. Then I would eat a PB&J sandwich (400 calories) or two (800 calories) if I feel a little hungry and want to satisfy a sweet craving, so that would get me to 2400 to 2800 calories a day roughly.

Eating only 400 calories for me would be very hard. That's just one PB&J sandwich for an entire day. I'd be hungry for at least one more sandwich afterwards.

If you want to be able to afford the cheapest housing you will have to sacrifice some things, maybe literally, like giving away or selling the furniture too big and heavy to move so you don't have to hire any movers (extra expenses). The only possessions I brought with me to Puerto Rico are just stuff that can fit in 2 bags (one is a backpack, the other is a large traveling bag). I worked and slept on just the floor for a few days, since there was no furniture, I still hand-wash everything, and I still have no fridge or freezer so I'm forced to buy and survive only on inexpensive long lasting shelf products (mainly the rice and beans and bread and peanut butter and jelly, all so cheap and last forever without refrigeration. I could also get fruits, tomatoes, onions, nuts, trail mix, etc, but that requires frequent trips to the grocery store since I can eat through those very quickly and I also don't have a car or even a license here).

You will have to sacrifice not buying certain things until you can recover and be stable. Like whatever at a dispensary, sure it's calming, but not really something needed right, until you have your main problem of housing resolved first.

Posted On Mar 30, 2021

@JustMegawatt You're right. At least I don't have to worry about the cost of food though since I'm on food stamps. I just don't feel hungry when I get depressed. I'm already trying to get rid of a lot of things, but the past few days my friend (who has an ordinary sized car) hasn't shown up to help me like he said he would... The stuff from the dispensary really does help me though, maybe even more than my regular medication. It has been serving to keep my panic attacks at bay for now, but yes eventually I will run out and it would be irresponsible to spend that much money on more. I have been working on saving up money through a fundraiser I created, but that's all for moving fees. I already figured I will need to hire movers because I'm not fit enough to move everything on my own and I'm uncomfortable driving a big truck on my own, especially in the city. I've only had to parallel park maybe twice ever in my life and have never driven a large vehicle...

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