April 16, 2021

Goodbye, My Dears

I stayed up a little later last night to prep some of the rat stuff ahead of time. I had a ton of blankets, hammocks, toys, and treats for my rats. Tony actually ended up waking me up when he came home because I ended up actually getting some sleep for once, so I had to hurry and ground and settle myself before getting right to work. I had time for about 8 minutes of meditation, time to take my meds, and have a quick smoke. Tony came up and got to work putting together boxes mixed with books and stuffed animals to keep things light enough for me to carry. The boxes are the perfect size and there should be enough of them. While he did that, I scrubbed down the cage and cleaned out the litter boxes. It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would and I was able to get the majority of the cage apart by myself, except for one piece. I messaged Lauren and let her know we were done early. She was just getting off of work. She was supposed to have off today, but actually called me earlier from work because we need to push back my therapy session since Ambre has been sick for over a week, and to confirm picking up the rats tonight. Maybe it's not just me and my nerves, maybe it is a bug...

Tony brought down the disassembled cage, the bag of rat supplies, the bedding and food, and the rats in their carrier. They knew something was different this time. I could tell by the way they looked at me. I had to say goodbye to them in my room because Tony warned me that Glitch and Jena were downstairs on the porch, so I was unable to meet Lauren or to see them off. They all actually stayed still and let me pet them for a while. That was a first. They had let me pick them up, too, which they normally don't like. I let them go before I could start crying. I don't think it has even fully hit me yet that they're gone. I had my sons taken from me once again and now I am alone. All I have to show for it is $200. I don't care about the money, because it's not as if I have anywhere to go. My sons are gone.

I found Lapis' old collar from when Jon and I first brought her home and the poor dog was so sick... Even though Jon kept my dog, I still have the collar. I found it when I was looking through things to get rid of. It think that's something I'll always hold onto. Maybe eventually I'll wash it and put it on a stuffed animal or something. I really miss her too. I had tried reaching out to Jon, but I got no response. Steam is my only way to contact him and he's never really on. He probably just closes my messages without even reading them... Though I'm not sure why keep me on his friends list at all. Maybe they're not even getting through, if his computer shuts down or something.

I ate well last night. I snuck down to the kitchen and grabbed some of the stuff that was mine, though a lot of it had been eaten. I have some rice, soups, and a few other things. I just need to be brave enough to go down and use the microwave. The weekend is a bad time for that though because Glitch will probably stay over and be on the couch. So going downstairs is dangerous. Tony asked if I had eaten today and I hadn't. I told him I still wasn't feeling well. He got me a large thing of french fries anyway and told me that I should eat. I feel bad not being able to eat it, though I am picking at it here and there. I'm a little hesitant because I thought that eating french fries that had sat overnight was what originally made me sick... I did feel better today since I ate last night though. I had enough energy to get all of the rat stuff taken care of and to pack up a bunch of other boxes by myself after Tony went back downstairs.

In fact, the only things that need to be packed now are the rest of my clothes that are left over which I've slowly been working through, as well as anything that may be in the back of the closet. My bed stuff and toiletries are still out for now, along with two stuffed animals I sleep with. After everything is put in storage, before I leave here, I'm going to be in essentially an empty room with just those things while I do a final cleaning of the room. Honestly, I shouldn't even bother with that. Usually when you move out, you clean, but when I came here this room was disgusting- litter and cat shit everywhere, stains all over the walls and floor... It's not like I paid a deposit. Maybe I'll just leave it. Fuck them for being so unreasonable. I know children who handle conflict better. I don't think I could ever in good conscious kick someone out onto the streets without anywhere else to go unless something actually life threatening was going on. I think everyone deserves shelter or a home. I guess that shows how different Jena and I are.

I get a knot in my stomach whenever I look for new listings now because I know either there won't be anything new, or it will be too far away for me to get to. It just stresses me out. At this point, I know I need to go back to the hospital anyway and get myself sorted out, hopefully get an actual caseworker this time. Maybe I should give up on the listings for now since all they do is stress me out. What I should be doing is finding out when Brett, David, and my uncle and cousins are free. I need to arrange a time to go look at storage units as well as figuring out what day we would need the truck. The place I was looking at closes at 5, so I'm hoping that I won't have to keep the truck overnight or something. I don't have to start these things until next month though, so now I'm actually a bit ahead of schedule. I didn't expect Tony to be such a packing machine! He got so much done that would have taken me forever on my own.

It's 10pm, so I'm going to take it easy for the rest of the night and start again tomorrow with the clothes, or maybe the things jammed way back into the alcoves. That's where I ended up finding my food- I forgot that Glitch had moved literally all of my stuff to "organize it" without asking, meaning I had no idea where anything was. My yam had actually started sprouting. I could have planted it.

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Our minds divide, the past repeats.

A war still brewing in the hearts of those we once bled.

I am the knowing, the living dead.

Dig deeper, remember all you've been and all you've left behind.

Wave goodbye, my dear.

Dig deeper, remember all you've been and all you've left behind.

Welcome home, my dear.

No words to say.

The worst displayed.

What once was courage is now cursed in the hurt we've made.

We are the sinners, before our graves.

[...] Let your rabbit go, run.

Written by iyazo

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