Oct. 11, 2021

One Better Day then Down Again

This anxiety is out of control. I'm nearly out of pills, but my appointment is finally coming up (on Thursday). I'm so tired of feeling anxious all of the time. I know getting a refill on my prescriptions will only help a tiny bit (one less thing to worry about), but it's something to look towards. That is if I don't forget to ask about them.

I'm going to have to take one of my precious Ativan right now. I have like maybe six left, but the anxiety has been growing since I got up at 8:30 this morning and just getting worse and worse. It's too much to deal with.

And yesterday was a better day. I didn't even notice the anxiety until right before I went to bed then it hit me all of a sudden, all at once. The whole rest of the day I was pretty much fine. Or maybe I was just distracted because I was watching football with my eldest son (we root for the same team). But even after the game and cooking dinner, when there was nothing else to occupy my mind, I was fine. Right up until around 10pm. Then it was like whatever dam was holding back the anxiety cracked, letting it all flow back in.

I had to take one of my stronger pills (well, half of a pill) to fall asleep. And now I'm jittery and wired. I feel so tense. My stomach is twisting up. Every few seconds I have a mini-panic attack wondering what I missed today even though there's nothing going on. I hate this. Then I'll be reminded that I have that doctor's appointment on Thursday and have a full panic attack because appointments always cause me anxiety. Well, having things in flux and out of my routine cause anxiety.

I don't particularly like set schedules telling me what I need to do at certain times during the day (having an appointment qualifies as a schedule), but I do like routines because it's comforting to do the same things at certain times during the day. But routines are flexible; schedules aren't. And having that appointment messes with my routine and forces me onto a schedule for that short time. I hate it. I hate having to wait for things to happen. It just gives the anxiety time to grow.

I need to make a note and stick it next to my desk to remember to ask about those anxiety meds so I don't forget. I'll lose my fucking mind without them.

Ugh. Maybe I should just go back to bed and sleep until Thursday. Can't be anxious if I'm unconscious.

Written by justanotherjen

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