April 10, 2021

The Hopeless Feeling of Packing Your Life Away

The worst combination is feeling sick while hungry. I haven't been able to eat, though I can mostly manage to keep down my pills and water again which is good. The trick was waiting until my ambien kicked in a little bit, making me more tired and hungry, and then I would just eat as much trail mix and cheerios as I could before falling asleep. It's not great, but it's what I have right now. I felt sick to my stomach when I woke up and for most of the day. Today was going to be a day off from looking at listings, but Tony ended up sending me a few more that popped up nearby (most of which I had already sent a message out to). One of those places sounded promising. A laid back, friendly household with two other guys around my age looking for a chill roommate, so of course I sent them a message.

Before I head all the way to State College next Saturday to see a place, I'm thinking about messaging the guy and laying it all out like look I'm disabled and I don't do a whole lot, explain that I'd need rides around to doctors appointments and such since I don't know anyone out that way at all, and overall see if it's a supportive household or more of that every man for himself crap... That way I'll know whether or not it's worth my time to drive a total of 4 hours. I already know the house looks nice and hell I'd take anything I can get at this point, I need friendly people too though. I'd rather be homeless in a city I know better than be stuck in one I've never been to. I need to think of things like how am I going to get to the grocery store or pharmacy, particularly in bad weather. Doctor's appointments... I would have to find totally new doctors that take my insurance that hopefully isn't too far away. I mean.... State College is full of people going for their doctorates and studying medicine in general, so you'd think it wouldn't be hard to find someone.

I am very worried though. I noticed earlier that Scott deleted his facebook. Before that, when I was feeling really sick and unable to offer much support or when I was asleep, he was sending me messages apologizing and saying goodbye. It really worried me, so I messaged him asking what's going on and if he's safe, but he assured me he was fine and we would still do the stuff we planned. But now he's disappeared and I'm worried about him being suicidal. Scott was someone I met in the hospital a while back. He's been through a lot of suffering and loss. He has stage 3 lung cancer. He's also homeless and lives in his car primarily... and I have no idea where he could be because of that. I'm really hoping that it was just a bad day and that he's safe and sleeping now, or I would call and ask what the hell is going on. I hope he doesn't disappear on me... He's supposed to be my ride or die guy for this move, too, so if anything were to happen to him I would be shit out of luck. I did try looking him up and it looks like he has another facebook account. I don't think he just deleted me though because I can still see my half of our old conversation and his entire page isn't there at all, so there is a separate one. I can't add him there, only try sending him a message- maybe an account he doesn't use. I'm going to really worry if he doesn't answer his phone though. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel a little better and if he's still feeling down I'll invite him to chill with me for a while... I really hope everything is ok.

After I laid down and meditated for a while my stomach felt a bit better, so I seized the opportunity to start folding all of my hung up clothing and storing it in my big dufflebag. I should be able to fit mostly everything in there, though there's a few pieces I'm probably going to get rid of still. Then I felt sick for a while and my back started to hurt, so I took a break before going back to it. The bag is about halfway full right now. I suppose anything else I want that doesn't fit in there can be used for padding items I pack away. I did make the final decision to pack Wasabi away. It's a little duller in here not seeing that bright, happy, mint green tiger smiling down at me from my shelf... I guess it will feel amazing when I get to unbox him all over again and can actually wear him out places. I really miss that. That's another downside to moving to the center of the state- there's nothing out there but trees and old rock formations, which is actually really nice and beautiful in its own way. I could try looking for local furmeets I guess and try to make friends once I get out there, if I do get out there at all.

I showered to relax a little bit, then packed a little bit more. I think I'm done for today. I have vague plans about what I'm going to pack next. The boxes that Tony ordered should be here Monday. After I expressed how stressed out and sick packing has been making me and the fact that I've barely packed much of anything, Tony said not to worry because he's going to help me pack, and he doesn't want any money or anything for it. That's really nice of him. I know he cares about me a lot. We talked recently about how we're really going to miss each other if I move far away, and how it suddenly struck him when I had asked him to accompany me on an uber trip that I'm really leaving. I'm really going to miss cuddling up together and watching Grace and Frankie on netflix. It was such a soothing feeling, like nothing else in the world mattered for a while and everything was ok.

Written by iyazo

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