April 3, 2021

Opinions, Loss

After a month or so of waiting, I FINALLY had therapy today. I told her about what Glitch and Jena did to me, being in the hospital, being abducted, and about the two houses. She seems to think that if I wait for Shippen House it would be really good for me to live in a supportive household, I just might want to start looking for under the table work or something since the budget would be so tight. I wish I could work online doing something... I just have no guarantee that I'm going to be accepted at that house. If I'm not, I'd be running myself out of time and possibly a place to stay... I probably won't find out the day of the interview, either. I'm sure they're going to say the same thing and pick whoever they think would be best.

After therapy I moped around a bit, but wasn't feeling as bad as I have been lately, which is good. I decided fuck it and cracked open my last vape- 1G of soul diesel. It's not as potent as I had hoped it would be, but the last one was a little too much so I guess it's ok. I'm going to try to keep it going for as long as I can because who knows if or when I could get another. Teeeeeechnically I have $25 off my next purchase and if I got a cheaper cartridge it wouldn't cost a lot at all, but that would only be if I'm absolutely all out and having days on end panic attacks again. That's my rule for now too- only if I REALLY need it. I did earlier because there was a lot of slamming doors going on for some reason and I could hear Glitch talking downstairs, plus Tony is away this weekend for Easter with his family so I don't have my safety person here if anything were to happen. Not that I plan to confront them or go anywhere near them. I just wish I didn't have to be afraid to use the bathroom in my own house.....which I can argue that it is my own house because I technically still pay to live here for now. I shouldn't have to be afraid of them like this, my therapist is right. Either way I'll be getting out of here and it will be a lot better for me.

Today, I found out that both of my aunt's dogs passed away recently, both at the age of 16. Chuckie died a few months back and Rascal died this morning... I lived with that part of my family and those dogs for several years, when I went through high school and college. I remember when Rascal was a puppy- I moved in soon after they got him, and I remember the day we brought Chuckie home too. Both bichons, both rainy days. Apparently they were prepared for this somewhat and got a new puppy recently which I haven't seen yet. I wonder how my uncle felt about another dog. He was very adamant about us not getting another dog before we got Chuckie, but another aunt's co-worker needed to rehome him and eventually he warmed up to the dog. It just seems so sudden, but I know he was old...deaf, blind, and missing teeth. It was time for him to go. They lived long, happy lives.

I at least remembered that there was a church service to attend tonight. I wasn't really sure what to expect since I'm not-quite-Christian and just sort of go to church for the community, fellowship, and spirituality. Tonight it was just some casual talk about some poems which were read, we talked about the struggles of minorities, people asked how I was doing since I hadn't shown up for any services for a while since I had been at the hospital, that stuff... I was surprised that my friend who told me about the service wasn't there, it was only about 8 people total that showed up. I'll have to be sure to attend the Sunday service, my first actual Easter, and see what it's like. It did lift my mood somewhat tonight, enough that I actually got up and turned the light on in my room instead of sitting in the dark with a blanket draped over my head and shoulders.

After that I felt a bit better still and I ate some cheerios, drank water, and started working on packing very slowly. I don't want to do it too fast and be left with a room full of boxes. Depressing. I started with the books. Tomorrow maybe if I feel up to it I'll try and tackle something bigger like my closet. I'd say "at least the stuff I won't be wearing for a while," but this is Pennsylvania where the seasons are made up and the points don't matter. It actually snowed on April Fools Day, no joke, when a few days before it was in the 70s. Wild. Love how fucked the planet is, really great.....

Written by iyazo

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