This anxiety is out of control. I'm nearly out of pills, but my appointment is finally coming up (on Thursday). I'm so tired of feeling anxious all of the time. I know getting a refill on my prescriptions will only help a tiny bit (one less thing to worry about), but it's something to look towards. That is if I don't forget to ask about them.
I'm going to have to take one of my precious Ativan right now. I have like maybe six left, but the anxiety has been growing since I got up at 8:30 this morning and just getting worse and worse. It's too much to deal with.
And yesterday was a better day. I didn't even notice the anxiety until right before I went to bed then it hit me all of a sudden, all at once. The whole rest of the day I was pretty much fine. Or maybe I was just distracted because I was watching football with my eldest son (we root for the same team). But even after the game and cooking dinner, when there was nothing else to occupy my mind, I was fine. Right up until around 10pm. Then it was like whatever dam was holding back the anxiety cracked, letting it all flow back in.
I had to take one of my stronger pills (well, half of a pill) to fall asleep. And now I'm jittery and wired. I feel so tense. My stomach is twisting up. Every few seconds I have a mini-panic attack wondering what I missed today even though there's nothing going on. I hate this. Then I'll be reminded that I have that doctor's appointment on Thursday and have a full panic attack because appointments always cause me anxiety. Well, having things in flux and out of my routine cause anxiety.
I don't particularly like set schedules telling me what I need to do at certain times during the day (having an appointment qualifies as a schedule), but I do like routines because it's comforting to do the same things at certain times during the day. But routines are flexible; schedules aren't. And having that appointment messes with my routine and forces me onto a schedule for that short time. I hate it. I hate having to wait for things to happen. It just gives the anxiety time to grow.
I need to make a note and stick it next to my desk to remember to ask about those anxiety meds so I don't forget. I'll lose my fucking mind without them.
Ugh. Maybe I should just go back to bed and sleep until Thursday. Can't be anxious if I'm unconscious.
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