April 17, 2021

Three Weeks Remain

I'm so tired... I woke up at a reasonable time thinking that Tony would be coming with me to pick up my medicine and go grocery shopping today. I messaged him a few times and even though it's showing him as being online now he hasn't responded at all or even looked at my messages. So I didn't get to go out today like I had planned to. My next chance will be Monday, when I planned to get my first vaccine, and now need to pick up my medicine and food. Now I'm not sure about getting the vaccine in the middle of this mess because I know it's going to kick my ass for a few days and... my moving date has shifted forward. I didn't plan it this way, but since the only day my uncle is free is Saturday I had to pick a Saturday that wasn't the 15th. Can't pick the 22nd because that's past my move out date, so I picked the 8th. I think the 1st would be too soon. My cousin asked what my plans were after everything was moved out and I said I would just stay here until I get my second vaccine and until the last day I can stay. She doesn't trust me to stay here by myself in a hostile environment with essentially nothing... She's been both a nurse and a bartender, and knowing our family's history, I don't blame her for questioning what I'm really doing. She asked what my plan was after that and I said it was to go back to the hospital and admitted it was stupid to draw the wait out even longer. She said "That's what I was getting at." She's right. I probably would try to kill myself if I stayed. So I don't know if I should bother getting my first shot yet since I may be unable to get the second one in time, most likely, rendering it useless anyway and leading to me needing more shots...

This new timeframe gives me only 3 weeks left to pack, and ultimately 1 week to choose a storage locker and reserve a u-haul somewhere. I messaged Brett and David to let them know about the moving date. Brett kind of panicked and said they have a lot going on right now, but then said they would help with the truck. David said he'll see what he can do. I'm not sure what time we're planning to start moving things. My cousin is trying to convince me that renting the van would be cheaper than the truck, to load it a bunch of times and go back and forth, rather than just one trip with a bigger truck. She says to trust her as someone that has had to move 18 times in the past 18 years... That's even more than me. I still don't know if I agree that it will be more efficient. It seems like more work. The place is only a mile away. I know the initial cost is higher for the truck and then it goes per mile but still.... The truck is only $20... I really don't care about $20 if it gets there all at the same time.

If I had known Tony wasn't going to reply at all today, I would have gone back to sleep. Being honest, knowing that he was downstairs with Glitch, Jena, and whatever stranger they brought over, I know they were all probably on acid. Again, in front of the kids. They were all up really late, so I didn't get the chance to go down and take a shower like I had wanted. Hopefully I can do that tonight because I feel gross.

I got a message from my friend Sanna earlier. I met Sanna a few months ago through the safe space facebook page for a mental health app called Wysa and we message each other every now and then. (If I recall correctly, she's from Finland? Or maybe Sweden?) I told her about what has been going on and she got very upset, asking why my family would allow me to just go homeless like this- in her culture I guess maybe that is unheard of? I said they are trying to help the best that they can, but no one will even so much as let me sleep on the floor until I find a place, so I have to move my things to storage. I told her I would keep her updated up until I go back to the hospital. She sent me encouraging messages, saying how strong I am, and that I can make it through this, and that she's here for me. It was really nice. I'm glad that we became friends. I'm glad for all of the friends that I've made here and on Habitica as well who are rooting for me to keep going.

Maybe moving on the 8th rather than the 20th will be a blessing in disguise. Maybe I'll find something better sooner. Or maybe I'll become exactly like my mother, going from institution to institution, being homeless or barely scraping by while everyone forgets about me and I get lost in the cycle of it. Liz said I should set goals for myself. Work on getting my body and mind better again, and then maybe think about getting a job, but I don't know that I can do that as I've explained before...


You know those days where you're sad for no reason

Those days where your body is heavy

And it looks like everyone else except you is busy and fierce

My feet won't set off, though it seems like I'm already too late

I'm hateful of the whole world


Come home and lie in bed

Thinking if it was all my fault

Dizzy night, looking at the clock

Soon it will be midnight

Will something be different?

It won't be something like that

But this day will be over

When the minute and the second hands overlap

The world holds its breath for a while...

Zero o'clock

Written by iyazo

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Posted On Apr 18, 2021

Your mind has a lot of power in how you feel, how energetic you are, your immune system, etc. If you go in taking the vaccine thinking "I am going to be out for a few days after this", then you will be out for a few days after this. For me, I would go in thinking "I'll be better after the shot", in which case that would come true, and I wouldn't be out for a few days and I would actually be better than previous. This is pretty much why I never get sick, ever... I think the entire time I've been writing this journal on this site, which is over a year, I haven't gotten sick once or injured or anything...

Also your brain is one thinking part of your body, the other part is your gut microbiome which people call the "second brain". You have more individual bacteria living in your gut than you have cells in your entire body. They only live only because you live. If your gut bacteria want you to feel good, they will make you feel good. If your gut microbiome wants you to be healthy, they will fight off diseases for you. Make sure you have a healthy gut flora too, you feed them by eating a variety of fiber foods (only foods in the plant kingdom have fiber). Take care of them, and they will take care of you. It's a symbiotic relationship. So that's another reason why it's good to eat bananas, tangerines, rice, potatoes, trail mix, etc, whatever other foods you like, because they have fiber which the gut microbiome thrives on.

Posted On Apr 19, 2021

@JustMegawatt I don't think mind over matter necessarily always works or most people would never get sick ever. I have a compromised immune system because of some of the stronger medications I'm on (like omeprazole, for reflux disease, which also affects my gut microbiome, but I get very sick without it), as well as my weakened liver. Knowing this and seeing most people I know saying that it took an entire day out of them makes me wonder what it will do to me. I could get lucky and have no side effects at all. I've been eating better, so I can hope that will help. I didn't know all of that about the gut microbiome- neat!

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