April 14, 2021

Family, Stopped

Well... Last night I thought I was finally making some progress with food, so I took another anti-nausea pill and drank a meal replacement drink... Bad idea. The applesauce did not approve of this. I did manage to eat some more cheerios after that awful occurrence, which settled my stomach down slightly. Today I woke up in a state of panic. I realized last night I'm missing one of my night meds, clonadine- which is usually used to treat high blood pressure, but also has the odd effect of suppressing nightmares and night terrors and calming my night time ADHD brain. So I woke up from a night terror and took my morning medicine. I barely remember what it was about, but it had to do with me being kicked out. I can't even escape it in my dreams. I felt sick and unsettled after that and decided that I was too tired to fight it. I went back to sleep for a while. I ended up waking up again around 5pm feeling sick as hell. All I wanted to do is go back to sleep. I keep thinking about how I'll miss this big comfortable bed. It isn't mine, so it has to stay behind. I've been using my big sleeping pikachu plush as a pillow lately and I've gotten a little bit better sleep on it than with my old pillows. Once I leave here it's hard foam hospital mattress pads and squashed pillows, or hidden in a park somewhere with my head on my bag as a pillow for me. At least it's warm out now most of the time, and I got a cheap $5 umbrella for if it rains.

It was a good thing that I called my cousin David a few days ago. He gave me the idea to talk to Uncle John, who has helped me countless times in the past. He was one of the people who taught me how to drive. He taught me how to fix the alternator in my old Mercury Tracer using a washer and some electrical tape. When I used to live with him and my aunt, back when they lived out in Colorado, we would go to the gym together after dinner every Wednesday, and Thursday nights we would go to the library. He gave me my first car for nothing when I needed a way to get to college- a 1996 Lexus, an old beater of a car, but still a pretty nice one. He didn't even get remotely upset when the car ended up totaled (I was hit by a drunk driver without their headlights on going 80mph while I was at a stop sign about to turn). He's a really good guy and he's always been there for me before.

I left a message for my aunt and uncle two days ago now, but she hasn't responded, so tonight I mentioned it to Aunt Dianne, who happened to mention that my cousin Liz is currently living with them. So I ended up messaging her and she said she'll ask her mom about it. Liz said that she and some of her friends who have helped her move multiple times may be able to help me, and now that the youngest of my cousins are a bit older they could help too! (my aunt and uncle's other kids- they're like 20 years apart from their half-siblings) I keep forgetting how old everyone is getting in my family. It's been a long time since I've seen some of them. They must be... gosh, around 14 if I had to guess (they're twins). Liz said she would pass my info on to Uncle John. So now I have a whole crew who can possibly help me out! Jena is gonna be sooooooooo pissed, but ya done fucked with the wrong family, so now we're gonna have a damn reunion at the house lol and if they dare start shit believe me my family will finish it.

I looked at a couple of places where I can rent a U-Haul to see what their hours were. Same with local storage places- the closer to the shelters, the better, assuming I'll eventually find placement at one of them. I messaged a few new people looking for roommates- one woman said she has someone lined up (though it was just posted and the move in date isn't until July so.....why is it still up...?), but she said if that fell through she would reach out. Another person said that their household is essentially a frat house and probably not a good fit for me. I thanked him for being honest. No new emails. No new prospects.

Tony will be back home soon and will be helping me pack and take apart the big rat cage. I know with how weak and sick I feel I wouldn't be able to do it on my own, so luckily he said he doesn't mind. I pushed back the pickup time on Friday for the rats slightly to account for Tony not coming home from work until a certain time. He started flirting with me a little bit tonight actually, but it kind of just made me sad that after I leave here it will be difficult for me to see him again. Also gosh, why are all of my friends so horny lol he started telling me about a new vibrator he got that he's excited about. I was like jeez I'm glad I didn't go down and open the packages after all like he said I could to find the boxes he ordered. Knowing me I would have opened the wrong box and then turned bright red. Anyway... I'm really sad that Tony and I never really got the chance to try and make any sort of relationship type thing work. Like we were just beginning to spend time together and getting to know each other better before things fell apart. He's a sweetheart though. He definitely deserves someone way better than me anyway, in my opinion. I'm sure we'll try to keep in touch when we can. I don't know how easy that will be when I can barely see my path forward as it is.

Another thing I've been doing lately is... trying to get myself to finish anything. I know that my aversion is really strong right now because I'm constantly in panic mode. It's difficult for people with depression and trauma to try new things sometimes and they'll just keep repeating the same familiar task, same familiar movies, etc. because everything about it is already known and is thus "safe." It's really hard to break out of that once you get stuck. I've put off the last two episodes of WandaVision, Helluva Boss has a bunch of episodes I haven't watched yet (though I WISH they would work on Hazbin Hotel instead), finishing reading The Martian (only 57 pages left... I could easily do that in one sitting), catching up on what I missed in an Alternate Reality Game called ECKVA (though Marble Hornets was a lot better... and see, I shift back to that as my preference because I've seen the series more than once before), and I feel like there's a lot more that I haven't finished and keep putting off too because I either don't want it to be over or I'm afraid of the way it might end. Whatever the case may be, it gives me really bad anxiety. I'm not sure if I should try to push through it and then maybe I'll feel better after I see that everything is ok, nothing bad happened because I finished something... Or maybe because my stress levels have already been through the roof lately I should try to calm myself down with more of my old favorites instead. Comfort material.

My skin scratching and picking issues have come back full force with the stress. Now any little thing on my arms, legs, or face I'll start picking at until it's bleeding. I've scratched freckles off my skin and pick at all of my scars and wounds. It's a compulsion I can't really help. Hopefully I can get myself to stop doing it somehow... I'm really damaging my skin...

One good thing I'm doing is cutting back slowly on how much I vape. I got curious and looked up how many vape puffs equals a pack of cigarettes and found out that's about how much I've been smoking a day because of stress. Now I'm actively doing it less, unless I'm having a really strong craving. I should have never started vaping in the first place. I only started because Glitch gave me her old setup and some juice and it quickly became a habit. When I was in the hospital a while back they had to give me nicotine patches. They suck, but it's better than nothing. I had to learn how to clean my vape and change out the coil today because I had never done it before. Glitch was supposed to teach me, and that's not happening now. The tutorial was pretty simple, but pulling the actual pieces apart was not. That coil should have been changed out long ago- it was extremely nasty! Vaping fresh juice from a new coil is so much better, I don't know how I wasn't noticing the difference before. It's probably a lot better for my lungs too, not inhaling all the gunk that gets caught in the cotton. I know it's a bad habit, but it does help my anxiety somewhat. I'll keep trying to cut back more.

Written by iyazo

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Posted On Apr 15, 2021

Glad your family is willing to help out!

Also I feel you on having trouble finishing things... For me, when I'm in a bad place, I just have trouble getting the energy to start anything I'd enjoy even if I would definitely enjoy it. So I end up doing nothing. It's a habit I'm trying to break.

Posted On Apr 15, 2021

@Achaius oof I have that too I can't start or stop so I end up doing nothing. It really is difficult...

I'm glad I reached out to my family. I was kind of hesitant, but I'm glad I was well received. Unfortunately a lot of my relatives can't help much because they don't have a place for me to stay, or have bad backs/knees for moving things, or live too far away. But I'm glad even though I'm a bit distant sometimes they still love me.

Posted On Apr 15, 2021

My friends that were smokers moved on to vaping, thinking it was healthier than cigarettes, but it's pretty much the same thing. I admit, vaping does look cool, standing outside making a pose on the wall with all the smoke flying around, but it's just as bad as cigarettes.

You wrote about a lot of good news too though, nice!

Posted On Apr 16, 2021

@JustMegawatt I feel like I finally caught a bit of a break and hopefully soon everything will come together and work out. Vaping is also dangerous because it's made to taste good, whereas flavored cigarettes were outlawed

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