Sept. 17, 2021

Anxiety out of control

It's just been one of those days when my anxiety has just been completely out of control. I can't pinpoint what's making me anxious. I mean there were things in the day I had to do to put my anxiety through the roof like mak a doctor appointment for my daughter, but that was a short period of time, and I've felt anxious all day.

It's so bad that my body physically hurts because I feel so tense, and I've had a headache. I just can't seem to relax and do anything. I thought about just watching TV but couldn't do it. I was too tense to enjoy it. I haven't worked on my Interactive Wiki project at all today because it's too brain-taxing. And I can't get my hands to relax so typing is really hard. I have to force my fingers to go where they need to go instead of them just doing it from muscle memory. I feel clunky.

A lot of times when I get really stressed out, I relax by organizing information. I know it's a weird thing, but it seems to help. I'll make spreadsheets and databases of information just to have them. Or make a bunch of notecards to arrange in different orders. It doesn't even have to be important information.

I did try to do something like that today and created another version of my Wiki project, but this one is just for me to have all of my information in one place. But it's such an endeavor to keep it organized and not out of control like my other attempts. Plus it's a lot of information to transfer over. I also tried transferring notes I've made on the story, but they're so full of spelling errors from my keyboard not working that it completely crashes Grammarly and any site using it. So I spent an hour trying to fix the mistakes on the first journal entry. After that hour, I found I'd only done about 1/4 of the file. It was so tedious. Ugh. I guess I'm leaving it with all the spelling mistakes and turning Grammarly off.

Of course, if I'm not actively adding words to the Wiki project then I have nothing to transfer to 4thewords.com which is a writing site that uses role-playing gamification for motivation (my referral code is: WVBIY23608 if you want to try it). I use it every day. Right now I'm doing a challenge hosted by one of the other mods, and I need to beat a really big monster by tomorrow night plus some smaller ones (you beat monsters with your words). My only words for the day are going to be this journal at the rate I'm going.

Just any time I think about working on any of it, my brain feels like shutting down, and I get more anxious.

Maybe I'll try taking a bath. Maybe soaking for a bit will calm me down. Or I might just have to take another anxiety pill and go to bed for the night. And hope I wake up feeling better tomorrow.

Written by justanotherjen

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