May 25, 2021

All The Cares I Give

Back on my normal medications, I didn't wake up groggy for once. It's overcast and cloudy again today. What a difference from the 90° days we were having. I didn't eat a ton, but I ate enough- an English muffin and oatmeal. What an amazing feeling it is to be not tired! Or at least not feeling drugged.

I showered and had my bandage changed again. It's almost scarred over now with a big ugly bruise and scar.

During a pros and cons group when talking about quitting a job I shared my experience with Weis and having to quit because I'm transgender and she wrote "standing up for yourself" rather than leaving a toxic work environment like I had said. I feel like no one listens to me. That's a totally different situation.

I pissed off some bitchy patient who took the headphones from me and gave them to someone who has supposedly been here for weeks even though I had only been able to listen to a song and a half between meds, breakfast, and the two back to back morning groups.

Stephen keeps making excuses for misgendering me like I'm beautiful for a boy which is unusual.

I talked to my social worker, Gail, about discharge on Thursday. Things seemed to be going well and on target...

But go figure that fucking bitch Jena shit talked me to my potential new landlord. Unfortunately that means that my application to rent a room in Zoey's house was rejected and going there is no longer an option. I was going to cut ties with Jena, but if she's going to fuck me over, I'm going to fuck her over. Oh, I don't care about the kids? Lemme just call children and youth services and give them all of your info and tell them where your drugs are and when you do them in front of your kids then 🙃

I left a message for Aunt Patti and Diana. Talked to Kat who said she would lie for me as a reference so maybe I can get my own room. I don't know if my therapist or psychiatrist would be able to help or count as references. I don't know if Aunt Patti would help me or if Diana would call CYS or be a reference for me. Maybe Brett or David? I can't have people lie about the same timeline. My prayers go unanswered.

I self-harmed again and have a headache. No more food or water for me. I was caught purging by Nurse Tenisha. The new nurse, Adrienne, is easy to lie to, but her soul hasn't yet been crushed by this job and seems to actually want to help. Jimin's "Lie" comes to mind. I suddenly find myself relating more to him and his character, stuck and abandoned in a mental hospital- I have to lie to escape and finish my plan.

Kat wouldn't say she loved me back for the first time in six years. I have a headache from punching myself in the head. I think I damaged my head... The nurse said I might want to go slow with taking my medications because there are so many and I said nope as I dry swallowed 13 pills at once and went to my room.

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Caught in a lie~

Written by iyazo

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