May 19, 2021


In the middle of the night last night they decided to give me an actual bed because they wanted to have an alarm on it so I don't get up. Jokes on them because they keep forgetting to turn the alarm back on, and now I have a regular hospital bed. They eventually turned on the alarm and while waiting over an hour for them to respond to the call bell so I could to go to the bathroom I accidentally peed a little... 😥 so I got up and ran to the (only) bathroom anyway, which is right across the hall from me, feeling like my bladder was going to explode, and tripping the extremely loud alarm (migraine still going 3 days strong), which of course they got mad at me for when they finally came in 20 minutes later to shut it off.

There was someone in the single person bathroom when I knocked who opened the door and told me I could come in??? I wasn't gonna pee in front of some fully tatted half naked guy I don't know (who was just in there on his phone standing in front of the mirror) so I went back to my room and peed in a plastic basin and threw it out... The nurse then got mad at me for setting off the alarm and refused to change my sheets, so I had to sleep in piss (I covered it with a spare pillow). She gave me my klonapin to calm me down because... I guess you could say I was literally pissed. Yet I was the one who had to apologize for getting upset and all she said in a very pissed off tone was "I appreciate that" and then never came back.

Moving on up in the world this morning! I got my medicine WITH my anti-emetic this time so I didn't throw it up for once. Since I also woke up drenched in sweat this nurse changed my linens and gave me clean paper pants and gown (for the first time in 3 days) and also warmed my food up for me because it had gotten cold since no one woke me up for that, which in a sense I am grateful for. I would have just tried to eat it cold like all my other meals so far. I didn't know they could or would heat it up.

The behavioral health person who is working today is actually doing her job, too! She called the behavioral hospital again already this morning and they have no discharges today. My guess is with the 72hr notice policy, I could be at the regular hospital for another 3 days minimum. She also told me we had to do a mental health assessment, which she noticed in my chart they had not done at all since I first arrived. They're supposed to do it every shift change. So they DID forget I was here and dont really care WHY I'm here as long as I'm not causing a fuss. Just drug me up and lay me in front of a tv...

I was buggin a little bit when I woke up because apparently their policy is that I can only keep my 24hr nicotine patch (21mg, the highest dose...) on for 12hrs, which is a stupidass policy... At least I got a new one in the morning. The nurse I had tonight was really nice too and let me keep it on until she left at 11pm (instead of removing it around 9 when I got my night meds). She agreed it was s stupid policy and wasteful since they're 24hr patches.

They brought in my lunch even though I hadn't had a chance to eat my breakfast yet and the staff accidentally spilled my drink... At least it was on the floor this time and not all over me like yesterday. Today I actually had an appetite and didn't throw up. I've wondered if I have a fever though because of how hot I've felt. It's making me all sweaty. I thought hospitals were supposed to be cold, but this place is warm. I also have like 4 blankets and pillows. I built a little nest when I was stuck on that shitty gurney and just moved it over to the new bed when it was swapped (then everything was replaced this morning and I rebuilt it again).

I ended up sleeping for quite a while today and not that I wanna jinx it, but sitting in the dark for so long my migraine seems to have finally gone away! I flipped through the channels on the little tv and watched Mulan and Forged in Fire. I caught a little bit of Matilda and really wanted to watch the whole movie, but I had things to get done.

My night nurse was cool. She joked about coming to hang out with me and hide from everyone else. She also asked my pronouns first thing, so I felt actually respected as a transgender patient. I think it's great that more cisgendered people are sharing their pronouns and asking mine. That's the way to be a good ally. She also let me have my tramadol even though my pain wasn't super extreme like it was earlier in the day from moving my arms too much, mostly moving blankets and things around. Even that tires me out. She said "let's just say your pain level is a 6 for now" and gave me all of my night meds. This was the first day in weeks that I haven't thrown up or dry heaved at all. I actually felt pretty ok, other than feeling weak and depressed. I still don't think it has fully hit me that I'm out on the streets homeless because right now I'm in here. I could be here for a while so it's best to only think about what I'm doing in the present moment. I feel a lot more stable not being trapped living with Jena and Glitch (even though Glitch didn't live there she was there like 5 days a week... and locks her poor husky in a crate the entire time. She should not have a dog, especially one so high energy). I haven't heard anything from Tony or anyone though really... It gets lonely in here.

I've gotten a little bit more encouragement online to continue writing and sharing my story. I never really thought it would be interesting to others, just cathartic for myself, but I guess my life is like one big accident you can't look away from... I participated in a fairly long survey on the troubles LGBTQ people face. It was difficult to face writing about those past traumas, but it's for a good cause and there's a chance at winning a $50 giftcard of some kind. I figured I could sure use it. Those are things I'm going to need to write about eventually though.

Anyway... I suppose I should try to sleep some. My arms are sore and I'm exhausted...

Written by iyazo

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