Unwelcome

Damn it I had a whole post written up elsewhere that got deleted again. I think it's something with my phone... Anyway I was really irritated earlier in the day. I realized that I managed to sleep through having my vitals taken and blood drawn, which on one hand is good because I don't like needles, but on the other it feels like a complete violation to remove my bodily fluids while I'm unconscious. I woke up with a new gauze and tape pad on my arm and just seeing that it was done kind of upset me. This whole day was upsetting honestly and ended up with me crying and writing everything out like this...

I did get some good news- I messaged someone that I recognized from the local LGBTQ+ group who had posted an ad for 3 available bedrooms available on July 1st. I'd still be homeless for a while, but that seems like an actual viable option. It's well within my price range and not too far outside of the area where I want to stay for my doctors and such. There was another place that popped up actually in the city for about the same price, but by the time I had typed up my usual spiel the listing was removed. It was only up for 2 hours. That's how hard it is to find a place to live around here. I really hope that this one place works out because it's my last hope, but I'm worried about needing to show the landlord my social security card which I dont have. I hope it's not necessary.

I also got mad at Tony today (that was the post that got deleted) because I mentioned to him that I would be going home tomorrow and that I was only going to him about it because he's the only one I trust. I don't trust anyone in the group chat and I'm afraid they'll attack me. He responded by saying that the time Glitch DID attack me (while on acid, backing me into a corner, blocking the only exit, and screaming at me) that her actions were justified because he said I provoked her to attack me. All I did was move her stuff neatly into a bag and tell her to come get it whenever because I wanted her out of my room and I was going to bed because it was 5am. He said I was "holding her stuff hostage" ...bruh it was literally IN MY ROOM ALREADY. If anything, I was the one provoked into doing something that was seen, for some reason, as a hostile act because I was so mad that she had lied to me twice and decided to drop acid with Jena and ignore me instead. Apparently that makes me just like her ex wife somehow. I really wanna ask that bitch right before I leave what is it about her that makes people want to hang themselves like her wife and brother did, and then me.

But Tony took her side this time and I'm seriously considering cutting him out of my life for it. What she did was extremely triggering for me and brought back flashbacks of when my ex would do exactly what she did before he raped or assaulted me. I now have flashbacks and night terrors of her doing this to me too. Glitch is now partially responsible for my C-PTSD. She also holds a position of power over me, being so involved in the local LGBTQ+ coalition... that makes it not a safe space for me anymore because if she's there I don't feel safe, thus defeating the purpose of having those safe spaces if dangerous people are running them. She's an incredibly unstable individual and really needs to stop dropping acid (it can make people very paranoid and aggressive) and go spend some time getting help for herself at a behavioral hospital like I chose to do. But no, in Tony's eyes she had the right to purposely trigger me, causing me to self harm and go back to the behavioral hospital myself. That's absolutely fucked. I personally don't think anyone has the right to trigger someone on purpose and yes she knew she was hitting those three triggers, it was fully intentional.

Tony made it up to me though ...I guess... Though probably not really for that reason. I don't actually know why he decided to suddenly start being nice to me after that when I clearly ended the conversation not wanting to talk to him anymore. He messaged me saying he's taking the last of my donations to work (2 full garbage bags and 2 full boxes of books). He also messaged me saying he did my laundry like I had asked days ago, which I thought he wasn't going to do because he responded with "I'll think about it." This is the first time I've seen that turn into a yes.

He asked when I'll be home and the best estimate I have is "sometime before noon," but since were running on Hospital Standard Time where 1 hour quickly turns into 5, I don't know for sure. He said Jena will be out on the porch, so I shouldn't be locked out. But yeah... That was totally sprung on me today. The medical doctor came in and said that since they stopped the IV antibiotics I'm cleared by her and the infectious disease doctor to go "home." I instantly started having a really bad panic attack and told her I'm not ready, I'm not healed yet, which is true. My wounds are still seeping- I just checked them when I took a bath and saw fresh blood and pus on the bandages, which must be why it itches so badly. I'd honestly be surprised if I didn't end up with another infection if I stayed here because they have only changed the dressings ONCE during the entire week I've been here. That's so fucking disgusting and unsanitary. Anyway, she said I can leave tomorrow instead. It feels more like they're kicking me out for insurance reasons and won't tell me about it. Like yeah you were here for a week now get out we're done trying to fix you... Today ended up being really busy for the staff anyway... My nurse left early and after that nothing got done. They just now gave me a new gown and things to wash up and changed my linens and it's 10pm. Why even bother at that point? I already took my night meds an hour ago and should have been asleep. Of course they're not knocking me out again... Ugh.

The nurse who gave me my meds walked in on me crying. I don't know if she's just not paid enough to care or thought it was just from the pain. It was partially from the pain, but mostly because of how shitty someone else made me feel about myself and my body. I can't get close to anyone or let anyone in because this is what happens. I'll become interested in someone and have a hard time knowing if they feel the same way. Turns out it was just to feed off of my positive attention. If I wasn't as far away as I am my body would probably be used because they boldly flat out asked me about having sex with them, though said if someone more attractive came around I would just be thrown away like garbage for that person instead.

I find this absolutely disgusting as someone who gets attached to and forms bonds with the people I like. ...is that abnormal? Maybe not for a sex/porn addict, I guess. I know from experience how traumatic it is to just be tossed aside for someone else and not actually cared about. I even shared that story with this person where the same thing happened between me and a sadist I met online who dropped me for other people after I didn't give him what he wanted (sexual favors, free art, fics about his characters, etc.) I guess it didn't click.

I kept getting told I would be more attractive if I was more feminine or if I transitioned back to being female... Do things like grow out my hair really long, shave my legs every single day, wear feminine things like a bikini, stuff like that... (as well as being told my stretched ears are gross, even though I'm never planning to go past a 4g which is still pretty small, and that my tattoo will be ugly when I get older and my piercings are ugly too, and that I'm too thin) ...but I am transgender. Granted I've been a bit on the fence with my identity lately, leaning more towards being nonbinary, but being told these things made my body dysphoria go into hyperdrive. It's sickening. No one should be telling anyone what to do with their own body.

I WAS actually in a very good place with my body image and now I absolutely hate myself and wish I was dead. I feel incredibly ugly because now, even off of testosterone, I grow facial hair and have hairy arms and legs. (I just have a feminine face and voice so I get clocked as female a lot. Also tiddy since I don't bother with binding anymore, just got lazy and said fuck it let them be free)

It took a long time for me to feel comfortable with those changes, build up my confidence, and learn to love myself. After a lot of work my dysphoria went away completely, even with being misgendered I became super chill about it and my friends would get more upset over misgendering me than I would. I haven't even felt any major dysphoria for YEARS until today. It took one person to completely set me back to nothing. Now I'm back to being uncomfortable in my own skin. I never asked to be born... I was made this way... Why was I made wrong and broken?

Anyway, not sure if this will be my last post or not because of this. I guess I would need to go back to journaling in a notebook, but that's hard on my hands. I really appreciated the feedback from others, so maybe I'll find some other community to post in... Oh well. If anyone has suggestions I'll check them out.

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And now I'm all up on ya, what you expect?

But you're not coming home with me tonight

You just want attention, you don't want my heart