June 27, 2021

Hot Damn

Today was long and hot. I'm pretty into the routine now that I've been here for two weeks as of tomorrow. I actually can't believe it's been that long already. I fell asleep really late last night and got out of bed automatically. I don't even recall anyone telling me to get up. I went up to get breakfast and then let it sit at the table while I tried to get back to sleep. I had the comfy chair again today, but for whatever reason, I couldn't get comfortable enough to get back to sleep this morning. Mom's was closed, so I had no plans to go out and buy anything.

After a while I decided to go and take a walk and vape a bit since I'm not allowed to do that on campus. ...though to be honest I do vape in the bathroom when I can get away with it during the day (or at night during shower time because I have a private bathroom because move I'm gay). My THC vape barely lets out anything and my nicotine vape just smells like the juice I put in- Bad Drip's Farley's Gnarly Sauce (watermelon bubblegum I think it's supposed to be? It is very Fruit). I just have to be wary of the cloud and where it goes... I don't even think vapor would set off a fire alarm, but I'd rather not find out. They did kick out that old Polish woman who was smoking actual cigarettes in the shelter and bathroom at night when they lock us in. It was like one of her first days...

The way things happen with people here seems kind of random, but you also need to be a really good self advocate, watch your own back, and just plain don't do stupid shit... I've also heard that crying helps. I'm not kidding, solid advice I've been given is to make sure I cry in front of everyone to make sure I get transferred from the Providence Shelter to the magical land (and slightly more permanent residence) of Upstairs. Cry in front of the pastor, cry in front of your case manager, they'll show you more sympathy if they see you hurtin bad enough. Unlike the hospital where the staff couldn't give a shit if I self harmed...

I had the passing thought of self harm while I was in the bathroom, triggered by the fact that they had safety hand rails that weren't closed off so people can't tie off anything on it... Everything at the hospital was rounded and smoothed and recessed and had buttons rather than handles. It's weird to think about. I was writing an older entry from when I was in the hospital and jeez... It really takes stepping back like that to see just how messed up by everything I was, and acknowledge the fact that I'm still fighting like hell to work my way out of it. I'm not better, but I'm doing my best right now.

Even here... Yeah, it's a shelter, there are case managers, but they're not always here telling people what to do. It strikes me every once in a while that I really can do ANYTHING I want in the world. Maybe because I grew up tossed around by family, in unstable and strict houses where doing anything could be a punishable offense. It's just hard to think that I could go and get on a plane to another city in another state. If I hadn't already changed my name I'd be doing that now somewhere totally new. A bit ironic that's actually what's holding me back from just travelling... Haven't been able to get my name legally changed on some stuff which has just been a huge fucking nightmare.

I'm supposed to be working on getting a copy of my social security card as one of my goals while I'm at the shelter and I haven't looked into that at all yet. Even if I get a card with my dead name at least I'll have it just to have it, I guess. I've been meaning to go to the computer room to see if they have a printer and see if I can get some real typing done, but they're only open during limited hours and closed on weekends. Every time I've wanted to go they've been closed. I might just have to find the library. I've looked it up on the map and it's not a far walk at all and pretty close to some places that I wanted to check out like a store called The Gem Den (though maybe whenever I actually have some money to throw at a small business...) of course it's in one of the bad parts of town, but it's not a long stretch and it's not like I can even go out at odd hours. One of the girls here said she was followed around pretty extensively downtown today though, so I should be careful anyway.

On one of my walks today I finally went around to the back side of the building. I had only walked up and down the main street before and didn't even realize there was a park back there until Sarah mentioned going there. Sure enough, behind a little kids play area and kid pool there are some basketball courts and a baseball field. I sat in the grass on a steep hill watching a bit of the game through the trees. I don't really understand baseball, let alone in Spanish, but it looked like they were having fun. *shrugs* It felt nice to lay in the grass. I definitely could have fallen asleep there. It was a perfect incline under some nice big trees.

I thought about maybe going back tomorrow. It's supposed to be even hotter. Laying in the grass it finally hit me- it actually feels like summer. I'm not sure what, if anything, is different now. It's not quite like when I was a kid and had that huge release of pressure from not having to go to school, but it's nice. Being a stray. Feels good, feels organic. If it's not cloudy maybe I'll go lay in the sun all day and only come in for meals and to charge my things. Or maybe I'll go to the computer lab and actually get some work or writing done. Who knows. For one thing, to get a library card I know that I probably need proof of residency- a piece of mail. Something I don't have yet. I did order some things today though, so I will soon. I shouldn't worry too much about going anywhere on a hot day. I only walked two miles today and it was so hot that I felt completely exhausted when I got back in. I was totally drained and barely had the energy to dig through my bag for a charger before I had to collapse and just lay at the table for a while...

Meundies was having a sale so I basically got one expensive thing for free and I signed up for their membership thing which is cute. You can get socks or underwear in cool patterns each month. And as much as I hate to admit it because I hate shopping for specifically both of these things... I Need them. Bitch had a membership for us when we were together and I got some fox panties then (enjoy those ones with my zodiac sign that probably came I guess? lol). I don't normally wear that style, but you Gotta sometimes, so I have them. So I know for a fact that I'll like them because the fabric is super nice. It's June. Of course this month I had to get the trans pride underwear. I'd like to own more pride gear in general because 1. People seem to be confused over which way I'm transitioning and 2. They think I'm attracted exclusively to women. Nothing wrong with women, but I am bi and prefer men or other mages (persons of marginalized gender). Anyway... I also picked out socks in my size and favorite color (nowhere else has my size in socks ever... big ass rabbit feet. Same with me liking my boxer briefs on the shorter legged side, they got those too), a sleeveless hoodie which matches the socks, and a pair of pajama pants which was the best of both worlds because they're still green but they also have trans pride colored lizards all over them (could have gotten lizard pantsu lol). It's like all this shit was made for me. I guess as far as the pride gear goes I'd have to take pics to show them off because otherwise they're... in the closet. I'm not funny bye

Written by iyazo

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