"Home"

It deleted my entry. Again. Great. Love that.

Where do I even start with today...

I've been very tired since I was woken up at 6am and struggled to get back to sleep only to be repeatedly woken up ...but it's a hospital, that happens. Had to get up and bathe anyway and I did not anticipate how much pain that would put me in and wear me out, even with some help. I mean I know I'm still going to be recovering for a few weeks but oh man...

I was being released from the hospital, so I had to get everything packed away and ready. I realized I didn't put a change of clothes in my bag so they gave me "jammies" to wear. They're just plain thin blue linen clothes. They're kind of like scrubs. I ended up keeping them on all day even though it was cold. I sent a message out that I would be coming back and Tony informed me that Jena told him to tell me that they were going out and I was not allowed in and their kid was not allowed to let me in. I'm still absolutely reeling over that one. I googled it and uh... yeah that's illegal. I pay to live here. Landlords can not legally lock a tenant out for any reason. I told Tony about this and he sent a .gif with a 😬 kind of face and said I should just post in the group chat because he was at work and only on break.

I'm at my breaking point with him. I can't stay friends with someone who supports what Glitch and Jena did and are continuing to do to me. He says he feels torn but like... bitch??? Do you not see what's happening here???

But yeah, that did not go over well. I said "I'm respecting your rules by asking the hospital to hold me until 2pm, but what you're doing is illegal" and posted the screenshot. I didn't make any threats. I was completely compliant. And of course out of nowhere fucking Glitch starts attacking me, which is exactly why I told Tony I was only messaging him, because I was afraid of that happening. She has absolutely no right to even speak to me after the permanent trauma she caused me. She doesn't even live here. And I also found out that Glitch and Jena broke up, so hopefully I'll never have to see her ugly face again.

I laughed so fucking hard when Jena started on about "you upset my now ex girlfriend" like boo-hoo go fuckin cry about it, y'all can't even get along with each other you're that terrible at communicating... It's fucking hilarious that they broke up. I like when bad things happen to bad people who treat me horribly, their suffering brings me joy because of all the pain and suffering they put ME through. They absolutely deserve whatever bad karma they get. Ah, Schadenfreude...

Eventually I just told Glitch to shut the fuck up because I wasn't even starting or engaging in any kind of confrontation. I'm too sick and too tired to give a shit about her wanting to hear herself talk, basically. Her response was something like "watch your step, the fall from grace is a doozy" and I instantly replied "you would know." Surprisingly, she laugh reacted to it. I assume in a condescending way, but really... she would fucking know. And if the psychotic rampage she went on in my room and the recent breakup are any indication, it looks like I hit a sore spot. Good. She actually shut the fuck up after that for once.

Then of course Jena had to say something and went completely off the rails and it was all ableist as fuck. Pot, meet kettle. Everything they've claimed I've done has actually been what THEY do to ME, like claiming I'm ableist because I accidentally left some muffins in front of the microwave, and here we are several months later and that's still reason number 1 as to why I'm being kicked out. They're 37 and act like an absolute child.

They said the reason I'm not being let into the house is because I'M the unstable one, using the fact that I chose to go to in patient treatment twice when I needed the help and am thinking of going back (BECAUSE OF THEM) as an excuse. So they say things like "go get help" and then when I do it's held against me? Where's the logic there? What a fucking ableist piece of shit. They knew before I moved here that's where I was coming from. We actually made the agreement for me to move in over the phone while I was at the behavioral hospital. 

I wasn't allowed back into the space I'm still paying for... I can't get over that. What is wrong with this person?! I'm literally being released from the hospital after a serious illness and several surgeries and I have to fucking wait outside of my house until they decide to let me in.

Am I wrong here or is this fucked up??

They're also using the excuse of saying I "bullied" their kid?? What the actual hell??? (The night I came home late because I NEED to stay on my medication and had to go get it Jed literally told me to "fuck off and go away," which of course they don't believe, because of course the kid isn't going to admit it and get himself in trouble, I don't blame him for that) So because of that "incident" they're afraid that I'm going to have a psychotic breakdown and hurt them or their kids which is a HUGE FUCKING LEAP and also still very ableist.

They were bitching and moaning about how terrified they are of me that they sleep with their door locked at night. Meanwhile my door doesn't even have a lock and I swear every now and then Jed kicks it open for no reason... He has anger issues and is constantly slamming doors and things. Speaking of which, one of the cats got in my room so I know it was just done.

But yeah, the kid is unhinged too. 14 and already under fire a few months ago because HE TRIED TO RAPE SOMEONE IN THEIR SLEEP. MORE THAN ONCE. YEAH. Luckily he was caught in the act by someone. So I wish I could fucking lock MY door, as someone with a history of that kind of trauma, because I have to worry that their sexual predator of a child doesn't get anywhere near me. The reason Jed isn't allowed to let anyone in without Jena being home is because people started sending threats that Jena needed to control and actually parent her child, that he should to be locked up or institutionalized, that they were going to fight them in court, and at the very least apologize for the trauma he caused that woman (which I'm sure he didn't because this family is all ~uwu innocent widdle angels who never have done anything wrong~). And of course the punk ideology: Kill Your Local Rapist. So yeah, I have to pay for problems and drama their own family caused by waiting outside my own fucking house because someone supposedly called a hit on him and he would have gotten what he deserved. I bet that's a massive lie though because nothing Glitch says is ever true and Jena is so paranoid and delusional that the world revolves around them only, nevermind the actual victim...

I have never hurt anyone nor would I ever, unless I was hurt first. Yeah I don't think I'm the only one a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs here... 🙄 what a clusterfuck of paranoid delusions. At least I get the help I need when I know I need it and don't bottle it all up and make it everyone else's problem like Jena does. I hope the new tenant doesn't have any kind of mental health issues, for their own sake...

The good news is I'm still in contact with Zoey, the woman I'm discussing renting a room from. I explained that I'm going through a rough time and I may end up back in the behavioral hospital because I don't feel safe here. We exchanged phone numbers so I don't lose contact. Today she sent me a little more info about the 3 available rooms. If I have a choice, I'm obviously going for the largest, which has pink walls and two windows. I still need to figure out what to do until July 1st though. The case manager at the hospital gave me a list of low cost motels which may have weekly rates. I need to call around and ask when I have the time.

Right now I have no time. As soon as I got in I got to work cleaning my room which Tony made a mess of when removing my bedding, making my bed with his help (done wrong, so I had to do it again by myself. I got too tired to fix it all the way so as long as the sheet doesnt fly off I don't care), and organizing and taking my meds and so on. I need to look at the paperwork for what appointments I have or need to schedule and in what timeframe. Everything I'm doing right now is very time sensitive. I need to reserve a uhaul for the 7th and 8th and have Brett come pick it up once he's done work so we can start loading some stuff early. I also need to go around to storage units in the area and look for a cheap 10x10 that does automatic payments and lease it out.

I'm a little concerned that my cousin has been ignoring my messages asking about specifics for moving day. I really wish she would just give me my uncle's number because she said she might not even be able to help and I need at least one other person to help Brett because I can't do ANY lifting since I just had 3 surgeries between both of my arms.

I need to make an appointment for the stitches to be removed in a few days, but my recovery time is still 3 weeks at least. Also not looking forward to telling Jena that on Friday at 11:30 someone will be making a house call to follow up with me and I think give me another IV or some kind of injection, but I'm not entirely sure. It's a bit weird that they have to come here, I didn't know doctors made house calls anymore, but it is what it is. It's one less uber I'll have to pay for. I have so many other appointments that are going to eat up a huge chunk of money...

Oh, I need to remember to schedule a therapy appointment too since I'm out of the hospital now. At least that's through telehealth. At least I'll have a lot to talk about, for sure... I also need to see my regular doctor, someone from paramedicine (that might be the house call one? The paperwork isn't very clear), an infectious disease specialist, and an orthopedic specialist. God I hope my insurance will cover all of these specialists... That's a fuck ton of appointments. Ah, and I have my second vaccination on the 12th, if I make it that long... That's another problem with having to schedule anything. If I get thrown back into crisis mode or if my family really insists I go back to the behavioral hospital, I might not be able to make it to any of these appointments which were all stressed to me as being very important when I tried to explain that I'm facing homelessness and might not be able to make it.

More good news though: my packages arrived. I ordered some things in case I need to be out on the street and can't get into a shelter. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I got a spare pair of headphones, some cool cheap slides to wear at the hospital that say "lazy days" on them, a phone charger, new silicone plugs for my ears since one of my only pair tore a while back, and a small keychain thing of pepper spray with uv dye. I have to return a few things, sadly. I got a very small and nice water purification kit, the kind where you can basically drink any dirty water and it'll be clean, but I can't open the lid to clean the filter if that ever needed doing, so it's useless to me. The other item was the one I was most looking forward to- a new knife. I thought it would be super useful because it has things like a can opener, bottle opener, pliers, wire cutters, a mini screwdriver set, and other things. It even came in a really nice case I could put on a belt. Less to carry in my bag... but the thing is SO damn heavy. It has to weigh at least 2 pounds on its own, if not more, and I wish I was joking. It's far too heavy for my liking. On top of that, I can't get some of the pieces to fold out, so again, useless to me. Better to send those things back and just get a cheaper basic survival knife because all of the little things add up in weight and if I need to carry everything with me everywhere it's going to be too much.

I also got a package from Kat. She sent me different medical supplies for my wounds since she works at a pharmacy. Gauze sponges (somehow in EXACTLY the two sizes I needed), foam pads, medical tape, self-adhering wraps in 2 widths, butterfly closures, and some neosporin spray which I can probably hook to my keychain. Basically everything that I needed. And a tiny plush labradoodle puppy which I've been using as an anxiety stim toy because it fits perfectly in my hand, the texture of the fur is really soft, and I can squeeze the beans and fluff inside which is an oddly comforting feeling.

Everything else I needed I got from the hospital. I was able to pay their pharmacy over the phone and have them bring my scripts up to me before I left. They also gave me a few self-adhering foam and silicone bandages. It's a lot better than the bulky layers of gauze and padding and those long wraps I had on post-op, they're less comfortable for sleeping, but they also don't make my entire arms itch since they're like big thick bandages. I was told NOT to clean my wounds and just keep these on all the time unless they get wet or oozed on and need to be changed. Actually it's in my orders that I'm not allowed to shower at all... I guess it's still sink baths for me for now. That sucks. Kat said she would send me some dry shampoo to use. It's not great, but I can't wash my hair otherwise without getting my arms wet too.

I was too tired to eat breakfast this morning and too nervous to eat lunch and now I'm too nervous to eat anything at all because I'm back here again. I was doing so well in the hospital... At least I got to take the nutrition drinks they sent for me as a suppliment, so I can have those whenever I feel up to it and it shouldn't bother my stomach much. I should be less afraid of walking around the house because I now know that Jena is as afraid of me as I am of them, and that gives me power. All I need to do is carry my self defense stuff around and they can't do shit about it if I want to go downstairs and heat up something to eat. If they do try and start shit and fucking fight me they'll get pepper sprayed in the face. I think just the threatening vibe of me carrying a pocket knife or something around the house for my own safety would deter them from coming near me. At least I'd hope so. Pff... what are they gonna do, kick me out? Ha... It's perfectly legal for me to openly carry a weapon in my own home for self defense.

Ugh. Not sleeping and then doing all that work is catching up to me. My whole body is sore from not moving for a while. They actually had to give me injections in the stomach to prevent blood clots since I was there for a week. I counted and I was stuck with needles exactly 20 times in the span of 7 days. I did a little freestyle simple yoga for a few minutes earlier for a break and eeeeverything cracked. Felt good. My arms hurt terribly this morning, but now even after doing all of that work... still not too much pain. I didn't even have to take my tramadol, just some ibuprofen and tylenol. I can save the good stuff for when I really need it. Or if I end up not actually needing it, I could either use as much as I want and have a great time or make some quick cash.

I can't believe I stayed up all night though. Now it's about 6:30am, May 6th. I've been awake for over 24 hours now. This time crunch is really going to kill me, but I know as soon as I'm out I'm gonna be zonked for a solid 12-15 hours at least. I know my body well. I just needed to get all this shit off my chest. I'm so fucking tired emotionally and physically...