May 14, 2021

Neverending Illness

Tw: last 3 images are medical with the last 2 being of my stitches from surgery for bursitis and MRSA.

I felt a lot better than I did yesterday and last night when I woke up today. I managed to get a decent amount of sleep and woke up sweating... It was nearing 75F outside, so up in my room it was much hotter. Luckily today I spent mostly outside of the house. I had an appointment with the infectious disease specialists who had met with me while I was in the hospital. They took a look at the progress of my wounds healing. They look "good," but they're not to the point where they should be by now. I'm healing a lot more slowly than expected due to my shitty immune system. Thanks, genetics. So the doctor prescribed me two more additional weeks of bullshit... I mean antibiotics... Now I'm going to be on them until at least the first week of June. Luckily I got the notification from my pharmacy before I left that they were refusing to fill the script because it was "too soon," so they sent it over to the hospital's pharmacy which had no problem with my insurance... Weird, but ok. I really think that with a disease this aggressive, and having as much trouble as I am, they really released me from the hospital WAY too early. I'm sure it was an insurance issue though because they were all but pushing me out the door. Healthcare in this country is such a fucking joke. I know it's worse in other places, but man we really do not raise the standards by much, do we? It doesn't help that the antibiotics make me super nauseous feeling too, so it's hard to keep food and fluids down, let alone medicine, especially the ones to control pain which tend to be harder on the stomach. Again, thanks genetics. The reflux disease combo is really killin it. So I have to be really careful about my arms because of the pain and potential of tearing the stitches... and I haven't because I'm a fool and carried a bunch of groceries and things around today.

The ride to the appointment cost me a whopping $26 to go one way, being dropped off at the medical building less than 5 miles from where I've been living. It's fucking ridiculous! First I ordered a lyft because even though the time estimates would have had me running late for my appointment, they were only charging about $12 for the same exact trip- I had drivers cancel on me THREE FUCKING TIMES. I seriously thought I was going to miss my appointment, until I sighed and accepted that, yes, I really had to spend nearly $30 to get to this one damn appointment because it was important that I not miss it. I got lucky that uber pulled through and I got there perfectly on time, barely even had to spend any time in the waiting room.

Since I was already out, I only have a few days left, and going anywhere is more expensive on the weekends, I chose to use the rest of the day to run errands and went to a small shopping center about halfway between the medical building and the house. There were a number of places where I wanted to stop in at and they were all here in one place! I had to stop at the UPS Store because I had a couple of things to return to Amazon... The too-heavy knife I used to mark up my wall last night, and one of those water purification things where you can drink from basically anywhere. I thought they would be handy because... multitool and water.... but they aren't very useful if they're too difficult for me to use, unfortunately. Can't get the cap off the water thing for if I would ever need to clean out the filter, or open some of the parts of the multitool, because of arthritis. I never did get a chance to get another knife, either. Oh well. That's probably a good thing, if I'm being honest, with how low my mood has been lately.

The second place that I stopped at was Subway. I hadn't eaten at all yet and was finally starting to feel it. Guess I went in at the right time. I was the only person in there when I entered and by the time I had my food and sat down, there was a whole line. This is the first time I've eaten out in a restaurant since before all this covid shit began! I can actually remember the last time, too- it was on Christmas. My family and I would have eaten indoors at Five Guys recently, but the place was way too crowded to feel safe. I have a very specific order that I always get at Subway, but I feel like literally anyone who has ever worked food service always make up super weird orders lol so mine's probably not as bad as I think even though I order off-menu. I took my time and really enjoyed my meal. I really need to gain weight again. With bulky clothing and all of the heavy junk in my pockets (I had brought my hoodie along as a security item, plus my phone and both vapes) I only weighed in at 103lbs. (with a BMI of 18.9 which is the low end of normal, almost at underweight). That's even lower than when I was in the hospital... I'm getting closer to my old weight when I really struggled with body dysmorphic disorder (which is what I have, NOT anorexia, unless you view it as purely "stress based anorexia" which I'm not sure is a thing). I still struggle with it and it's hard for me to accept my size (too small, not muscular enough) and what I look like. That was on my mind a lot today. Especially since the third place I went was somewhere to get my hair cut.

I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted done when I went in, but I had a good 45 minutes or so to think about it and had some ideas. I liked the fact that my mohawk had gotten long enough to cover the left side of my head, and I could pull it all back into a small ponytail if I wanted. On the other hand, my hair (and nails) grow super fast, so I never have to worry about going too short. My hair is deceptively thick as hell and can grow around an inch per month at the fastest (about twice as fast as the average person, if you're curious), and quite honestly I'm really sick of people calling me "she." I have no problem with people seeing me as a more feminine MALE or gender neutral person, but I draw the line at being called "she." I felt a little better about myself before even getting my hair cut because everyone else getting their hair cut was also male, and a father walked in with his young son who said something along the lines of "It's his turn, and then his turn, and then my turn!" I'm glad I got the younger stylist who was working because she seemed to understand what I meant when I explained this and helped me to decide what I wanted to do in order to have a more masculine looking haircut. I showed her a picture from when my hair was really short, just a regular boy's haircut, and we kind of went with a mix of the ideas. I took a look at the back of my head and because of how long my hair had grown out, it actually looked a bit weird as a mohawk so I decided to get rid of my beloved mane. It's a little sad, but I don't regret it. I feel a lot lighter and cooler for the summer, plus it really does look better. It felt somehow liberating to have that length sheered off and drop unceremoniously to the floor to be swept away. We also trimmed down the front pretty significantly. I still have a nice swoosh of longer hair on top of my head and it's very nicely layered to bring out the natural waves and gentle curls of my hair. I actually really like it. I feel like the style suits my face well. I guess this is my equivalent of losing my mind and then drastically cutting my hair off, except I went to a regular stylist since I already usually do my hair myself, so the situation is a bit backwards lol

After that I went into a small shop next door which was exactly what it said on the tin- it was The CBD Store. I felt kind of bad because the little boutique was only run by one person who was counselling some older folks on the use of CBD when I suddenly came in. She stopped what she was doing and asked if I knew what I was looking for- I did, actually, and she got it for me, but I still felt rude for interrupting. I spent a while looking at the different gummies that they carried, mulling over the prices, and got to try a peach ring sample. Their brand is a bit more bitter than some others that I've tried, but I'm not really a sweets person, so this is my kind of candy! I ended up going with a bottle of bubblegum vape juice (the reason I went in, originally- I ran out of mine and the manufacturer that sold it is currently closed for the foreseeable future), a small bag of sour worms, and a small bag of assorted hard candies. The lady specifically told me not to mix the tincture with my regular nicotine vape juice, but couldn't give me a reason why (just that she was told to say that), and google couldn't seem to find me a reason to stop doing what I've already been doing either, so I'm gonna keep doing it. I tried one of the cherry candies so far and they do taste a bit bitter and herbal, but not strictly medicinal tasting, and a single one is a fairly low dose of only 10mg CBD... In comparison I have eaten full packs of gummies up to 1200mg at once. Wish I could find those again. Those packs were only $5 at a discount store, but I think they stopped carrying them because people like me would steal them from right in front of the register pffff (yeah like I'm gonna pay a dollar per gummy if I don't gotta? Fuck outta here lol). After last night though I know I need a little extra something to keep me at sane levels of calm, since I haven't been able to vape as much due to nausea (the coughing really gets me).

My last stop was to the big grocery store which was the centerpiece of the strip mall. At the very least I had to get a new bath poof because the other day I found mine in the trash, which I was pissed about. Apparently it was Tony, and he says he didn't use it, but that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense as to why he would throw it away. He said he thought it was his and he had gotten a new one, but still.... I grabbed a couple of other simple food items like the tuna I wanted as well as powerade to keep me better hydrated. I've been very dehydrated lately no matter how much water I drink, which could be due to an electrolyte imbalance caused by long term antibiotic use, so hopefully those help a little. I also got a little eucalyptus aromatherapy roll-on thing. I'm not sure if the hospital will allow me to have it, but there isn't any alcohol in it so theoretically there shouldn't be a problem (read as: they'll probably make up some bs reason why I can't have it like they do with my stuffed animal, who I also plan to bring anyway). After I was done, I took my sweet time waiting for a lyft so that I could get the cheapest ride back I possibly could. I was confused when I looked at the screen because the regular price was struck out and marked as only $3! Only $3 plus a tip to get back to the house!! That's a wild difference. The app didn't say where I had gotten credit from, but I assume it's because I was cancelled on so many times in a row this morning. Either way, that softened the blow of the initial trip a little. I think I spent around $50 getting around today.

While I was waiting, I responded to Tony's messages asking how I'm doing since he knew I had a rough night last night, as well as how my arms are feeling. I'm really on the fuckin fence with this guy, I'll tell ya what... I know he's kind of caught in between friendships and that sucks, especially considering what his friends did and continue to do to me. I figured since I would be leaving here and permabanned from ever returning that I would never be able to see him again and could just ghost him out of my life, but now I'm not so sure... He told me again that he really likes me a lot and I said I like him too. I really do. He's sweet and I know he means well, he's also just a lot younger than I am (He's 22 and I'm 30, don't @ me about liking age gaps lmao, I've also dated people 10 years older than me XD it goes both ways!) and sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn't entirely know what he wants from a relationship, which, to be fair, neither did I at his age. I do like him a lot though. He asked me what I wanted. I said right now I really need to focus on myself and get myself into a stable place physically and mentally, but eventually I would like to take him on an actual date. (I.... I asked him out....?) He's very understanding and supportive of this and said later on if I want to give it a go we can. So I uh.... Kind of sort of have a boyfriend...? I mean not really officially yet, I guess, but uh.... Y-yeah we're just taking things slow for now~

He actually had to come downstairs to let me in because Jena has started locking the fucking porch door as well instead of just the front door. They were asleep on the porch and I didn't want to bother them and interact with them if I didn't have to, so instead I made Tony put on pants and come down lmao He said my hair is really cute, which I'm sure made me blush (and now I have no long hair to hide behind lol) I mean.... dang... HE'S really cute. Being complimented by someone hotter than me is.... whew..... It's a lot.

Once I got inside and went upstairs I realized how exhausted I was. I unpacked the bag I had been carrying around, my groceries, and then ate the other half of my sandwich from earlier. It was at that point I noticed that my fingertips started hurting. I looked and a few of my fingertips had huge white water blisters that had formed. I thought maybe it was a reaction to something on my sandwich, but I was fine earlier and I was eating it just fine.... I thought maybe I had touched something, but the only thing I had touched before they formed was my sandwich. I posted a picture to facebook and my aunt, who is a nurse, said I should go to the doctor AGAIN because she said it looks like the start of hand, foot, and mouth disease... (how can you tell JUST from blisters on the fingertips though??) I looked it up and unfortunately the venn diagram of symptoms I'm having from all of the illnesses I already currently know that I have and that is just a big fuckin circle. The only new symptom is the finger blisters, which I immediately drained of fluid because of the pain it was causing and then covered them up. My doctor is closed on the weekends and my last day here is Monday, and I already have an appointment at 1 that day to potentially have my stitches removed. God PLEASE don't give me another new illness that I picked up somewhere.... At least if it's that, that means it's a virus and it will eventually go away on its own, but with how shot my immune system is right now that could take a while, especially if it ends up being something worse. Who knows, I may end up back in the medical hospital before I go back to the behavioral hospital... Sadly, that's looking like a possibility. I guess I'll have to see how the next few days go. Still keeping a steady temperature of 99.3F+ even with medication meant to help reduce fevers... The doctor was like "Well as long as it's not over 101" and I'm sitting there thinking uhhhh..... how big of a difference does 1.7 degrees really make?? Especially if it's potentially already being lowered by medication.

Ugh. I'm so sick of being sick. I'm legitimately starting to wonder if all of these lyfts and ubers are where I'm picking up all of these contagious diseases.... That's kind of disgusting.

Pictures of stuff soon. Idk if I'm gonna pass out after this immediately or not yet because it's 5am and I hear birds and it's ALREADY SO HOT. It's going to be in the 80s later this week and my body has NOT adjusted to it not being cold anymore yet. I normally like hot weather, but not when I feel sick and like I'm already burning up.


🎵 There's no reason that this life can't be 


Written by iyazo

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Posted On May 16, 2021

You look great with that haircut! oof on the blisters though...hope it's not anything serious :|

Posted On May 16, 2021

Wow that was an awesome post, a very descriptive day.

Posted On May 16, 2021

@Achaius Thanks! I was pleasantly surprised with how well it turned out. When I see my orthopedic doctor tomorrow, I'm going to ask them to advise me on whether or not it's serious enough to warrant me going back to the medical hospital. The blisters haven't gotten much worse, luckily. I'm hoping I just touched something and it was an allergic reaction and not something else

@JustMegawatt Thanks! It felt good to keep busy.

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