March 7, 2022

Trying to Stay Calm with GAD

It's been two weeks since my last appointment when I found out my doctor is moving away. Two weeks since I realized how limiting my insurance options are.

It's been one week since I got back on my Ativan to help me sleep at night. One week of still waking in the middle of the night and not being able to fall asleep.

It has not been a good two weeks. Things are so difficult. All. Of. The. Time.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) sucks beyond belief. I'm so tired of feeling anxious and nervous all of the time. It doesn't matter if I have a reason to be anxious--I just always feel that way. It's this constant jittery feeling just under my skin. Constant stomach aches. Constant worry in the back of my head that will erupt to the forefront of my thoughts at random intervals that leave me breathless and feeling more sick.

And now with this issue of finding a new doctor, I'm starting to worry about running out of my meds. I take three different medications to control the anxiety. The Ativan is taken before I go to bed to help me sleep. It keeps me calm enough to fall asleep and mostly stay asleep. I take two other meds during the day--one every six hours up to three times/day and the other up to three times/day but there isn't a set interval between doses. I usually take half of one of those in the morning along with the 6-hour one to keep me somewhat calm until after lunch time.

Well, mostly I forget to take the second dose because it's in the middle of the day, and I'm just not good at remembering to take mid-day doses of things. Instead, I'll remember around dinner and take another dose. Or take it before I go to bed along with the Ativan to really knock me out.

The problem is I don't have a refill for the 6-hour pill and only one refill for the other one that I take three times a day. Both are lasting me longer than prescribed because I don't take them when I'm supposed to and I only take half of the one pill because it can make me really dizzy (like motion sickness levels of dizziness that leads to wanting to throw up because the room is spinning).

I'm going to have to start rationing them soon to get me through until I figure out what to do about this doctor situation. So today, I'm trying to not take the two extra meds and fight the anxiety by being proactive and then distractive. Proactive is doing things that will subside the anxiety like spending time researching doctors on my insurance company's website (until it logged me out and wouldn't let me log back in). Distractive is literally just finding things to distract me whether it's watching TV, playing a game on my phone, or taking a nap--whatever gets me through the next hour or next outbreak of nerves.

It's a lot easier than it sounds. I can only tell it's working when I don't feel so fidgety that I can't sit still. And if it gets so bad that I can't even sit for a few minutes to focus on TV or whatever, I'll just take the blasted pill and hope it kicks in soon.

I'm hoping to be able to distract myself enough through the morning, then take the two pills after lunch which I usually eat around noon or 1pm (if I eat at all), and I'm hoping that will be enough to get me through until bedtime when I'll take the Ativan around 7 or 8pm to get ready for bed at 10pm.

It doesn't always work, though. Some days, the anxiety is just so bad, that even after the meds, I can't relax. I feel tense (physically and mentally) all day long, and nothing I do relaxes me. It really, really sucks. Hugs to anyone else dealing with severe anxiety because this is ridiculous. I used to think my depression was the worst kind of mental illness, but I barely even think about how depressed I am anymore because I'm too busy being overwhelmed with restlessness and upset stomach from the anxiety. Ugh.

Written by justanotherjen

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