May 22, 2021

Zeroed Out

I slept through breakfast, the two morning groups, and lunch. The trazodone being doubled made me feel drugged and exhausted. The staff all treat me differently now that I self harmed and they're very rude, especially the nurses. I met with a different psychiatrist because mine was out and explained the bad med change and my awful night with the staff. He readded the 3mg of melatonin which won't do much. The medical doctor, Mark, wanted to take me off of the antibiotic my orthopedic surgeon had just put me on an additional two weeks of. He told me not to shower, keep it properly wrapped, and that if it was caused by my dermatilomania caused by anxiety then I should just "get over it." That goes against everything they try to teach people here. You can't just get over anxiety. You learn to cope with it. I can't make it go away and being told that is damaging. I'm in so much pain.

Tentative discharge date: 5/28. I still plan to go to a nice hotel and finish my plan for a humane death on my own terms. No one will care. I'll give my money to my Aunt Patti for chemotherapy and repay my Aunt Dianne the money she gave me to move. Mang would have saved me or my rats or my dog, but I have nothing left. No more options. No way out. I hate people telling me things outside will be better, or that my lie of rating my anxiety and depression as zeroes out of ten then correcting them to be tens was "too drastic." I can't stay homeless and live for a stuffed cartoon horse. It's not enough. I don't want to suffer and be sick anymore and being treated different and everyone doing so much better than me. I just want to die. I deserve the kindness of a humane death, no more suffering and pain, but I have different morals and values that no one understands or seems to agree with.

A guy here name Stephen gave me a pen that works better with my arthritis. He wants me to live so I can join his discord server, but that's selfish and I can't commit to that. I can't even think of any reason to live. Not even BTS. I won't be able to see the comeback for Butter when it's released. I'll never see them live and they'll never even know I exist anyway. They're just millionaires that want more of my money. I'm sick of the state of the world I've been living in. It's just not worth the amount of suffering I have or would go through.

Written by iyazo

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