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Captains log: day 2… starting again
Logging about a new job with complications. I’ve been in “notice” mode. Just notice things. No judgment. No criticism. Just notice. The last three jobs I’ve had, I’ve had to quit due to it triggering autoimmunity and migraines (my doc thinks) not sure about the migrain condition yet but my head! Oy!! And affects my entire body. The harder I work, the longer my recovery time, and the more sever the symptoms with each passing day. I worked one day for about 5 hours. I got home and sat for a moment so I could simply pull myself into my body and “notice”. It was my whooshing head that surfaced first, then the neck and face pain, my body felt lethargic and jello like. Mind you, I exercise every day, so I know this is NOT about my physical capacity. No! Im not going to adjust or get used to it, as I’m often told. This has been happening for the last five years or so. The more I push through, the grit my teeth and bare it, the worse I get. My intestines flair up, my joints stop working, my mobility diminishes and my mind just buzzes. And then…. I get sick and am down for weeks. This is the pattern. I feel so so alone with this because everyone I’m around believes I’m just being “sensitive” but these body changes are well documented with actual medical imagining that proves that “something” is happening. It’s the head pain that crushes me worst of all. It makes it impossible to be around other humans. I had finally relieved these migrains but it meant NOT working at all yet. When my focus can be on the home and child raising tasks, It was perfect. I began healing and felt it. I then Got bombarded with medical and psych for myself and daughter. I would be ok if I was aloud to just get through all the appointments and find methods that work for me. Instead, I took on a physically, demanding job that adds to the problem. When I lived with others, and shared household tasks, even then, I couldn’t handle both working and helping to manage her household. I’m reaching the point of throwing in the towel on this all. I need the money, yes. But my quality of life goes down the tubes because I’m no heard and am forced to take on way more than I’m neurologically capable of handling. I really feel strongly that the neurological aspects are triggering the physical conditions. Just soo frustrating. And of course, when you’re talking about auto immune diseases. The harder you push, the worse off you are. So a 15 minute walk can put me in bed instead of rejuvenating me I can tell you, I often feel heartbroken because I’ve just been accused of being lazy and lying about what I’m going through. I’ve just stopped talking about it with anybody that matters. I literally have one single friend who understands and then, of course, my daughter does because she’s got her own chronic pain condition that she has suffered with for three years now😒 how am I going to offer her solutions if I cannot figure out what is wrong or how to fix it with me. My only goal in this life is to pass along a solution for my children. I’m so sick of being told how selfish I am when everything I’ve ever done has only been done to offer answers to my family members. Seriously, as a child I remember being asked “what is wrong with you“ all the time and now that I am constantly searching, I am reminded about how selfish I am. Honestly, I just can’t anymore.
AvenegSllim (Lvl. 13)
Captains log: day 8
My physical body is exhausted. I’ve slowed down a bit but have made a commitment to myself that I declutter at least one bag, shelf, table top each day and continue doing daily maintenance cleaning.. even while sickly, life can be accomplished, and still moving in a forward motion! Very very grateful for this realization. The illnesses don’t feel so heavy when I know I can still accomplish tasks.
AvenegSllim (Lvl. 13)
Captains log: day 5
Logging complications and confusion’s: not feeling extremely motivated about this table of mine. I’ve created a “project” with EASYYY dailies and I’m fighting it. I want it done faster. My ego hates time.
AvenegSllim (Lvl. 13)
Captains log: day three
Finally, after a week of working with Habitica, I’m finally understanding how it works in conjunction with ayearago.today! What an incredible system you guys have come up with! I live well below poverty, and have been struggling for many many years getting the help I know I’ve needed. Executive function disorders are devastating, and dominate an entire life if a person is being criticized, judge, and punished For having divergent behaviors, such as, what’s happened in my life. I’m finally finding that I’ve got answers to offer my daughter who is 16 and has identical executive dysfunction. I’ve spent the better part of 50 years trying to figure it out so that I could be of some service to my children. my family thinks I am difficult, defiant, a baby, too sensitive, all the things! Anybody with developmental neurological disability, understands that none of these things are true. I don’t function in a typical way, and forcing me to do so, has paralyzed me up until very recently because of this app,website combo! Absolutely brilliant! I am truly blessed🙏🙏🙏
AvenegSllim (Lvl. 13)
Captains log: day two
My space is coming along! I will include before photos, and upon completion, after photos. I cannot believe that this is working for me! I have been in a total burn out for more than three years and for the first time in many years, I feel like I’m the one in control of my space! Edit to add: I’ve included two before photos, and will add more as I progress into greatness
AvenegSllim (Lvl. 13)
introduction (50yo single female, possibly autistic and most definitely artistic)
This is a very new process for me. Although I don’t believe in self diagnosis, I do have a ton of “autistic” traits and am currently waiting for appointments regarding a diagnosis. My point is that life, and all its redundancies has always caused me significant burnouts, shutdowns and meltdowns. I’m 50 years old and lost my souls mate a year ago. I was with him for 10 years and married for 20 years before that. After his passing, I realized that these two men took care of a whole lot of the areas of overwhelm for me. Another thing that happened in my life was a complete shutdown, A total burnout, about a year before the pandemic shutdown. I remember this overwhelming thought that lived in the back in the back my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was this “my clock is winding down. I am running low on energy and absolutely can NOT continue on even one more minute” and then I got sick. I was sick sick for two months and then ended up with multi-system damage that I’m still trying to regulate. Aside from all the trauma that went along with all this (losing jobs due to illness, no money food, a daughter who was sick too and now has autoimmunity also) I lost the use of my mind. I feel like it just shut down. It was brought to my attention that this all sounded like autistic burnout. As I began talking to my friends about this, I found out that many of them were diagnosed as autistic themselves. It’s almost a “bad” word in our society so they didn’t speak of it until I began running around like the mouthpiece I AM and shouted my questions from the roof tops. Anywho, my point is that I’ve never been given the opportunity to create and live a schedule of my very own. Because of this, I’ve never successfully managed ME, MY HOME, JOBS…. The only part I did get right was the raising of my children. But the only way I could do it was to ignore all parts of myself. It is like the neurological wiring isn’t strong enough to handle doing more than one major thing at a time in my life. I desperately need it a path to follow. That’s when I found Habitica. And Habitica guided me here! I’ve been on a two month streak of self care, home care, friend management, dietary management, chore management and time management… like, I really doing this this thing called life and in part, it’s because of spaces like this! Self discovery, and empowerment, combined with technology, is saving my life!!! Regardless of my diagnosis, it’s been through connecting to autistic communities, and apps like this that I’ve been able to rebuild (slow and steady) and validate the person I AM!
AvenegSllim (Lvl. 13)