April 18, 2021


I wish I hadn't set my alarm this morning. It woke me up for church, but I just didn't feel like showing up today, so I didn't. I feel like if there is a God he would understand. I feel like they all pity me, but won't do much of anything about it. I didn't feel like telling them yet again that the house search has gone nowhere and I'm a failure. In fact, the house search has stopped completely because my cousin is insistent that after I move my things into storage on the 8th that I shouldn't stay here anymore and should go back to the hospital. I understand why. They're bad people who don't want me here, I haven't been able to properly take care of myself, and being stuck in a room with just some necessities clothes and my phone is not ideal.

I was feeling anxious in the morning so eventually I ended up getting up and started to pack more things away with that energy. I cleared out my entire closet finally. That took forever because I had to remove everything from the hangers, fold everything really small, packing similar clothing together, gather the hangers together, grab everything off of the shelves, pack shoes away, and get all of the miscellaneous stuff in the back of the closet on the floor. I took a couple of breaks for meditation, but other than that I was basically going all day long. I got a bunch of boxes packed and stacked. I just need to rearrange my too heavy dufflebag still and that will be the last of it.

Next, I need to clear some space so I can get to the alcove on the right side of the room, make sure all of those boxes are packed, and gather the food that I do have left up here. I know there's at least one bin and a bag over there that I need to clear out and add to my donations bag. There are still some loose things around the room that need to go into a box. My computer is being taken down last. I'll have to ask Tony to wrap up my long pink ethernet cable for me.

I think he was planning on helping me, but I got a message pretty late that he slept all through Saturday. I don't know what he did today. I think those people stayed over. They definitely dropped acid.

Tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to clear out my shopping bags to take along with me. I looked at a map to see where the closest grocery store is along my route tomorrow. Seems like the best thing to do is go pick up my medicine first (which I was supposed to do with Tony on Saturday, but it didn't happen), and then go to my vaccination appointment. I don't know how long that will be or if there will be a wait, so I'll have to call another ride to get to the grocery store afterwards, and then yet another ride to get back to the house... The closest one is Wegman's which I guess is ok. I don't plan on getting a lot, just enough to last the next few weeks. I have to get all vegan foods, which I'm completely fine with. I have a pretty good list in my head of what I'm going to look for.

My stomach might give me trouble at the hospital though because they don't do special diets there. Weird, I know, considering they make you meet with a nutritionist and everything. If you're allergic to something in what they made? Fuck you, basically. They give you two choices and it's very rare that the other option isn't also meat. Not even a vegetarian option, unless all I eat for every meal is a small plain salad. They watch how much you eat though, especially for someone like me who has issues with eating sometimes, so I'm a little worried about going back because of the food not being so good. Hospital food is never good though.

I've been having a slightly better time with my anxiety lately. Part of it is because I don't need to worry as much about money or food right now, and my plan is going to be solidified as soon as the next month rolls over. Then I can start shopping around for a storage unit, which I've done before. I'm just going to have to suck it up and make some phone calls and then arrange rides over to visit the place before signing a lease. The truck should be simple, just need to find a place and I can probably book it online. All of that will be done within the span of a week and I have plenty of time until then, so it's important that I break up my slow packing with different activities to keep my anxiety levels under control, even if that means just lying down for a while. I did that earlier- put on some meditation music and just laid still for an hour (the duration of the piece), and then got back up and started working again. I didn't fall asleep or anything, but it was nice. Focusing on something like cartoons helps a lot too. Lately I've been watching through The Simpsons. I won't have access to Disney+ for much longer because it's Glitch's account and Tony is letting me stealth mode use his profile. Might as well enjoy it while I can.

I started following the ARG ECKVA Network again. I have no idea what the fuck is happening. There were videos and an abandoned house and now there's.... this... choose your own adventure type of thing happening now?? Since alternate reality games are meant to exist in real-time, it's still pretty interesting to see where the plot is headed and wait for the next clue or video to drop. There was actually a twitter post the other day and I got to take part in voting for what happens next! (Wake up damn it, wake up!!!! -bangs pots and pans- time to get the fuuuuuuuuuuck out of here!) I'm not as invested in this series as I was with Marble Hornets, even though it's heavily hinted that it takes place in the same universe. Maybe because it's still technically in the beginning (yes, a 6 year long intro... ARGs can last for YEARS) and there really is no connection with the characters yet for me to care about them after all this time. I think ECKVA had actually been retconned a few times and that's why it is the way it is now. They used to have more people working on it, but the creator supposedly fucked them over so they left. The series technically started in 2015 as Clear Lakes 44, but there was this huge fallout between everyone after hiring a new member. It was never publicly revealed why, outside of money issues, what their deal was with this guy, but a little digging and I found the same handle- only person using that particular name anywhere other than twitter, active on a subreddit for zoophiles, so.... yyyyyyeahHH he got fired too and that's probably why. I wanted to hope that it was an unfortunate mix up, but yeah, he was fired (I just looked it up and the evidence is gone now, I doubt reddit would actively allow a subreddit like that and it was probably all deleted, so make of that what you will). So now I think there's only one person making the series, the original creator, and I know he's making a Marble Hornets comic series now too so that's taken up some time.

Maybe I should check out some other ARGs. I never got much into the copycats of the slenderman mythos, but I heard some of the stories are alright. I was watching a different series altogether called Petscop for a while, not sure what happened to that. From the page it looks like maybe it ended a year ago? I have catching up to do. A good ARG is hard to find.

I've also been watching a youtube series called Murder, Mystery, & Makeup, but I've watched nearly every video. I'm not really into makeup other than it looks cool I guess, but it almost feels like... gossipy and fun when someone tells you a story like that while doing their makeup. Like sis is just spillin the tea over here and I am Here For That. Mondays. So yes, I'm excited for a new episode, but I worry this might be the week she chooses to skip an upload. I want to watch more true crime things (that are actually good... There's a lot of garbage to wade through on Netflix). It might sound awful, but hearing about the usually shitty childhoods and lives that some of these people had before becoming murderers is interesting to me- like, wow, I could have ended up like that with all of the trauma I've been through. At least that's not me on either end of that kind of situation.

Ahh dang..... I ended up getting a really deep, thick scratch down the center of my right glasses lens, probably while moving stuff. I thought it was a white hair at first because it's fairly noticeable. My prescription is really high and of course with the whole moving situation I have to get the damn expedited shipping to get a new pair. I just ordered the same pair I've been wearing for the past two years. The hinges were really wearing out after all that time anyway... I guess it was time. An unexpected $80 gone... Also I hate breaking in new glasses.

I should really try to get to sleep soon so that I don't end up oversleeping and not sticking to my plans for tomorrow.



Written by iyazo

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Posted On Apr 19, 2021

Have a good time grocery shopping! Don't worry about anything, I'll reimburse your purchase.

Computers are so old nowadays, laptops are smaller and more convenient, and they can do all the same things as regular computers. Do you want a laptop? Sitting in a room with just your phone and clothes and a sleeping bag seems boring, that's like a prison... But if you had a laptop, wouldn't that improve things a lot? I could probably get you a laptop or a Quest VR.

We know today that major diseases like heart disease and type 2 diabetes are completely curable and mostly preventable (nothing is 100% preventable) on a plant based diet and yet they serve unhealthy meals at hospitals. Some say it's because hospitals want you sick and they make their money that way, which I can understand, but I think it's mainly because even hospital staff themselves (doctors, nurses) are mostly uninformed and unaware of the power of nutrition and lifestyle in helping the body fight off against diseases.

Personally if I were prescribed a bunch of medications, I'd be on a personal vendetta to be out of them. All medications have side-effects and none of them cure the problem, they only go after symptoms temporarily in an artificial way, and they never cure, only relieve symptoms, hence having to basically be prescribed and be dependent on them for life.

My dad had gout and was put on medication, he couldn't walk, I had to carry him on my shoulders as he limped along to get anywhere, and like other medications, people usually take gout medication for life after they're prescribed. I showed him videos on how a plant based diet could actually cure gout, based on science and clinical trials. What do you know, he was cured after 1-2 weeks and was taken off medications, and his doctor was shocked. That was around 4 years ago. So it is entirely in our power to cure ourselves of most problems we have (not gonna say we can cure AIDS or Cancer).

If you have Netflix, I'd check out Forks Over Knives and Game Changers, both are excellent movies about this kind of topic.

Posted On Apr 20, 2021

I'm excited to post the pictures of what I got (I have the receipt for you, too). I didn't get a ton of stuff, but it should be enough to keep me going for a while. Thank you so much!

I guess desktop computers are a little old fashioned now... I built mine as a gaming rig a few years back, but you're right it isn't very convenient... You would really get a laptop for me? :0 !!!! Whoa! I mean yeah it would give me stuff to do, but you definitely don't have to or anything because that's a lot to ask for! I don't really know anything about VR, honestly. It seems cool, but don't you need a decent amount of space to move around? I guess once the boxes are cleared away I would have space. Being in the hospital isn't going to feel much better- staying there is pretty bare bones and dull. At least I'm allowed to bring a paperback book.

I believe you about the hospitals just wanting to make more money. They're all either government or privately owned businesses- that's exactly what it is, a business. In this country there is such a stigma against illness, especially mental illness, and everyone's solution seems to be to just cram everyone full of pills until they stop complaining. It's an ugly thing. It sucks that I didn't realize I was becoming dependent on these meds before it was too late, now it has been years and I feel absolutely terrible off of them. I could see myself feeling a little better if I changed my diet, but I know it wouldn't cure what's wrong with me. It's good that your dad got better though!

I don't see Forks Over Knives, but I do see The Game Changers on there, so I'll add it to my watch list for when I have some free time. Doesn't look like something I would normally watch, but I'll give it a try. I find the documentaries on Netflix to be kind of hit or miss, but I trust that you picked a good one.

Posted On Apr 20, 2021

@iyazo Sweeeeet! Can't wait for the pics! And sure, no problem at all.

Yeah I can get you a laptop. It wouldn't be new though because those are $800 or whatever, which is out of my budget sorry, maybe around $200 though.

Can you list all your medications and what they're for? I'm just curious. Keep in mind none of them cure anything, only alleviate symptoms for a while. If it were true medicine, you'd take it once or just a handful of times, and then you'd be off them forever with your problems solved, not be dependent on them for a lifetime. Like my dad's bout with gout, there are probably actual cures to the problems you have, outside of medications.

For mental illnesses, I think people should read some philosophy books to get an understanding of their inner psyche. I define philosophy as a way of thinking, they won't fix anything in the external world, but some ways of thinking are cures to inner turmoil like depression and anxiety.

Oh yeah I just saw that Forks Over Knives is no longer on Netflix. I guess the licensing agreement ended. Game Changers is a fun watch for sure, I got into a personal fitness craze when that movie came out, running a half-marathon after just a week or two of training basically.

Posted On Apr 20, 2021

@JustMegawatt Yeah they're expensiveeee, a $200 one would probably be just fine as long as it works because I wouldn't be using it for anything intense.

I know that there are no actual cures for the problems that I have, but alleviating the symptoms when they become too much is important. I actually studied psychology in college. I've been told that I know myself very well. I know how my mind works and what it feels like when it's off. It's something you literally can't imagine unless you've gone through it. And I don't mean occasional bouts of depression, I mean when you are actually diagnosed and meet the criteria for major depressive disorder or anything else I've been professionally diagnosed with over the years with the guidance of my doctors and therapists. Not that learning about philosophy is a bad idea, I like philosophy, but just like medication it's not a cure. It will not fix me. I am broken.

I take:
Omeprazole 20mg 2x daily, morning and night, for gastroesophageal reflux disease
Ondansetron 4mg, up to 3x daily before meals, for nausea/vomiting
Estradiol 2mg, morning, for menopause/hot flashes caused by having a complete hysterectomy
Klonopin 1mg, 3x daily, Morning noon and night, for anxiety/panic disorder
Hydroxyzine 25mg, up to 4x daily as needed for panic attacks
Clonidine 0.2mg nightly, for C-PTSD, nightmares, night terrors, and sleepwalking
Trazodone 50mg nightly, for insomnia, trouble falling asleep/staying asleep
Ambien 10mg nightly, for insomnia, trouble falling asleep/staying asleep
Desvenlafaxine 100mg nightly, for major depressive disorder
Mirtazapine 30mg nightly, for major depressive disorder
Voltaren gel, 2g topically up to 4x daily as needed for pain/arthritis
Vitamin D2 50000 Unit once a week (Sunday), for low vitamin D levels

The way some of these medications work is in how they interact with neurotransmitters in the brain, restoring what should be the natural balance of chemicals. The estradiol, for example, replaces the estrogen that is no longer being made by my body after the surgery. Psych meds aren't much different. I don't always take the ondansetron and voltaren, just when I need them. I also used to be on an antipsychotic called olanzapine, but I took myself off of it because I believed it was making me more aggressive, and didn't think I needed to be on an antipsychotic at all. I can tell the difference between a medication that works for me and one that doesn't that I shouldn't be on.

Posted On Apr 20, 2021

@iyazo "Not that learning about philosophy is a bad idea, I like philosophy, but just like medication it's not a cure. It will not fix me. I am broken." Like I mentioned before, if you tell yourself that, it will be true.

"The way some of these medications work is in how they interact with neurotransmitters in the brain, restoring what should be the natural balance of chemicals" I would say the natural level is the amount your body produces on its own naturally, which you can actually alter naturally without medications.

__Depression Medications__:

Did you know that 90% of your serotonin is produced in your gut by your gut microbiome? Serotonin controls your mood, and your microbes control your serotonin. By starving them, they're not going to be able to produce much for you. You can basically get them to produce normal amounts by feeding them what they like, which is a diverse variety of plant fibers, the more different plants you eat in a day the better. Minimum I eat 17 different plants daily (16 bean mix, and brown rice). I add another 20 or so plants by just adding herbs and spices seasonings which have many different plants mixed together.

By not eating certain plant foods, you starve out your microbes that ate those foods, hence why some people have major issues with beans since their microbiome that used to eat it have died out, whereas I eat beans as around 40% of my calorie source daily, and I have no gas, no bloating, no issues at all, not even farting much or at all.

Anti-depressants can do weird things like make it so that your body doesn't discard serotonin, which can cause accumulation of serotonin called serotonin syndrome, which is only caused by taking anti-depressant medications. This is extremely artificial, just on paper, to me, it doesn't sound like a good idea to make it so your body doesn't discard serotonin. I could make it so I never run out of toilet paper, by just making sure I never throw any away and re-use them, but it's not really a good idea.

__Sleeping Medications__:

Get some sun daily so your body can produce better melatonin at night, a hormone to get you to fall asleep, which can cause you to fall asleep more easily. Fill your day with a lot of activity, especially physical activity throughout the day so you'll feel far more tired at night. Turn off all the lights at night, at 8 PM, no cell phone or any other screen, much more easily to fall asleep that way too. I feel sleepy as soon as the sun goes down at around 8 PM, I could go to sleep at that time, but usually use my computer until like 12 AM.

The worst offender though is an active mind, just chill your mind out and think about nothing while lying down except the darkness and your breath. It's a combination of fixing and having all these things that make falling asleep a breeze. Like if you sufficiently tire yourself out enough, you wouldn't have an active mind. That's how I fall asleep instantly every night without any insomnia or other issues.

__Getting Prescribed Medications__:

Dude if I went to a therapist or a doctor, do you think they WOULDN'T prescribe me with anything? I mean I don't have any issues personally, I'm not sad or depressed, nor do I have trouble sleeping. But hey, let's say I was at my worst, let's say hypothetically one day I felt bad and depressed because some life issues happened, I go to a doctor or therapist and talk about my issues, even though I'm only feeling bad for that one day, that I only had sleeping issues the night before, they're going to give me some meds. It's how they make a living.

If you take a look at any of the medications you take, and look up its side effects, the list of side effects is enormous for that one pill. For example "Hydroxyzine side effects." There's like 12 common side effects.

If you are "broken", it probably has to do with all the drugs you're taking and all the side effects they're causing. Also yeah, there's withdrawal symptoms for not taking them, again basically forcing you to be dependent on them for life.

What's wrong with being sad anyway? I'd rather be depressed all day and just lie in my room crying, which there is nothing wrong with, than have to pay a lot of money for artificicial prescription just to possibly feel not sad and be dependent on them for life and deal with all the side effects. Based on my research and personal experience though, I know I can cure most of my problems alone through natural means like getting more serotonin by feeding my gut microbiome a healthy plant diverse diet, sleeping more easily by getting more sunlight and tiring myself more in the day, etc.

There are of course issues where I would need medical attention for sure, like if I suffered a major wound or got into a bad accident, then yes obviously I need medical attention and external help for possibly surgery and blood replacement, maybe getting nutrition through the blood. But some internal issues like anxiety, depression, sleep disorder, I can handle those on my own or I would just live with them.

Posted On Apr 21, 2021

@JustMegawatt You really don't understand. If I stop taking my medication I WILL DIE. I will literally kill myself. I'm not going to stop taking it because your way doesn't work for me, it will end up with me dead.

Posted On Apr 21, 2021

@iyazo Keep taking them then, I don't mean to get you to stop taking medications btw, just saying those are the alternatives outside medication, all backed by science. I could cite every single thing I mentioned too, such as 90% of serotonin being produced by your gut (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29909048/), that study says 95% is in the gut, and that a fiber diverse diet is what they thrive on and keeps them happy and healthy (https://msystems.asm.org/content/3/3/e00031-18)

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