April 9, 2021


Today I felt incredibly sick. I was dry heaving, not having anything in my stomach at all. I guess I really am sick. Either from food poisoning or stress. I'm at a point where my energy and stamina is so incredibly low and moving around too much makes me feel ill. I can't run out my time here like this. I feel like I'm wasting time on trying to manage my panic attacks, which have been getting worse, when I should be packing, when really I'm just very sick and feel guilty about something I can do nothing about. The panic attacks won't go away.

Although today was the first day in a while I wasn't woken up ridiculously early by a phone call. That was nice until the panic attacks set in and I compulsively checked craigslist and fb marketplace for any new listings. One. That was it. I decided to expand my search even further and replied to a few places. I got a message back from somewhere close (but $600/month...) that I would be 4th in line to see the place if it came to that. Didn't sound too promising. One person I wrote my whole spiel out to just replied a day later with "Good morning, Jasper!" and then never messaged me again. WHY? It's just a huge waste of time for everyone. One reply which I'm sure was automated or just a scam that I got was cut off halfway through a sentence that began "Just Apply to select ur" and then nothing since. ...ok, weird.

The other day I was busy applying to places all over too, and looking at new possibilities. I reached out to the YWCA and got an email back stating they have 10 people already on their waitlist. Since residents can stay as long as they like, they probably don't get too many openings. I would also need my birth certificate and social security card for that, but if I can get it the rent for their dorm style shared housing is $540. Today I applied for a new birth certificate and I found the correct forms to print out to mail into the social security office for a new card as well. I might run into trouble because they ask for additional proof of identity if the name change was over 2 years ago and.... it has been a lot more than that. My life just took all kinds of twists and I never got the chance to get that stuff legally corrected, especially after covid hit. Most of that time I was homeless and couch surfing or where I am now.

I applied to a bunch of places that my therapist found and linked me to. Another place that I applied for was an LGBT friendly co-op called Houseasaurus. It's a shared house with I think 8 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms or something wild like that. They do put you to work 5hrs a week doing cooking for everyone, gardening, cleaning... Stuff I honestly don't mind as long as I have the energy for it. The thing about that is... it's halfway across the state. MUCH further than I had planned on looking, but hey, it IS in the commonwealth of Pennsylvania still. It's about the equivalent distance of if I were to move from where I am now all the way to Brooklyn, New York, but in the other direction (and luckily a much easier drive lol). I don't know what's pushing me in this direction, but I put out a message to someone else out that way... and actually got a response within a few hours! It's still a little sketchy, talking to strangers about meeting up with them to possibly live with them. And I didn't even try with this guy- maybe that's the ticket, I was showing too much of my hand. I didn't say anything about being disabled, didn't state that I'm transgender or even what gender I am at all, nothing about my age- only gave him my first name (and I suppose, phone number). I mean this guy knows NOTHING about me, but he gave me legitimate answers and asked if I would like to set up a tour, to which I replied "Yes, and I would like to meet the other roommates as well."

Rich, the homeowner, said that basically I would be subletting a room in his house (what I'm doing now at basically), and then in August I would be put on the lease for a year (and the rent would go up from $575 to $595). After that I could even renew it for another whole year after that. I wouldn't have to worry about becoming homeless! This would be great.... but I know as much about Rick as he knows about me other than he's likely in his 30's, as the listing stated that the 3 people who live in the house now are in their 20's and 30's. He said that Kevin works from home, so I'll be able to meet him, but Cyril is a med student and is only really around at night. We've been slowly messaging back and forth, trying to arrange a time for me to go all the way out there. Scott did say he would drive me anywhere I need to go though. I think I could stand 2 hours in the car with the guy, he's a great mood booster honestly. I just hope my stomach can take it. I believe the tentative dates are next weekend. I'm still messaging the guy about it, but it's late at night now, so I don't expect any more answers tonight.

The listing had plenty of pictures, but I looked up the address on google maps to see what was nearby. There's actually a grocery store and pharmacy near enough for me to walk to, depending on how hard it is to cross the highway (there is a light, but I've never been there so eh??) and not too far away from the back yard..... it turns into a HUGE arboretum! I mean.... it's absolutely massive. If it's anything like the arboretum back in Reading, maybe there are a bunch of pokestops there and I could ease my way back into the outside world again to play. Or for all I know the area could be a massive dead zone Because Central Pennsylvania. It be like that sometimes. But I mean it's State College, so you would THINK with all the med students and young professionals around it would be better. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

I didn't get any packing done today. I considered boxing up Wasabi, my mint green tiger fursuit partial.... Then I briefly considered selling it. It's still hanging up. It's not like there are many events going on where I would be able to wear it. But at this point I don't know that I need that much more money, and the hassle of finding a big enough box to ship it in.... and actually being able to ship it out. More stress I don't need. And I know I would always second guess if I did the right thing. Though I don't want it to sit in storage if I end up not going anywhere, either.

See? I worry about too many things that aren't worth worrying about right now and it's hard to stop. It should be time to sleep now. I should just give in and rest as much as I can manage. I just hope I can keep my meds down.

Written by iyazo

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Posted On Apr 10, 2021

"Today I applied for a new birth certificate and I found the correct forms to print out to mail into the social security office for a new card as well."
Finally! You got something major done today. Houseasaurus sounds like the perfect place for you and I hope you get in.

Posted On Apr 11, 2021

@JustMegawatt Yeah I'm glad that I got those things done or at least started. I need to wait for one to get the other, so hopefully I don't run out of time. I agree, I think a co-op house like Houseasaurus would be a good place for me. I applied for a room there, but I'm unsure of how often they check the forms that come in, so I haven't heard back yet. Maybe on Monday.

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