April 11, 2021

Lost, Continue

Yesterday when I wasn't feeling so well I received a series of strange texts from my friend Scott. I think at one point there were like 7 in a row because I was either getting sick or fell back asleep, but it was all worrying stuff like "I'm sorry," "I gotta go" and skull emojis. I finally replied back asking what's wrong and if he's ok, he seemed to cheer up a little bit and we talked about our plans for this weekend for me to go see a room. In the middle of the night last night I noticed that his facebook page had been locked. This afternoon when I woke up I tried calling his phone- two different numbers actually because I'm not sure which was his new number. One went directly to "this phone cannot receive calls at this time" or something like that and I left a voicemail on the other one asking again if he's ok and asking him to please call or message me. I haven't heard anything since. I know in the past few weeks I've been in touch with him again he's been feeling really down and suicidal- and I completely understand why. Scott is an extremely nice and cheery guy on the outside, but some years ago he lost his wife to an overdose and his son to a motorcycle accident, more recently he has been homeless and living out of his car, as well as getting the news that he is dying of stage 3 lung cancer (and refuses chemo, and still smokes marlboros) at the age of 57.

Knowing this and seeing him disappear like that has made me feel very anxious and worry because I want to be sure that he's safe. But what do I do?? Should I file a missing persons report? Since he was living in his car he could have gone anywhere and might not be near where I am. I could give them a description of the car, his name, his age, and the name of at least one other town he mentioned staying at, but I don't know how much good it would do. What scares me the most is that if I DON'T report his as missing, who will? That just seems too sad... I know he had a few other close friends, but I have no way of contacting them to know if they're looking for him too.

The other really bad thing about his disappearance is that he was the only one I could count on for rides to places, to help me look for a new home, and he had some friends who I have no way of contacting who were going to help me move. Now I need to very quickly adapt and change plans. I may need to pay well over $500 to hire professional movers (it's $499 +$70 per additional hour past 3 hours, the cheapest I could find). I know Tony said he would help me pack and I technically have until the 20th of next month to stay here still, so it's not like all hope is lost. I shouldn't give up yet. For all I know Scott is just having a hard time and will get back to me in a few days... Or maybe, hopefully, someone found him and was able to get him help. But... In the event that that isn't the case.... I feel so much worse. To lose a good friend while I'm already struggling with my own mental health falling apart as I face being homeless is beyond fucking terrible. But you know what- I've ACTUALLY been able to cry for once. Before, just facing all of my problems, I felt all stopped up like I couldn't physically cry. Now I can't stop crying, worrying about him with a huge lump in my throat. It does feel better to just let it all out sometimes. I'm really scared, for both of us now.

I guess the plan now is to try and hang in there a little while longer. I'll be getting my first covid vaccine next Monday, which I guess I'll take uber or lyft to... It's not terribly far, I don't think. It might cost me $20-40. I also need to steel my courage and try to catch a lyft tomorrow to withdraw money from my bank account and pick up my prescriptions. If I feel like I can't do it tomorrow I still have a couple days left on one of them, so I should be fine. I just need to calm myself down, try to relax, and hopefully everything will be ok. As soon as I can though I'm going to have Tony up here packing with me and as soon as it gets done I'm getting right the fuck outta here. I tried sending a long sincere apology to Jena and tried to talk to them about possibly staying longer because of how much I'm struggling, but of course their answer was "no." As soon as I get out of here I need to go back to the hospital. By all rights I should be there already with how long and severe my panic attacks have been recently, unable to eat or drink much or take medicine sometimes, not sleeping despite the medications I am on... It's worrying. I don't know how much longer my body will physically be able to last like this. I honestly feel like I'm beginning to die already. It's an awful feeling, like all of my energy is being sapped away. I can stick my hand inside my ribcage again.

I wonder if I'm being punished by an angry God, or if karma is kicking my ass, or whatever the case may be for all of the turmoil I unintentionally created here which led up to me being kicked out... I mean my therapist seemed to think I was right and my roommate was overreacting to the time I left muffins in front of the microwave by accident after going shopping and then Jena couldn't get to the microwave and they called me ableist, and when they said I was somehow being manipulative whenever I would have doubts that they actually wanted me here (which is cosmically funny since I'm actually right), and that it was rude of Glitch to promise to me twice that she would come upstairs and then (at least the second time) choose to drop acid on the porch with Jena instead and ignore my messages until I said "fine, come get your shit out of my room" I packed it up neatly in one of MY cloth shopping bags and that's where she came in and cornered me and started screaming at me, which triggered me into automatically self-harming. I know that was something that ended up triggering her more, but when two of my biggest triggers are activated, of course I try to escape by any means necessary- even death. ...Is this what I'm being punished for? Do I deserve to suffer? To lose my home? To lose my mind?

I feel so lost...

I even reached out to my eldest cousin, who lives about 2 hours away. He said my best bet would be to ask Uncle John for help, but I don't have his number. He gave me Aunt Donna's (his wife, my mom's sister), but I'm worried about calling her because some years back we got in some kind of argument. I don't even remember what it was about anymore, so it would be impossible to apologize properly, I just know I was younger then and being stubborn, and I probably should have listened to what she was telling me at the time. My cousin said "time heals all wounds." Worth a try. She'll probably be working when I call, so I kind of hope that I can just leave a message. My mother's siblings have always been kind of wary of me because my mother was/is a lot less stable than even I am, unfortunately. She's a bipolar 2, paranoid schizophrenic, depressed mess who has been in and out of different mental facilities since she was about 18... They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but I've always felt this need to prove them wrong. I don't want to make the same mistakes she did. I don't want to make the same mistakes mom-mom did. I just need to endure the pain a little longer, work on what I can when I'm able and try to rest when I can't. I'm reaching out to everyone I possibly can for help. This is one fight I don't want to lose.

If anyone could donate or please share my story with others who may be able to help, I would be very grateful. Thank you.



Written by iyazo

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Posted On Apr 12, 2021

I hope Scott is alright. Come on Scott, you can't just leave Iyazo alone here after telling him you'd drive him around. If he really does live from his car, maybe his phone battery died, or he's out of car gas, or whatever, so he can't reach you at the moment.

You also need to eat. And drink water. Just put food in your mouth and chew and swallow... The trail mix and cheerios is going beat not eating for a while when you need to. And you have food stamps, you can buy and eat anything you want up to the food stamp limit.

Also aren't there apartment complexes, where you don't have to go through an interview to get the place? There should be something available a $700/mo at least where you don't have to go through an interview.

I'm renting under a landlord, and I didn't go through an interview. I visited one day, to check out and scope the place, the next day I signed a contract and got an Uber to bring all my stuff over there and move there. It took just 1 day basically to go from hotel, to a section of my landlord's house, for me. On an island where everyone spoke a different language and where I have 0 connections with anyone, and only had the Internet to look for properties to rent....

How come you have to interview with everyone?

Posted On Apr 12, 2021

I don't think the phone was dead because is rang for a while before going to voicemail...I think that's how it works anyway, I don't make a lot of calls. The disconnected one could possibly be his old number, at least I hope so. I'm really hoping that he's safe and ok somewhere, even if he can't help me right now.

I know I need to eat, but I feel too nauseous. I know what I have is better than nothing though. If I can get the courage to get a lyft or uber on my own I could pick up more food, sure, but I just don't feel up to eating lately. I have a different form of anorexia where it comes from stress, depression, and anxiety rather than my body image.

No, unfortunately here everywhere wants you to have a social security card, do a background and credit check if you want to rent anywhere "official" and that's like $800 plus utilities, bare minimum. Usually places require you to make a certain amount of money, sometimes as much as four times the cost of rent. Renting out of other people's houses, or subletting, has mostly been what I've been looking into- but even these roommate situations require you to first meet and check out the place to see if you're a good fit. The one place that didn't ask me any kind of screening questions I am now not able to go see this Saturday. Everything in the place that I live is generally $600 and up and I only make $800 a month and need to consider travel expenses, doctor visits, getting to the store or pharmacy, etc. so $700 would be a really tight budget, if not impossible for me.

I honestly think you happened to get extremely lucky, or maybe things are a bit different out there. It's really not that easy. I've never heard of something like that even happening before, that's pretty wild. Meanwhile I'm in a town I somewhat know where people mostly speak English, looking online every day for any new places that might pop up, messaging every single one that I could possibly afford, even if it's not the safest area or the best looking room...just me, looking for literally anything...and for some reason I can't do it. You make everything sound so easy, but for me it isn't. I can't do this anymore I can't take it

Posted On Apr 12, 2021

@iyazo Also I replied to your other comment before reading this one. Yeah the place I'm renting, the landlord asked to see my driver's license and they wanted a copy of my social security card, which I sent.

If you only make $800 a month, then that's your limiting factor. Rent was never cheap, and it's not getting any cheaper. Imagine if you earned $2k a month, then you would be able to get any place you wanted basically, you could probably do what I did and get a place the next day if you made that much. Those are the options I had, I could rent wherever basically, so that's why it was easier for me to find a place. Are you able to get extra income on the side?

Sorry about your current situation Iyazo, a place to live in is the biggest expense for anyone. Can you try re-negotiating with your current roommates? Like beg them to allow you to stay basically, and tell them you'll do everything to amend the situation and relationships, even pay slightly higher rent? I would do that, I would apologize to everyone, send the group an email, making a desperate plea, just whatever to allow me to stay.

Posted On Apr 12, 2021

@JustMegawatt Unfortunately not. My disabilities (and lack of SS card) prevent me from getting a job and holding onto it for long, not to mention I would have to go through a program called "ticket to work" to work up to a limited amount of time/pay, and if I do that there's a chance they'll say "well, clearly you can work now" and might just take away my disability income...

I tried emailing my housemate a long apology, asked what I could do to change things and improve the situation, and essentially did beg them to let me stay, but they responded absolutely not, I need to be out of here by May 20th still.

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