Oct. 20, 2021

Insomnia Now

Okay, so it might not be full insomnia and could just be that I drank too much caffeine during the day. Either way, I was up all night. And I mean ALL night. Now my whole internal clock is out of whack.

Despite all of the caffeine, I was tired all day, yesterday. I could barely keep my eyes open at certain points, but every time I tried to go to sleep, I would just toss and turn. I couldn't stay still or settle my brain or body. I took one of the new anxiety pills to see if that would help (I was having an emotional day to begin with after something personal happened). I don't know if they calmed my nerves any, but they sure didn't help me sleep. I tried a couple of times to nap, but couldn't sleep. But I was also too brain-fogged to focus on anything so I gave up trying around 7pm. I laid down and watched TV, but my head kept hurting more and more. By 10:30pm, I couldn't keep my eyes open more, and the pain was so bad, I could barely move. I took something for the headache, turned off the TV and tried to sleep. Again, I mostly just tossed and turned despite how exhausted I was.

I did sleep a bit, but not very much. Most of the time, my mind was racing with thoughts. I forgot to take another anxiety pill before bed and regretted it because I couldn't get the racing thoughts and sudden, swift bouts of panic to stop. Around 2am, I finally gave up trying to sleep despite not actually getting any rest. I did force myself up to take something for the anxiety then read a fanfic on my phone while I laid in bed. I ended up reading until around 6am. Periodically, I stopped to see if I could sleep, but despite my eyes burning and being really tired, I wouldn't fall asleep. It wasn't until around 6 that I noticed myself nodding off and nearly dropping my phone on my face. Too bad my alarm goes off at 7am.

I slept for about 50 minutes before my alarm woke me. I got up to make sure my son was up and ready for school then told him not to miss the bus because I was going back to bed. Of course, my alarm for the bus woke me 20 minutes later, lol, but I fell right back to sleep and slept until around 9:45am. So I got maybe five or so hours of sleep broken up over nearly a twelve-hour span. Ugh.

I regret not taking on of the Zyprexa when I first knew I was having trouble sleeping and it was partly do to anxiety. I only have a few left, though, and want to save them for when I really need them. I guess last night sort of qualified.

The last thing I need is for the insomnia to come back full force. I suffered through that for over a year. A YEAR of never sleeping. I would be awake all night long, tossing and turning in tears only to pass out around 8am when my kids left for school. Then I would sleep until around noon. If I was lucky, I could fall asleep for a two-hour nap later in the afternoon, but for the most part, I spent that year living on 4 or less hours of sleep every day. It was miserable, and I never want to go through that again.

My husband did make me take a nap this afternoon after he got home from work, and I did finally fall asleep, unfortunately, I woke up tired and with a headache like usual. I can't win. All I did was mess up my internal clock even more. Now I'm sleepy, but it's too early for bed, but I can't drink caffeine to stay awake, and can't really do anything because I'm too tired. Ugh.

I just need to make it to at least 9pm then take something to help me sleep and hope for the best. Otherwise I'll probably be up all night reading fanfic again.

Written by justanotherjen

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