April 7, 2021

The Rabbit in the Snare

Good news: I did receive my $1200 stimulus today! I still have my fundraiser posted because every little bit is going to help me tremendously, but I felt with that a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I'll have enough to cover rent somewhere for a while, or.... more than likely just storage space because....

Bad news: I got a message earlier today that it was a split between me and two other people.... and I lost. The room at Shippen House has been taken. The guys on 4th won't even reply to my message asking if the room was still available... I became frantic, and for the entirety of the day until just before midnight, I finally quit. There's only so much looking I can do. Only so much in my price range. I'm even looking well out of my area now- out by York, Harrisburg, Pittsburgh, or the other way going closer to Philadelphia. The west side of the state IS a lot cheaper than the east, but the crime rates for those major cities are ridiculous. Full of gang activity. Areas where there are a lot of poor and homeless people. I almost immediately got 4 more "no" answers in a row. The one person who said they have a room available for $540 (ridiculously low compared to what I've seen lately) is extremely sketchy... They won't tell me how many people live there or give me pictures or set up a time for a tour, flat out ignoring important questions I had asked. Like why bother running people around like that if you're trying to move a property? Slumlord or not... come on...

I reached out to a few respectable people who I'm friends with on facebook, one of them is a politician so I won't mention her name, but she pointed me to a couple of trans resources and another person, who didn't really have anything for me I haven't already tried like calling my church, or 211, or the YMCA (which as far as I'm aware haven't had shelters since like....the 90s...). I'm hesitant to contact the local LGBT coalition leader though that was recommended as well, but she has ties to my ex who screamed at me and I'm not sure how she'll react to me asking to get help moving out of here. She's part of the reason I found this place to begin with, if I recall correctly.

All of that and I have this huge sense of crushing guilt because I want nothing more than to just curl up, give up, and just....die. I want to die. All of these people are helping me and believe in me, and yet every single day that passes where I make no progress packing because I'm too busy trying to message people and find a place to live... It's soul crushing. I feel like I'm failing the people who helped me by not being able to find a place. But an unfortunate quirk of mine is never knowing when to quit. Every time I'm pushed, I shove back hard. So I may FEEL like I wish I were dead, but that feeling is also what's keeping me going, in a sense. Frantic in my helplessness, like a rabbit caught in a snare. Every instinct I have tells me to run far away from here and never look back, but I don't think I can technically even leave my state because my legal name change got stuck being only half done, which is super annoying because then everyone wants to through the word "fraud" around. Like ....no.... I'm just transgender, chill the fuck out. My license is the only thing that's actually correct, but I lost my social security card and birth certificate in a move and it's hard to get one without the other. Without a social security card I can't rent a place even if I waited a few years trying to get section 8 vouchers because they ask for it for identity, credit, and background checks. FUCK I couldn't get a JOB if I even went for those "ticket to work" things I keep getting sent because the government really thinks being disabled means I can work when it's really the other way around, but anyway I would need it for that too. Fuck.

I'm really starting to think that there's only one way out. I just have to not be afraid of dying. That would be the ULTIMATE fuck you to Glitch and Jena. Like haha fuck you I'm gonna just hang myself here from the rafters and you gotta deal with the aftermath because it's a problem you caused, so clean it up! And I'm going to haunt the shit out of this house if I have any say in the matter. Die mad, bitch, I ain't goin anywhere! It's SO much worse considering Glitch's ex-wife and brother also hung themselves like what is it about this bitch that makes people do that?! Damn.

I've been through a lot of dark thoughts lately like this. Makes me think that once I get packed and find a good storage locker to rent, I should probably go back to the hospital. I felt safe there. People knew me there. People cared about me there. And I'm not ready to leave the city... Those places have been known to throw people out with nowhere to go, but maybe if I really push for it they can help me find something. The hospital is SUPPOSED TO help with that. It's just not the best hospital. At least it's better than Reading hospital- that place was the absolute worst. Or Haven. Ugh. That place we actually had a song- Lovely by Billie Eilish and Khalid, but we replaced the words to say "Oh, I hope someday we'll make it out of Haven, if it takes three days or another year" (because of the 72hr notice rule)

Right now I'm torn between wanting to pack so I can at least get something accomplished today, because I feel like I just wasted a bunch of time (even though I know I was searching and trying), and just going to sleep. I feel sick to my stomach though. Earlier I got sick, I think because I ate some french fries that were left out overnight. Bad move. Ended up losing some of my pills earlier and anything I had tried to keep down. Now I'm back on high alert for trying to keep something in my stomach so I don't end up severely malnourished and dehydrated and back in the hospital sooner than I'm ready to go. I gotta take care of getting everything out of here and rehoming my pets first. They're top priority.



Written by iyazo

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Posted On Apr 08, 2021

If you have a driver's license, that's good, you can use it to get a social security card replacement. I think that's all you need tbh, according to their website.

At this point if I were you, I would just find any housing, if the $540 a month guy can give me one tour and send me the rent contract, I'd sign it. Even if it's the worst place imaginable, the place is a dump, I'd probably still take it if I were in your situation. The worst places I can imagine in the US would actually be very decent places to live.

Posted On Apr 10, 2021

@JustMegawatt Unfortunately I had my name legally changed, so my license with my new legal name on it doesn't prove much. I need to go get copies of a form from court where I had my name changed, along with a letter from my doctor stating the reason for my name change, which is ridiculous. That guy never ended up getting back to me. I think it was a scammer looking for information. There are a lot of those on craigslist, unfortunately.

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