April 15, 2021


I didn't sleep very well. I kept waking up from nightmares, even though I started taking my clonadine again, they wouldn't stop. I started waking up around 2-3am, would fall asleep for another little while, and repeat. Some of the dreams were bizarre, some were violent, all were in some way either scary or at the very least off-putting, like something was just wrong. One of those dreams is one I've had before. It's mostly just me walking around in this giant bathroom part of a locker room, but the walls are all oddly shaped and undulating, so each of the bathroom stalls was a weird size and shape and a lot of them didn't have doors. It was a really gross place and I felt like I was trapped there because I kept going around in a lumpy circle and couldn't find a way out. In another dream, someone had shaved off the long part of my hair, leaving only the shorter sides. It looked terrible and I had to stand in front of a huge mirror and completely shave my head, which was done in complete silence, just me looking blankly at myself in the mirror until everything was gone. I had other dreams where Glitch was screaming at me, flashbacks really. Dreams about Jena attacking me or fighting with me. Dreams about anything that could possibly go wrong with moving. Dreams about horrible ways I could die. Dreams about the people I love dying (I found out yesterday that my Aunt Patti is back in chemotherapy again).

Today was a day where I didn't have the willpower to get up. The panic from the dreams made me. I grabbed my morning medicine and took something to calm myself down. I thought about going back to sleep and pulled my blanket over my head against the rising sun. I was able to get maybe two solid hours of sleep before I heard someone faintly calling my name. I was a bit embarrassed that I was still in bed. Tony came up and brought the boxes he told me he had gotten for me. Looks like there are plenty. I'm also really glad I didn't open the other box because this is not the one I saw sitting outside when I came back the other day lol. I told him I needed to rest a bit more and would call him up around 8 or so to help me pack, but he ended up feeling too tired from work and I wasn't feeling great anyway so I just let it go... I wasn't able to get any more sleep than that anyway and ended up lying down uselessly for a few hours. I eventually sat up and listened to a couple of meditations, ate some applesauce, and started working on cleaning out the bottom half of the rat cage as well as everything stored on top. They have a bunch of treats I forgot about, so for the last day that I have them, I'm going to spoil the hell out of my boys.

Tomorrow, when Tony gets home from work, he's going to help me pull that big metal behemoth apart so I can clean it and have it ready to go for Lauren when she comes by in the evening. I have the travel carrier all set up for the boys. I just hope they don't chew the sides because it's actually a plastic cat/dog carrier which I used to use for my rabbit before he passed away. They won't be in it terribly long though and I put in a few treats, a fleece blanket, and a cooling mat. I gathered all of their extra toys, food, and bedding together. All I need to do is clean the cage and take it apart. It's going to leave a big empty space in the room, and a bigger empty space in my heart. I don't know when I'll be in a stable enough living situation again in a place that would allow pets to know if I'll ever have that companionship again. I feel like it's something I need in my life. I don't want to be completely alone. Even today, they gave me a reason to get up. Once they're gone, will the rest of my will to live go with them?

No word from my family today.

Cleared some space in my drawers to shove my winter clothes in for now since I don't need them. Thinking about removing things from my dufflebag because it turns out it's quite heavy when full, and I worry that it's a bit flimsy to be packed to the brim, so I'll likely move some things around and get rid of even more where I can. Tomorrow depends on how I feel when I wake up. I've noticed that I'm a lot less nauseous at night, so I might take it easier during the day again, since I did most of the prep work to relocate the rats tomorrow already. After that I'll have more space to maneuver boxes around and stack them up. One day at a time. Today I did the best that I could manage.

Written by iyazo

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Posted On Apr 17, 2021

"Once they're gone, will the rest of my will to live go with them?"
Hmm, maybe you can make it a new goal to get stable enough to get them again, or find new pets for adoption once you're ready again?

Great that you did the best that you could manage today, that's what counts!

I think one of the reasons you don't have motivation to get out of bed, might just be due to lack of energy, which is due to lack of eating anything.

Like I offered, you can go to any grocery store or a Wal-Mart Supercenter, and get whatever you need to get healthy again (just no animal products obviously, since I don't like my money contributing to that). Have fun, get some of the pricey fruits if you want, I'll pay for it. Or here, try going to a Burger King and getting an Impossible Whopper if you haven't tried it yet, I'll foot the bill for the Uber back and forth and the burger. Though obviously burgers aren't healthy, you need to eat _something_...

If I got this offer, I'd take it. I'd buy some tangerines, avocados, kombucha, potatoes, etc. and have the time of my life.

Posted On Apr 17, 2021

@JustMegawatt I really appreciate the offer (and planned to buy no animal products, obviously)! I've not had the impossible whopper, but I have had impossible burgers before which are basically the same idea. Those were really good. I'm going to see if maybe my roommate Tony will go to the store with me tomorrow as I need to go out and pick up medicine as well anyhow. I think you're right about the lack of energy/motivation being due to not eating. I was able to eat last night and felt a lot better than I had been feeling previously- even though it was just green pea crisps, I ate a decent amount of them. I don't want to end up buying more food than I can eat though either, so I'm not gonna go crazy with it or anything when I do go out. I really wish I had a minifridge up here for fruits and juices and things because it gets pretty hot. I don't want anything to go bad before I can eat it.

Posted On Apr 17, 2021

@JustMegawatt I had that goal last time too... I was kicked out of a house I had lived in for 2 years and my ex kept my dog and rabbit, and I had to give away the rats I had then (stolen) and my blue tongued skink (happily rehomed and I can get pics whenever I'd like). I thought living here was going to be pretty stable. I already had the cage and everything. Jena was actually really excited to get them and went with me to pick them out back when we got along. I guess I could make that my goal again, but it just feels like it keeps happening and I don't want to keep putting animals in a situation where they might need to be rehomed... That's why I worry about not being able to have pets again. At least not any time soon, since I don't even know what I'm doing with myself anymore...

Posted On Apr 17, 2021

@iyazo If you want a minifridge, I can also pay for one. I've seen some for around $100 at Best Buy, so I'd have no problem buying you that.

Get more Green Pea Crisps if you want too, those are great. You could also try other chips with salsa / guacamole, those are good too. Go reasonably crazy if you want, buy whatever. Trail mix, dried fruits, nuts, fruits, etc. Have you tried Clif Bars or Lara Bars before? Both are amazing, Lara Bars especially, they're just made with few ingredients (usually 2-3 ingredients, like cashew and dates). There's also cereals you could eat like chips, like Kashi or Cornflakes, they're like sweet chips basically.

Posted On Apr 17, 2021

@JustMegawatt I think a minifridge would be too much because then I would have to store it eventually as well. Those are some good ideas though, I'll have to look for those bars and I'll try them. I'll be reasonably crazy. Thank you <3

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