May 15, 2021


Today I did nothing. Woke up depressed, thinking about my last couple of days here where I can do whatever I want.... and I can't really think of anything I want to do. I mean, what would you do if potentially, hypothetically, you only had a few more days to live? I tried eating a few CBD candies and listening to a meditation or two. I couldn't focus and the dosage CBD wasn't enough to help much. I reveled in the feeling of the back of my head sinking into the soft memory foam mattress for a while. Comfortable beds are a luxury I'm going to miss. The way I tend to pull my blanket over my entire head so only my nose and mouth stick out so I can breathe, feeling the soft plush fabric against my face... My stuffed animal, Mang. The rest of my creature comforts are going to be packed away into storage on Monday morning. I'll probably start packing up my food and any other items I have into a box tonight or tomorrow. Brett is coming around noon on Monday, we're going to pack up, and then I'm going to my appointment, the storage unit, and never coming back.

I finally broke down and took one of the remaining tramadol pills because even doing nothing today, I was in so much pain from over-exerting myself yesterday. My left elbow, the one that actually looks better, is the one causing the most trouble, though I've been getting pains that shoot up and down my arms again like when I still had the infection in the hospital. It makes flexing my fingers and hands a weird and uncomfortable feeling. The blistering on my fingertips doesn't look much worse than yesterday. Looks like I'm getting another yeast infection though... Gross. My whole body's chemistry is being totally fucked by these antibiotics. With all of these issues going on I'm wondering if I should go back to the regular hospital before I go to the behavioral hospital... For one thing it would buy me some time. I'm not sure what good that will do. I haven't heard from Zoey since I sent over all of my information on the rental application... That's really worrying. I could have my identity stolen. I should have probably only signed the documents in person, but I've been in such a rush to get out of here in any way possible that I wasn't thinking. So I don't even know if I'm waiting for anything anymore. It really feels like I've just reached the end. I don't see a way forward.

There was a message in the house group chat this morning from Jena finally addressing the fact that they wanted me to apologize to their son, which I said I would do... two months ago. That is until they said I specifically have to write him a letter, and every little detail (mostly blatant lies) that she wanted me to feed him. I'm not saying anything until after I leave, but I refuse to do it. If they want a sincere apology I give it from the heart, not through some pre-dictated bullshit letter that paints me as some kind of lunatic that they see me as. Now they're trying to say that Jaysin was IN the house with me, which he was not. He went and waited in his car. As much as I admit it was a mistake to bring him, I still needed my medication and that's not something I should have to apologize for. Jed let me in of his own accord once he realized it was me and not some stranger. If he was afraid of me he would fucking act like it. The kid's not scared of me. At least not as afraid of me as I am of him. As much as I would have liked to apologize to him for showing up in the middle of the night, this is an incident that now happened months ago and was never correctly addressed by Jena. They're saying I showed up unannounced when I posted in the group chat that I was on my way, and later that I would really appreciate if their kid would not tell me to "fuck off and go away." Guess which message got an instant response. If anything the fucking brat should apologize to ME. Jena can go fuck themselves and if they say anything, I'll tell them as much. Hah. What are they gonna do, kick me out and tell me not to come back? Cry about it? I don't give a shit. I'm leaving these terrible people behind me for good. You can bet your sweet ass I'm calling children and youth services and telling them where Jena's drugs are too because I know they have acid right now and an opioid addict always has their opiates... They can fuck alllllllllllllllllllll the way off with this shit. They wanna say I don't care about them and their kids? Well I'll make sure the kids are taken care of, then. Maybe if someone intervenes, Jed won't end up becoming a serial killer- he's already displayed his aggressive and sociopathic tendencies, so it would not surprise me if I later found him on the news... Just saying. I watch a decent amount of true crime stuff and there's a lot of those backstories that remind me of these kids. It's honestly sad.

So today I tried to take it easy on my body so I don't aggravate anything even more. Tomorrow I'm going to have to be brave and go all the way downstairs to do laundry... It's the last time I can do it, even if the stuff goes into storage, I might as well. There's no guarantee that wherever I end up it'll be free or cheap. While I'm down there maybe I should try and figure out how I'm going to reacquire my food processor and the keurig which now belongs to me as far as I'm concerned, since mine grew legs and ran away to Glitch's house... I should still have some food of my own down there- berries which may still be good, ice cream, canned goods...I can just pretend I'm getting that last thing then YOINK. No one gets away with stealing from me.

Why do these people think it's wise to fuck with fae? It has not been bringing them anything put misfortune and bad luck so far... They're not catching on.

Written by iyazo

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