May 20, 2021

Behavioral Hospital Day One

Bare with me as I begin to journal my time spent at the behavioral health hospital as my journal isn't the neatest and has pages pushed in between for each day, so there's a depth to it which can't really be expressed in a digital way... These journal entries have been modified to fit your screen.

"Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." - 1 Corinthians 13:7

Arrived at the hospital in paper scrubs in what was essentially an EMTs version of a police vehicle. It was dehumanizing and humiliating to ride down the main street in town in hospital clothing looking like some kind of criminal... Luckily it was only down the road and by the time we got inside and to the paperwork it was around 3-4pm. The staff refused to let me have my stuffed animal, Mang. I know that for each rule that's in place, it means someone tried to do something with it, so I told them they can check him, fully wash and dry him, and he has no loose or moving parts like eyes or nose... They still wouldn't let me have him, but couldn't give me a soild reason as to why and said that if it helped my anxiety I could talk to the psychologist about it and possibly have an order put in for me to keep him. Yeah, they refused... They also denied me my ambien (insomia), doxycycline (MRSA antibiotic), tramadol (painkillers from surgery), and freaking over the counter benadryl... I had to beg for one ibuprofen, klonopin (anxiety), and vistaril (for pain/arthritis). At least they gave me those. I was in a lot of pain at my surgical sites from moving around a lot and having to carry my belongings so I was really irritable.

I was glad to see at least a few friendly faces because I was on the same unit I was on last time. I spent some time talking to BHA Alex (behavioral health associate, kind of like nurses, but do more floor work and no medical). She was my favorite from last time and I told her about all of the stuff that happened with Jaysin abducting me and all that happened with that as well as the bullshit I've been dealing with the past few months from my last living situation and not being able to find a place. She chastised me gently that she could have told me that going home with him was a bad idea, but was glad that I was able to make my way back to focus on getting better. She confirmed that Jaysin is likely where I ended up getting MRSA in the first place... She said she was pretty sure that he had an active infection. Most people actually carry MRSA in their noses and when it gets into a cut that's when it becomes a problem and even sleeping in the same bed as him could be how I got it. The medical doctor who saw me said that's unlikely, but I think he just didn't want to hear me say that I had picked it up from the hospital...

Alex had promised to bring my belongings up, but it was a busy day and she wasn't there for much longer, so when the night staff came in they refused to bring the items I had specifically written down for Alex. In the meantime they put me in a very poorly fitting sweatshirt since I couldn't keep the hospital scrubs at the behavioral hospital (no strings allowed on anything). The pants they gave me wouldn't even fit over my thighs so I had to keep the paper pants which were fine, just very cold. Finally later in the night they brought me a random assortment of items: my FILA sweatpants, pajama pants, my Coheed and Cambria dragonfly shirt, my chocobo crossing shirt, bodywash, and deodorant. Everything from my toiletries bag was supposed to come down- my shampoo, conditioner, toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, face wash, and moisturizer. They didn't bring me either of my books and fought me on bringing me my journal which had all of my important phone numbers and research in the front because they claimed that it had staples in it and wasn't allowed. I told them it was a journal from here so it shouldn't have anything like that... It didn't occur to them to just.... fucking remove the two staples which were attached to the back not holding anything anymore because it was something of Jaysin's which I had ripped off, which is why I didn't know they were there. Eventually day shift did that but still. Night shift is fucking dumb and lazy and don't like actually working.

This is day 4 without a shower for me because I was Not Allowed- it was "too late" at 11pm when I finally got everything that I needed. I had trouble sleeping until after 2am because they wouldn't give me my sleep meds. I was very hungry though, so I just ate snacks until I felt tired. I can tell I still tossed and turned a lot. I told them taking me off the ambien was a bad idea. Yeah, I'm on a lot of medications, but they all work together in a delicate balance of unfucking my body.

I got mad and ripped off all 3 medical bands that I had. I had to carry the one around for the rest of the time I was at the behavioral hospital since I needed it for vitals and meds. Weird that with how strict they were they let me just carry it rather than forcing me to wear a new one.

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Today

I don't have to fall apart

I don't have to let the damage consume me, my shadow see through me

Fear in itself will reel you in and spit you out

Over and over again

Believe in yourself and you will walk

Fear in itself will use you up and break you down like you were never enough

Yeah I used to fall, now I get back up

Written by iyazo

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