Sept. 24, 2021

Can't Wait for this Weekend to be Over

I'm so tired. Today was the worst day yet with my fatigue. Each day builds on the last. I have no more spoons left. I woke up a little before 6am and couldn't fall back asleep so I just got up. I was too tired to focus on anything, though. At 7am, I made some coffee when I went to make sure my son was up for school. Drank a cup (which holds about 3 regular cups of coffee) and was still so tired that I laid down for a nap after my son left. I slept from around 8am-10am and woke up just as tired as when I laid down.

Cleaned some more of the carpet for about an hour until I was too tired to keep going then had some lunch and fought to stay awake for the next 5 hours. I ended up having to babysit my grandson because my daughter had a doctor's appointment and her ex messed up his schedule and had to work. I was so exhausted, I just turned the TV on and laid in bed for a couple hours until my husband and other kids got home. I started dinner at 4 (in the Instant Pot) then crashed. I had laid in my bed to read on my phone and fell right to sleep instead. Woke up around 6--just in time to finish cooking dinner.

I've been yawning nonstop since I woke up at 6. I'm so tired, I'm having trouble typing and all I can think about is going back to bed. I mean, it's not like I can enjoy doing anything else. I can't concentrate on anything like this so I can't read or write. I can barely watch TV. It takes a lot of focus to pay attention to the shows and not zone out. I end up having to rewind because I don't remember what was even going on. Might as well just go to bed.

Tomorrow is Saturday. I should be rejoicing because I don't have to get up early, but instead, I need to finish cleaning the house, and that means fighting with the kids to get stuff done. The two boys are supposed to clean the downstairs bathroom, but I never went to get cleaning stuff so not sure how that will go. My 18yo daughter said she'll be home sometime tonight so she can help clean tomorrow, and the 15yo also said she plans to do some cleaning. The 21yo has a party to go to so she won't be home to help and hasn't helped at all yet despite just sitting in the house all week. In fact, I came down after she made lunch to a mess on every fucking counter in the kitchen, but she didn't have time to clean it up because she had a doctor's appointment to get to. Grr.

I just can't wait for the weekend to be over. I'm going to be exhausted by Sunday because each day the fatigue builds. I get more and more tired and less able to stay awake for a normal amount of time. Nevermind, being social is exhausting, and I'll have to entertain my brother and his fiancee on Sunday. And I have to figure out what to cook for dinner. I honestly don't know how I'm going to stay awake the entire day when I'll still have stuff to clean on Sunday.

Part of me wants to call my brother and tell him not to come, but it's my dad's birthday--the first after his death--so we're doing a memorial for him since we didn't have a funeral (he didn't want one). So I feel like I have to do this. Part of me wants to make my brother have this at their place so they have to be the ones scrambling to clean up. I'm sure he'll say I didn't have to go through all that trouble, but the house is gross, and I'm ashamed of it being this messy with guests coming over.

If I didn't have this chronic fatigue, I could have had all the work done in a day or two of working like 3-4 hours each day like I did when the kids were little. I haven't been able to do that in years now. When is this going to end?

Written by justanotherjen

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