Nov. 11, 2021

Appointment Update

I had another appointment today. It went well. I managed to keep my anxiety under control with the help of a pill and some mental gymnastics.

My doctor thinks my extreme restlessness (I described it to my husband the other day as feeling like I have Restless Leg Syndrome but all over my body and all of the time) and anxiety might be side effects of the mood stabilizer I'm on. Which is highly unfortunate because it seems to be working on my mood okay. I was actually hoping to up the dosage a little this time to see if that helps me a little more since I'm still on the starter dose.

Instead, I'm going to stop taking it for the next few days to see if that helps the anxiety any. The whole thought is, well, making me more anxious. Of course, it is. Everything makes me anxious. I've had anxiety almost my entire life, but I have never felt anything like I have the last couple of months. I'm on high alert all of the time. Constantly tense, waiting for something to happen.

Some of it can be slightly justified. Like Sunday/Monday, I was constantly worried about my three daughters who went to a Harry Styles concert Monday night. The whole time I was worried they would forget something or something would happen to prevent them from getting inside the concert, and they'd all be disappointed. This was ratcheted up a notch because it happened to also be my middle daughter's birthday, so I wanted the day to go great for her. In the end, they were all fine and had a blast at the concert.

It's normal to worry about stuff like that, although not to the degree my anxiety got, but other times I have that same level of worry over nothing. Like I won't be able to even pinpoint what I'm worrying about. I'm just anxious all of the time over nothing.

So, I'm going off my meds for a few days which is making me nervous. I'm going to have to cut back on the anxiety pills as well to see if anything is being affected. More anxiety thinking about that. Then I have to email my doctor to report my findings. If the anxiety seems to be better off the mood stabilizer then I have two choices... one, find a different mood stabilizer (more more more anxiety thinking about starting over with a new med) or, two, changing my anxiety meds to better combat the side effects of the mood stabilizer. She said I could just start taking the one anxiety pill I'm on three times a day every day whether I feel like I need it or not to keep the anxiety in check. The dosage could also be increased if it's not helping enough. Or I could try switching to a different version which is a 24-hour, slow-release type instead of three to four pills a day.

Of course, if it's not the mood stabilizer then I'll still be focusing on the anxiety pills to help with the symptoms so I guess it doesn't matter either way other than knowing for sure if it's the mood stabilizer causing the problems.

It all just sucks.

I decided to start taking my anxiety pills three times a day plus an Ativan at bedtime to help me sleep. Tomorrow, I'll probably still take the anxiety pills because she said the half-life of the mood stabilizer is 2-4 days so it'll take a bit to get out of my system. After the first couple days, I'll try to hold out taking the anxiety pill as long as possible, but I'm not going to sit here and suffer for science. If it's bad, I'm taking the pill.

Having said all that, my anxiety was pretty much on the chill side today after the appointment. I managed to distract myself with writing fanfic for NaNoWriMo for most of the day. I got a lot done. Of course, now that bedtime is approaching, I feel it climbing again because I'm tired and having nothing else to think about. I was going to take another pill, but was out of water and just haven't gotten up yet.

Hopefully, I'll get some sleep soon so I'm not living off of coffee and anxiety for the rest of my life.

Written by justanotherjen

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