April 12, 2021

Weakness

I'm probably past the point where I should be in the hospital. And this time I mean the regular hospital, not the behavioral hospital (I'll add a picture so you can see what I mean...setting the first pic as Koya so no one accidentally gets upset about how malnourished I am). Despite that, I keep pushing myself to pack a little more each day. I packed a decent amount today and started up another donation bag. I would have been sick several times if I was able to keep anything in my stomach. I almost collapsed a few times too and had to force myself to sit for a while and take a break, which made me anxious. I've been awake since 3am, I barely got any sleep, which is concerning with the medications I'm on (10mg Ambien, 1mg Klonopin, 50mg Trazodone, etc....all just to calm me down enough to sleep, not counting the other meds I'm on for other stuff. Otherwise it feels like my brain is constantly screaming

I ended up getting a message back from Scott and his fb reappeared back online. He said he was in and out of the hospital. I'm just really glad that he's ok... but still, now I know I can't 100% rely on him. I got a message from my friend Brett and they offered to help me out as well. I also called my estranged aunt, asking her to please get ahold of my uncle for me since I don't have his number, but I never heard anything back. I could always go and ask my cousin Liz if she has it, but then my aunt might see that as some form of manipulation to get past her or something.... I'm constantly worried about being a manipulative person now because of the things Jena and Glitch said to me. I don't want to be that kind of person.

I sent a long email to my therapist the other day freaking out about what I'm going to do because I was really struggling at the time and the only thing she replied back with was "Hi, I'll have my assistant contact you." Which was ultimately a good thing, but I wish she put more effort into her job. Part of why my mental health is failing is because our sessions are mostly me talking to fill the void about the same shit that's been going on and her going "uh-huh, yeah" ...I guess I need a new therapist. I do like her assistant though. My therapist had mentioned that her assistant also has 2 rats and would possibly be able to take my boys. Today she called me and offered to buy them from me! She told me to set a price, so I asked for $300 to cover the cage alone, but she asked if we could do $200 instead and I said sure. It's a lot better than taking them to a shelter where they could end up with anyone or worse... snake food...

Of course, that price we settled on includes the rats themselves ($50), the $300 cage, $50 worth of food, a $35 carrier, $20 of paper litter, toys, treats, lots of fleece/cotton blankets that I made myself, and other necessities and extras. She promised that any time I need a little serotonin boost that she could send me pictures and videos of them. It might end up just making me sad, but I'm really happy that they're going to a good home (and not being stolen from me....that happened twice before already!). She's going to come over sometime on Friday afternoon, so I'll have to set up the rat carrier and do a total clean up and tear down of the massive metal cage. That will probably be my whole day. It's going to take all of my energy, physically and emotionally.

Tomorrow I hope I feel better than I felt today because I asked Scott to help me run some errands and hang out for a bit. I got a bit pissy at him earlier because he does not understand being transgender AT ALL, making rude assumptions like "You still have female parts though," "Oh you're wearing earrings does that mean you decided to be a girl again?" (Sidenote... I ALWAYS wear earrings... I have my lobes stretched to 6G which isn't a lot but still... secondary lobe piercings which are rings, 2 cartilage piercings on my right side, and a 16G 1 3/4" industrial bar across my left side. I know my hair has been getting long, but how do you not notice that many piercings??) What he said really pissed me off though. Granted I've been feeling more nonbinary/androgynous lately, but I don't want some guy who's 27 years older than me lusting after my bits... It really grossed me out. But I need him to help me.... That's manipulative, I guess. Though it's not like I'm being dishonest with the guy, I keep telling him I'm not female and not interested, I just see him as a friend. I feel worried because that also means now I need to watch what I wear around him so I don't get any other comments about my body. As someone who has survived a hell of a lot of sexual assault during my life, now I gotta worry about the guy who says he's going to help me possibly going apeshit some day just because he sees me as feminine. That's how a lot of my people end up dead.

At the same time, that part of me could land me a job. Doing sex work isn't easy especially if you're sometimes sex repulsed because of trauma and the whole being transgender thing, but I've been an escort before... back before I transitioned. I'm sure if I tried and made an onlyfans or something I could make some money. Just come up with a feminine persona and sell it. I don't have a good camera though. And opening myself up to sex work beyond that is not only dangerous, but illegal... Not that legality always stops me from anything, but you know.

Written by iyazo

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Comments
JustMegawatt
Posted On Apr 14, 2021

That's a lot of medication bro. Way too much imo... Hope you're okay Iyazo.

Glad Scott is fine. It's weird he shut down his facebook though, what was the reason for that, or was it too personal he didn't go into it?

Awesome that your therapist's assistant will be willing to take in your pets, that's great news.

Eat more food please. Also yeah, an only fans would probably get you a good income. Maybe. I mean that's what I'm hearing, that people are making lots of dough on there.

JustMegawatt
Posted On Apr 14, 2021

Also I just read your new profile description (it's updated from what I read before), and wow that is a lot that you've gone through and still go through. Do you take Vitamin D supplements? You should if your body is void of it. I just get Vitamin D from the sun, around 2 minutes of tropical sun at peak is sufficient each day, but in wintery weather it's 4 hours a week (so like 45 minutes a day).

Glad you had a lot of good news for today though.

iyazo
Posted On Apr 14, 2021

@JustMegawatt Oh I am on wayyy more medication than just that. It's a lot. If I stop taking them though, I would get super messed up. They keep me levelled out. I should actually write an updated list of the medications I'm on currently, just so I have it. It's honestly a pain to remember them all and what time to take them if I have to explain it to someone else, so making a list is pretty handy. I may just post it here because...well, why not, I guess? One of the medications IS actually a vitamin D supplement, yes. 50,000 units once a week (on SUNday, of course!). I've been on it for so long now that my levels stay in a stable normal range, so I'm in less pain than I used to be (also because it's no longer winter lol) however, long term use like this is associated with kidney failure... I'll probably be switched to a lower dose if I can stay within the normal range.

Scott actually shut his facebook down again. He's been behaving oddly. I'm not really sure what's going on with him. I called him today and he sounded really out of it (possibly drunk?) and said he was busy- that's when he told me to call him back around 3:30 and never picked up.

I'll have you know I had some applesauce today! It's not much, but it's at least healthy. So I did eat something and it didn't make me sick at all! Also yup, I did update my profile ya lil peeper lol I wanted to make it a little shorter and neater. Just a little update. Still keeping Angel Dust as my pfp tho~ I took a decent selfie today and briefly thought about switching it, but then I didn't.

Haha you sound so innocent about onlyfans, I'm certain you know nothing about that~ You can be my only fan tho bby ;D

JustMegawatt
Posted On Apr 15, 2021

@iyazo Just listing those 3 medications is already a lot. Don't you WANT to get off the meds? That would be a nice goal, then you'd save money on medical expenses, and you don't have to take anymore pills.

Applesauce is nice, but that's still barely anything. Why not buy a bag of apples, and go through the whole bag? Or a bag of oranges and go through the whole bag? I want to do that, like, just buy a bag of oranges, and eat all the oranges. Doesn't that sound delicious? Like a bag of tangerines, and eat through the whole thing? Juicy, succulent, orange.

LOL I could totally see how you could read that last part I wrote in a sarcastic tone LOL. But for real, I've never used onlyfans, just porn sites. I've spent $100s on porn sites ever since Pornhub closed, since I could only get the porn I wanted by paying. But I've spent $0 on OnlyFans, don't even have an account there. And my former habit is TERRIBLE it is like alcoholism or some other drug addiction tbh.

iyazo
Posted On Apr 15, 2021

@JustMegawatt Honestly the medicines don't usually cost me anything with my insurance, only a few of them are expensive (like the Vitamin D). The most they usually cost is $1.30 each... Of course being on so many, it does add up. I'm on them all for various reasons though and understand why my doctor put me on each one of them. If I had the choice of not being medicated for life, I'd take it, but I'd like to stay physically and mentally healthy.

Unfortunately I don't have any of those things at the moment... I really need to make a trip to the grocery store, but I'm waiting until I have to go out for other errands because that will be pretty far away and my last uber fare for running errands was $44. I plan on keeping stuff that will stay good for a while if I need to throw it in storage, or that I'll be able to finish before moving out of here. I would love a bag of apples, but I need to cut them up because of a damaged tooth that I have... That means I would have to go downstairs, which I'm trying to avoid. I suppose I could keep a knife in my room, but they would notice it missing and probably get suspicious of me for taking it. I do love some kinds of apples though like honeycrisp and gala. I actually dislike oranges... Though I love orange juice and I love tangerines lol Maybe if I can get to the store soon I'll get some tangerines and bananas. If I didn't have to worry about where Jena and Glitch might be in the house while I try to avoid them, I would get a bag of potatoes too. They can be plain and filling enough that it wouldn't upset my stomach. So could rice, but again, can't make it here.

Wait, pornhub closed...? Since when? I'm really curious what exactly it is that you want that you can only get by paying (I get that it's personal though if you don't wanna answer that). I think that in moderation it's healthy, but I can definitely see how it can turn into an addiction and have a negative impact on your life. I actually shared a house with a guy once who was an ex-alcoholic, and he replaced that addiction with sex and masturbation, so I very much can see how similar they are.

JustMegawatt
Posted On Apr 15, 2021

@iyazo I'll donate to you if you want to get some materials you need to stay healthy like a rice cooker or a pot. And if you want to buy some potatoes and rice and tangerines, I'll donate to help you out there too. Also a B12 supplement. That's the only supplement I take, but it's essential for me, and likely essential for you as well since you don't even eat anything.

Potatoes are amazing, you could basically live off of them for a while like the guy in the book The Martian (work of fiction, but the author did his research). Some guy in real lived off only potatoes for an entire year, no other foods but potatoes, and some populations like the Irish lived primarily on potatoes. It's a super food, because you can grow so much of it in a small amount of space, and it's very nutritious.

Pornhub recently made it so that only "Verified Members" can post videos, and all videos uploaded by non-verified members have been deleted, so it essentially closed. Only like 1% of the members were Verified members, so almost all videos have been deleted. My fetish is private, even the videos I pay for don't even have my exact fetish, just close to it.

iyazo
Posted On Apr 15, 2021

@JustMegawatt If you do donate I'll use it to get things like that and try to eat more, but no obligation of course. I'm not even sure when I'll be able to go to the store. I should try for Saturday, maybe. I still have that comment saved about the B12 supplements so I remember what to look for, although the multivitamin I currently take says in one dose it has 417% of the daily value! I should be fine with that much.

Funny you should mention that, I'm reading that book currently and I like it so far. (No spoilers please!)

Ah yeah I forgot that happened...lost a lot of good stuff that day RIP like most of my favorites were gone. I respect your privacy but at the same time that makes me more curious lol

JustMegawatt
Posted On Apr 15, 2021

@iyazo Buy the stuff you need, post your receipt, and I'll donate the amount. I recommend a Wal-Mart supercenter, they have both groceries and appliances, just don't go for the super fancy pricey stuff plz XD. PB&J sandwiches are great too, just bread, peanut butter, and jelly, I have it almost daily. But yeah get foods you think you'll enjoy, avocados, tangerines, apple crisps, bananas, trail mix, etc.

I'm guessing that multivitamin has 10mcg, apparently that's based on the limited biomarker measurements they did back in the 1950s. Today the recommended amount is actually 50mcg a day, which is what it is in Europe. If you find something that has 50mcg, that one is good daily. Usually supplements have higher dosage though, like 1000mcg or even 5000mcg. If you get the 1000mcg, that should be good taken every 3-4 days. 2000mcg is good taken once a week, etc.

Yeah I mentioned the Martian because you posted about it in Archaius' post.

iyazo
Posted On Apr 16, 2021

@JustMegawatt I'm not sure when I'll be able to go out yet, but when I do I'll post the receipt. Hopefully the walmart isn't too far that an uber ends up being really pricy... If it does I'll just go to a closer grocery store and get some basic food. No worries, I'll keep it simple. I don't wanna end up buying more Stuff, like appliances, which is just going to end up in storage shortly.

Good to know about the vitamins, thanks!

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