Sept. 21, 2021

Still Depressed

Mental illness sucks. You never know how you're going to be day to day. Especially with bipolar. You could be doing great, feeling stable and all that for weeks and then BAM, out of nowhere, you're depressed. Being manic can be scary, but at least it's usually productive. You tend to be more creative and have more energy. If you manage to keep it under control, you could get a lot of work done while manic (I once wrote a 46k word fanfic in one day while manic). But depression. That's not just scary--it's terrifying.

I've been spiraling down for days now. Today, I feel only slightly better which is why I'm updating. The last few days I've been too depressed to do anything. I've slept a lot and not just because my meds make me sleepy. I just couldn't think of anything else to do. I find zero enjoyment in anything. I can't watch TV, read, or write. Nothing is entertaining. Nothing. I'm not just bored, I physically can't enjoy things I enjoyed just a couple of weeks ago. Watching TV is tedious, and I turn it off after a few minutes because I'm not paying attention. Reading gives me a headache. I'll be ten minutes into something and realize I didn't pay attention to anything I just read so have to reread. But I still don't comprehend anything.

I've barely been able to work on my Interactive Wiki project. It seems pointless at this point. I'll never publish it. It's a waste of my time. Not that my time is being spent doing other things or anything. I was doing it because I had fun with it. Now it's not fun. It's another chore I have to do. I had been working on it daily for hours at a time since the end of July. Now I skip days or do very little.

I haven't been keeping up with keeping the kitchen clean either because I just don't have the energy. I manage to unload the dishwasher and feel exhausted. Sometimes I don't get that far. Just making coffee in the morning is tiring. Half the time I never even drink it because I don't have the energy to go back downstairs to get another cup. If I do, the coffee is always cold (I miss the 4-hour warmer we had on our old pot which you could restart as many times as you needed). Sometimes I wish I had a coffee pot, mini-fridge, and microwave in my room like a college dorm. But then I'd never leave, and the only exercise I really get is going up and down the stairs when I need to go to the kitchen.

I'm just so tired. Physically tired all of the time. And mentally. Emotionally. I'm tired of this fatigue. I'm tired of being unstable. Tired of constant depression and not being able to enjoy a sunny day or spending time with my kids. I don't enjoy anything for more than a few minutes. So I choose to do nothing instead of starting and stopping things constantly.

When is it ever going to get easier?

Written by justanotherjen

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