May 4, 2021

Unwelcome

Damn it I had a whole post written up elsewhere that got deleted again. I think it's something with my phone... Anyway I was really irritated earlier in the day. I realized that I managed to sleep through having my vitals taken and blood drawn, which on one hand is good because I don't like needles, but on the other it feels like a complete violation to remove my bodily fluids while I'm unconscious. I woke up with a new gauze and tape pad on my arm and just seeing that it was done kind of upset me. This whole day was upsetting honestly and ended up with me crying and writing everything out like this...

I did get some good news- I messaged someone that I recognized from the local LGBTQ+ group who had posted an ad for 3 available bedrooms available on July 1st. I'd still be homeless for a while, but that seems like an actual viable option. It's well within my price range and not too far outside of the area where I want to stay for my doctors and such. There was another place that popped up actually in the city for about the same price, but by the time I had typed up my usual spiel the listing was removed. It was only up for 2 hours. That's how hard it is to find a place to live around here. I really hope that this one place works out because it's my last hope, but I'm worried about needing to show the landlord my social security card which I dont have. I hope it's not necessary.

I also got mad at Tony today (that was the post that got deleted) because I mentioned to him that I would be going home tomorrow and that I was only going to him about it because he's the only one I trust. I don't trust anyone in the group chat and I'm afraid they'll attack me. He responded by saying that the time Glitch DID attack me (while on acid, backing me into a corner, blocking the only exit, and screaming at me) that her actions were justified because he said I provoked her to attack me. All I did was move her stuff neatly into a bag and tell her to come get it whenever because I wanted her out of my room and I was going to bed because it was 5am. He said I was "holding her stuff hostage" ...bruh it was literally IN MY ROOM ALREADY. If anything, I was the one provoked into doing something that was seen, for some reason, as a hostile act because I was so mad that she had lied to me twice and decided to drop acid with Jena and ignore me instead. Apparently that makes me just like her ex wife somehow. I really wanna ask that bitch right before I leave what is it about her that makes people want to hang themselves like her wife and brother did, and then me.

But Tony took her side this time and I'm seriously considering cutting him out of my life for it. What she did was extremely triggering for me and brought back flashbacks of when my ex would do exactly what she did before he raped or assaulted me. I now have flashbacks and night terrors of her doing this to me too. Glitch is now partially responsible for my C-PTSD. She also holds a position of power over me, being so involved in the local LGBTQ+ coalition... that makes it not a safe space for me anymore because if she's there I don't feel safe, thus defeating the purpose of having those safe spaces if dangerous people are running them. She's an incredibly unstable individual and really needs to stop dropping acid (it can make people very paranoid and aggressive) and go spend some time getting help for herself at a behavioral hospital like I chose to do. But no, in Tony's eyes she had the right to purposely trigger me, causing me to self harm and go back to the behavioral hospital myself. That's absolutely fucked. I personally don't think anyone has the right to trigger someone on purpose and yes she knew she was hitting those three triggers, it was fully intentional.

Tony made it up to me though ...I guess... Though probably not really for that reason. I don't actually know why he decided to suddenly start being nice to me after that when I clearly ended the conversation not wanting to talk to him anymore. He messaged me saying he's taking the last of my donations to work (2 full garbage bags and 2 full boxes of books). He also messaged me saying he did my laundry like I had asked days ago, which I thought he wasn't going to do because he responded with "I'll think about it." This is the first time I've seen that turn into a yes.

He asked when I'll be home and the best estimate I have is "sometime before noon," but since were running on Hospital Standard Time where 1 hour quickly turns into 5, I don't know for sure. He said Jena will be out on the porch, so I shouldn't be locked out. But yeah... That was totally sprung on me today. The medical doctor came in and said that since they stopped the IV antibiotics I'm cleared by her and the infectious disease doctor to go "home." I instantly started having a really bad panic attack and told her I'm not ready, I'm not healed yet, which is true. My wounds are still seeping- I just checked them when I took a bath and saw fresh blood and pus on the bandages, which must be why it itches so badly. I'd honestly be surprised if I didn't end up with another infection if I stayed here because they have only changed the dressings ONCE during the entire week I've been here. That's so fucking disgusting and unsanitary. Anyway, she said I can leave tomorrow instead. It feels more like they're kicking me out for insurance reasons and won't tell me about it. Like yeah you were here for a week now get out we're done trying to fix you... Today ended up being really busy for the staff anyway... My nurse left early and after that nothing got done. They just now gave me a new gown and things to wash up and changed my linens and it's 10pm. Why even bother at that point? I already took my night meds an hour ago and should have been asleep. Of course they're not knocking me out again... Ugh.

The nurse who gave me my meds walked in on me crying. I don't know if she's just not paid enough to care or thought it was just from the pain. It was partially from the pain, but mostly because of how shitty someone else made me feel about myself and my body. I can't get close to anyone or let anyone in because this is what happens. I'll become interested in someone and have a hard time knowing if they feel the same way. Turns out it was just to feed off of my positive attention. If I wasn't as far away as I am my body would probably be used because they boldly flat out asked me about having sex with them, though said if someone more attractive came around I would just be thrown away like garbage for that person instead.

I find this absolutely disgusting as someone who gets attached to and forms bonds with the people I like. ...is that abnormal? Maybe not for a sex/porn addict, I guess. I know from experience how traumatic it is to just be tossed aside for someone else and not actually cared about. I even shared that story with this person where the same thing happened between me and a sadist I met online who dropped me for other people after I didn't give him what he wanted (sexual favors, free art, fics about his characters, etc.) I guess it didn't click.

I kept getting told I would be more attractive if I was more feminine or if I transitioned back to being female... Do things like grow out my hair really long, shave my legs every single day, wear feminine things like a bikini, stuff like that... (as well as being told my stretched ears are gross, even though I'm never planning to go past a 4g which is still pretty small, and that my tattoo will be ugly when I get older and my piercings are ugly too, and that I'm too thin) ...but I am transgender. Granted I've been a bit on the fence with my identity lately, leaning more towards being nonbinary, but being told these things made my body dysphoria go into hyperdrive. It's sickening. No one should be telling anyone what to do with their own body.

I WAS actually in a very good place with my body image and now I absolutely hate myself and wish I was dead. I feel incredibly ugly because now, even off of testosterone, I grow facial hair and have hairy arms and legs. (I just have a feminine face and voice so I get clocked as female a lot. Also tiddy since I don't bother with binding anymore, just got lazy and said fuck it let them be free)

It took a long time for me to feel comfortable with those changes, build up my confidence, and learn to love myself. After a lot of work my dysphoria went away completely, even with being misgendered I became super chill about it and my friends would get more upset over misgendering me than I would. I haven't even felt any major dysphoria for YEARS until today. It took one person to completely set me back to nothing. Now I'm back to being uncomfortable in my own skin. I never asked to be born... I was made this way... Why was I made wrong and broken?

Anyway, not sure if this will be my last post or not because of this. I guess I would need to go back to journaling in a notebook, but that's hard on my hands. I really appreciated the feedback from others, so maybe I'll find some other community to post in... Oh well. If anyone has suggestions I'll check them out.

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And now I'm all up on ya, what you expect?

But you're not coming home with me tonight

You just want attention, you don't want my heart

Written by iyazo

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Comments
JustMegawatt
Posted On May 05, 2021

At least laundry for you guys is easy, it takes me an hour or more handwashing everything with soap, rinsing, and hanging out to dry.

We can talk about our conversation more if you like.

I don't think I deliberately asked you for sex, you started flirting with me a lot and I even said "I'm fine with being open, but I'm not that turned on atm", that I wasn't turned on atm, but you kept flirting. So I asked "also you'd be ok with having sex with me right? jw lol" as a curious question because I was curious at your intent and I wasn't feeling attractive about myself. I was wondering mainly about myself too, if anyone would have sex with me in my current state.

Anyway we kept on talking about other things such as sexual preference, and I just told you mine, that I liked more feminine features than masculine ones. I wasn't demanding for you to change your body, but if you did get more feminine features like growing your hair out or shaving your legs, I'd be more turned on. Was that such a bad thing to say?

Anyway I like having personal connections, I feel like we did get close. I feel like you interpreted everything negatively when I had no malice at all. I'm only wishing the best for you.

Please don't leave :(

JustMegawatt
Posted On May 05, 2021

Maybe I am just a selfish guy, I suck. People tell me bad things all the time about me but I don't take it personally. My parents tell me I'll be single for life, they might be right.

iyazo
Posted On May 06, 2021

@JustMegawatt I specifically did not make this a callout post, but if you're open about the things you said to me that's fine.

It did come across as you just asking if I would have sex with you and I had no idea what you were thinking and was very surprised when you asked. So now I understand why, I guess. I don't really flirt to turn people on, unless I'm into them and actively pursuing a relationship or something. I'm just like this. I'm very open about my sexuality. The last few places I've lived have been very sex positive, as I live with and know a lot of sex workers. Even have been an escort myself for a while. In general the places I occupy tend to be that way, like the furry community and the LGBT community.

I know you said in the beginning that you weren't attracted to me... but then you said my pics looked good and kept going through them and saying what you found attractive about them. I never said you demanded that I change, but I felt very pressured and the more you said the more it dug into me that I'm undesirable and should change because you said it would make you more turned on. So between that and asking about sex you can see why I was confused and thought you were interested in me. So yeah, it was a bad thing to say. You made me feel like absolute garbage about myself so you could feel better about yourself...yeah, that's shitty and selfish. I tried making a point that it's wrong to body shame anyone or tell anyone what they should do with their body and your response was for me to tell you what to do with yours like that somehow made it better, but I don't do that to people.

I also like having personal connections, which is why I like journaling online for feedback and input but I may have to look elsewhere.

You just don't want me to leave because it's your site and I'm one of the most active people here, not because we're friends.

Imo maybe you should start taking what people say personally/seriously and work on yourself. Otherwise yeah, your parents might be right, honestly. What are their reasons for saying so?

I wouldn't have sex with you because of your personality. There's more than just what's on the surface to me and you about as deep as a puddle fam

JustMegawatt
Posted On May 06, 2021

@iyazo I think you shouldn't take what anyone says personally, no one should be able to make you feel sad at all. Don't take personally what other people say or interpret it negatively.

I'm going try and avoid making any personal or appearance related comments in the future.

"Imo maybe you should start taking what people say personally/seriously and work on yourself. Otherwise yeah, your parents might be right, honestly. What are their reasons for saying so?"

Lots of reasons, we have lots of arguments about it. Anytime anything negative comes up, like if I don't clean my room or don't take a shower for a week, they'll be like "no one will be able to put up with you." But personally, they also argue often with each other and say similar things to each other lol. I've heard other relationships were like that. I think when there's no tension, people will make it. There is always something to cry about even when there are no problems.

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