May 26, 2021

Finding Meaning

When I was woken up for vitals today I had to sit up because my blood pressure was too low and they had to take it again. I'm already dehydrated from limiting water. I skipped dinner last night and breakfast this morning on purpose. Sam called me and I felt ok while talking. I'm glad she had a safe place to go. It's highly unlikely that I'll be out of here tomorrow or Friday because my anxiety and depression have been at 10/10 consistently and they want you to be at a 4 or less for both for at least 3 days in a row. Right now that seems impossible. O wanted to stay in bed all day.

I went to a repeat group of this thing where you write your supports and strengths and stuff like that on different parts of a house... It was stupid so I just pulled out my paper from the last time I was hospitalized. This is my third time doing it.

Speaking of last time, Tom also came back and remembered me. Same thing for him, his problems were still waiting for him outside and he came back to the hospital. That probably doesn't look good for their track record. He said he was worried when I went home with Jaysin too and he had heard from Sam (different Sam) that it was bad, but he didn't have a way to contact me to make sure I was ok.

Another repeat class outside- self-compassion. We just did this one the other day. It's very hot out so I rolled up my pants. Alex said she likes my tattoo.

I asked to have my nails cut and the psych said maybe. It would prevent me from scratching and picking at my skin... Dr. Mark hasn't come by to change my bandage and it slid off painfully when I got out of bed.

If I get out tomorrow I'm going to finish my plan, otherwise I'll be here at least another five days. I didn't bother calling Zoey back.

Kat called and I said that I love her and she said that she loves me too, but I still don't know if she really does...

I doubt I'm going home tomorrow or Friday... Off and on downpours with lightning. I'm in a lot of pain. Laid in bed or in a chair all day because I was very tired. Gave in finally and ate some snacks. Stephen gave me his info in case I'm ever feeling suicidal like this out of here. I think he's afraid that they will release me with nowhere to go. So am I.

I made found poetry in art group, watched a movie I was finally interested in for once, Zootopia (we have disney+ on the unit and people want to watch the same few movies...), Guardians of the Galaxy (again), and some of The Mandolorian.

Another group we were in we had to write letters to our younger selves and all I could do was pull my blanket over my head (which I carried around with me everywhere the whole time I was there since they wouldn't let me have Mang) and I was shaking and crying but I couldn't get up and leave or anything. It's really hard for me to cry so I don't really know where all that came from... I guess I don't deal with my past trauma as well as I think I do and that on top of my current trauma and stressor was way too much.

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The found poetry was based on a random page from a book that were printed out that we were given and told to black out everything except for the words in our poems, so you just read the parts that are left. Mine turned out surprisingly cohesive. It was also based on an archetype card chosen at random (mine was "The Hero") and a quote chosen at random: 

"I embrace my full potential, even if it makes others uncomfortable. I refuse to play small. I am meant to do BIG things."

The Hero

Traumatic memories locked in the body-

Mapped out pathways successfully order the lost.

Find where everything happens.

The necessary secrecy and protection,

Feelings of shame,

What happens under the cover of their body,

Unaware they struggle to have their voice heard

And make their own choices.

Collective social taboos.

We swallow our opinion, our need to censor;

This conflict between individuality keeps us safe,

But it also keeps us small.

The rainbow indicates a push to get away and become heard.

The individual's stance, speaking up and having a say,

Enforcing impulses.

We fear change, dread the consequences of standing out,

We do not want to hurt.

Find a way out.

Which direction do I need to get out? How does it feel to be in charge?

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Don't get too far in your own head when you shout

We'll smile in front of all the things we used to worry about

And I know it may not seem like it, but we figured out

How to live on the run when your heart weighs a ton, yeah

I wrote a letter to my younger self

I hope you read it when you don't feel well

I hope this helps

Written by iyazo

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