Sept. 15, 2021

Depression Sucks

I made journal entries the last few days but opted not to post them publicly because they were just full of depression-fueled self-loathing and venting. Probably not the most helpful for others to read.

I'm still depressed but feeling a little... less depressed?

I had gotten into a disagreement with my husband, and the depression was definitely feeding off of that. But he got over it finally, so I can relax a little bit. I still can't seem to focus on much. I try to do different things that sound interesting, but as soon as I start them, I get bored or overwhelmed and want to move on to something else. The more I try to do things, the more anxious and depressed I get that I can't concentrate or enjoy anything.

I did manage to get a bunch of words added to my Interactive Wiki project this morning, but I don't know if I'm satisfied with what I have done. I've been working on it since around 7:30am (so 3 1/2 hours). I'm about at my limit I think. The problem is I want to do more. I sort of enjoy it when I'm in a groove working on it, but then these thoughts push in about how pointless it all is (I'll never publish this for anyone else to see) then the doubts start.

But what else am I supposed to do? I don't have the energy to do much else but sit here. I could try to crochet a bit, but it's hard on my hands, and I get bored even while watching TV (rewatching Fruits Basket before I move onto season 3). I need to clean my bathroom, but that takes a lot more energy than I have in one go. Way too many spoons needed. I always start with the counters/sinks and never get farther than that. But I really need to clean the toilet and sweep up cat litter and mop. Of course, first I have to find the broom that went missing days ago. How?

I could try to go for a walk and sit at the park with my notebook. Today is supposed to be the last nice day of summer before the rain and cold temps set in (at least for the next week or so). It's the Pacific Northwest so the rains last until June. I spent all summer inside, exhausted. Now I'm depressed about that, too. So I could go enjoy the weather, but I think I'm getting sick.

My grandson came home the other night with a runny nose. Last night he wouldn't stop crying because (we assume) a sore throat. Today he seemed fine, but his mother was a wreck and said her throat hurt worse than death. My 15yo is also sick and having to miss 10 days of school because of Covid protocols.

My throat feels a little scratchy. I tried to stay away from my grandson, but it's really heard now that he knows how to open doors (he's 2). He just comes and goes whenever he wants. So I probably caught his cold and will be in bed for the next week. So maybe I should go out now before the sore throat really sets in, huh, and I have no choice but stay in bed, huh?

I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore because of this depression. All I can hope is my meds help stabilize things. I might take an anxiety pill and just lie around all day and wait for this stupid cold to take effect. Maybe I should cook dinner now before I feel even more sick. I was thinking tortilla soup. Or maybe minestrone for my sick daughter. Or possibly potato soup.

I like to make soups, lol. They all sound so good and will taste great when I'm sick. The 11yo will only eat one of them, but there's a ton of tacos and pork chops leftover.

Sigh. Decisions, decisions. And I suck at decisions on the best days. Blah.

Written by justanotherjen

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