May 13, 2021

Unraveled

tw: suicide

Edit: Wasn't gonna make this its own post but then it got long so ehh... (as written on 5/15, just after midnight, so excuse any errors I may have overlooked correcting).

Today was hell. It's like everything snuck up behind me all at once and whacked me in the back of the head with a metal chair... Actually that might have been preferable. It's the day after my second vaccine dose and damn did that one suck a whole hell of a lot more than the first. It took me out for the whole day. I essentially felt like I had a bug or the flu. I couldn't keep any medicine down and could barely keep water down, I was sore all over, chills, sweating, fever, the works. Luckily it only lasted a day. My arm is still sore but what are ya gonna do?

At night it was just me and Glitch and Jena in the house, so I kept myself barricaded in my room, but the sheer amount of paranoia and stress it caused me for them to be lurking around me like sharks really started to get to me the longer I stayed awake and I started doing some, looking back on it now, really bizarre things... First of all, I got really intense about planning my suicide because I'm fairly convinced that that's exactly what Jena and Glitch actually WANT me to do and have trying to manipulate me into doing since this all started, in all seriousness. I narrowed down a list of rather nice hotels, which I would plan on renting for only a day or two. I planned my route to pick up the remaining supplies that I would need to commit said act. The person coming to pick me up on Monday is a welder and could possibly get me a nitrogen tank. If not, helium is surprisingly easy to come by despite its scarcity. I won't divulge any further details than that- only that I've talked to my girlfriend, Kathrine, about it and I promised her that I would give the hospital another try first. My good friend, Lux, on the other hand, is fully supportive of my desire for a relatively humane way to end my life because they understand the chronic illnesses that I struggle with and we both know it does not get better. They said that if that is what I choose to do they will be with me until the very end so that I won't die alone. That really means a lot to me... Not a lot of people I know share my ethics on euthanasia or suicide, where in the event that a person is severely impacted by physical or mental disabilities to the point that they can not lead a happy or comfortable life, I believe that people should have the option to choose to end their own lives. At some point during this, I heard Glitch's voice, and that alone is now a huge trigger for me, so already in the middle of finalizing my plans I felt something somewhere in me just snap, and like I said, I started doing things that I wouldn't normally rationally do. I carved the words "kill yourself" into my wall with a knife before ultimately deciding to scratch it out (it is now an unrecognizable series of pale grey marks on the wall, similar to the rest of this disgusting house, and likely won't be noticed). I took a smoothie that had been sitting in my room for a few days and had separated and became downright nasty and I flung the cup out of my third story window into the front yard below, with the cup itself getting stuck in the gutter. I tried to dislodge it using Glitch's jacket which happens to still be in my room, but only managed to push it out of sight, still in the gutter, which is fine just as long as they can't tell I've been dumping shit out the window. Speaking of which... I have been dumping literal shit out of the window... It's gross I know, but because I feel so unsafe, I do not go downstairs to use the bathroom. Everything gets tossed out of the window on the other side of my room which faces the back yard. General muttering and talking to myself, just to let off steam. Possibly some things I don't even remember doing.

I do remember getting really irritated about having to stop what I was doing at one point because the internet was down for a decent chunk of time. That kind of brought me back down out of it though because all I could do was sit and be angry and do nothing about it, so over that hour or so I eventually calmed back down to a relatively manageable level of distress. After the internet unfucked itself, I just ended up putting on some ASMR video and going to bed.

This is what an episode of psychosis looks like for me and it's extremely uncommon unless someone else triggers me into the state. This is what Jena said they were afraid of happening because their own delusions have them convinced that for some reason I would straight up just murder their family. Not saying that's not what they deserve, because with what they put me through they deserve every awful thing that could possibly happen to them.... It just wouldn't be me. I've never been violent towards other people. Psychosis for me ends up with me doing more damage to myself while I deal with crisis mode than anything else... I have admitted having psychotic episodes like this to my doctor before and he told me that's a label I Do Not want on my permanent record if I want anyone to ever take me or my health seriously. Because psychosis for me is ALWAYS triggered by other people and happens on an average of maybe once a year, it's not significant enough for me to be diagnosed with anything that I don't already deal with and would essentially just be a label that gets in the way, so as of right now it goes untreated. Actually, I only started having psychotic episodes after being put ON an antipsychotic, prior to which I did not have these problems. My doctor told me that the medication caused it as a side effect and now it's another thing I have to live with, even though I discontinued the medicine. Never EVER go on an antipsychotic if you do not already have psychotic symptoms or this could happen. I was put on the medication because nothing else was working for my depression, and while it did work for that, it ended up causing these other permanent problems...

Written by iyazo

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