Oct. 28, 2021

Recovering

Things are a little better here. Minus the dead baby bunny (poor thing). I still have a hard time looking at my cats, but in the end, it's my own fault. Sigh.

My back seems to have healed extra quick which is unusual for me. I was especially worried because of the kind of pains I was having (stabbing/searing pain instead of just an ache), but rest seems to have done the trick. I haven't really put it to the test yet by doing a whole lot of lifting or bending over, but so far it hasn't been hurting at all the last few days. I lucked out for once.

Of course, I say that now and will probably jinx myself.

My daughter is home from the hospital and also doing better. They got her on some meds which she has been resisting for years. We've known since she was a teen that she had bipolar. She was semi-formally diagnosed at 15 or 16 by a social worker that said it sounded like classic bipolar, but she technically wasn't qualified to diagnose anything. My daughter refused to see a psychiatrist, though, because they would force her to take her meds (that was her reasoning). She's been dead-set against meds from the beginning because they would "change" her.

I don't know what she expected. Bipolar can't usually be treated with therapy alone. That can help you cope with the symptoms, but it's not going to fix the imbalance of chemicals in your brain. Never mind, I've been on mood stabilizers since 2013, and I don't think I've changed except I could actually feel things besides depression and could function as a normal human (not so much anymore but slowly starting to get back there, I think).

I guess this was the wake-up call she needed. I'm glad she chose the hospital over hurting herself which probably had more to do with her son. She would do anything for him and finally got help so she could be a better mother. It took me until my kids were nearly teens before I got treatment so she's doing better than I did. But I had little support. It took until I had a full mental/emotional breakdown in 2011 for my husband to see I needed help and couldn't get it myself.

So, yeah, things are a little better here. My anxiety hasn't been quite as bad, although my daughter (and the bunny) did set it off for a bit. I mostly get by without the pills except at night. And that's only if I remember to take them. Sometimes, I forget, and then I'm too tired to get out of bed to get them, so I manage to go without.

If only I could figure out what's causing the chronic fatigue. I've got my iron up, have the CPAP for my sleep apnea (which I admittedly don't use enough), and am treating my depression, but the fatigue is still there causing me so much trouble. I can't get anything done. Today I hauled the trash cans to the curb, emptied the garbage in the kitchen, and emptied the dishwasher. That was hours ago, and I'm still exhausted.

Sometimes it feels like I'll never be functioning again. I'm only 44, but I feel like I'm 80. I can't do anything anymore because I'm always so tired. And it doesn't matter how much I nap, I'm never not exhausted. And that just adds to my depression because I can't do things I used to enjoy like going for long walks or even keeping the house cleaned up. Ugh.

Written by justanotherjen

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