May 1, 2023

The First Decent Day in Forever, Failure Rant

9:30 PM

I had quite the productive day today. I wonder how people get anything done at all? Am I just a completely undisciplined total loser compared to everyone else? The past few months, have I wasted every moment of it? Did I even write in my journal during the days I fasted back in January? Did I even write about my trip to Spain? Did I write about the places my dad and I went to in Virginia and Washington D.C.? I hate myself.

Oh yeah, and I used to have a 62% win rate on my main character in Heroes of the Storm. Playing a bunch of new games again, I brought that down all the way to 57% or so. I mean this is out of 200+ games I think. I realized I was never that good, or maybe I suck now compared to how I played back then? Either way, I played a "Storm League" game for the second time ever, and there are rankings in this game mode.

I quit this game twice, once in 2018 and another time in 2021. One of those times, I remember I quit because I met a really serious person in game who wanted to become a "Grand Master" rank, which is the highest game rank you can get. So I played a Storm League game with him for the first time, and we ended up losing. He got really angry at me for not casting a spell at the right time, and I was like, I don't want to play this game anymore. Maybe that was in 2018 or 2021.

So I started playing Storm League games now, and I only ever got to Silver 5 as my highest rank. That shows how much I suck at this game. There are many rankings, with the lowest rank being Bronze 5. To advance to Silver 5, you have to get to Bronze 1 first and then you get promoted to Silver 5 once you win a bunch more games. So every rank from Bronze, Silver, Gold, Platinum, Diamond, Master, Grand Master, has ranking numbers from 1 to 5 with 5 being the lowest level in that rank, and you have to climb from 5 to 1 to get to advance to the next league.

I only ever got to Silver 5 and then I got demoted back to Bronze 2 after losing a bunch of games. You basically have to win more than you lose to get promoted. Because if you win a game, you get bumped up some experience, if you lose a game you lose some experience. I think you have to win 5 games at each rank to advance, so to get from Bronze 5 to Bronze 4 you have to win 5 games or so, and so on, until Grand Master 1.

So yeah that's how I realized I sucked at this game. I'm such a failure. The Hindu Monk guy was at Grand Master level if he wanted. He was at Diamond 5 rank when I met him, and he intentionally lost a game I think, to become Platinum so that he could play with Bronze players. He's a really good player. Like damn. He's been playing the game since it released. That Hindu Monk dude was so chill carrying the team. I think I played three games with him total, and on the third game was with 2 afk players. I quit with him and I think that's meaningful for both of us.

Anyway today was a good day. I woke up and cleaned up I think. I cleaned up the dishes and the sink. At some point I also went out to the garden and I started pulling out some weeds and other annoying plants. I think a cat went into my back yard and pooped on two of the cement tiles and it's so gross, it was so smelly. For the weeds I grabbed, I basically used them as sort of a broom to wipe the poop away. The problem is that I threw these weeds back into some other plants, and I don't know where. So the poop is still there somewhere. Next time I pluck some weeds I might accidentally grab a handful of cat poop. Gross.

So I did that. I also renewed the Habitica challenges. I walked outside today for a couple of hours too. I told my nutritionist friend that I wanted to fast until the 11th and she basically said she didn't want to work with me anymore. I felt like a failure at that moment too. Oh yeah and Wahl put up a photo of herself with some other guy and saying happy birthday, and I felt like a complete failure there too. I am pretty sure I just ruined my chances with her because I acted pretty terribly on our date. I just barely talked at all, and she said she didn't feel a romantic spark between us. I've been trying to set up a second date so I could try again but now she has a picture with some other guy. I feel like such a failure.

I didn't eat much today. I ate some dates, and I ate some miso soup with vegetables. And that was all I ate today. Amazing. I feel good about that, because combined with the chores I did today and the walking for a couple of hours, surely that should be a deficit in calories, right? Most likely. That's one thing I feel good about at least.

I found out today one of my longest time friends blocked me a few months ago, back in December 2022. I didn't even noticed. I texted him on December 1st I think, if he wanted to hang out and he didn't reply back. So I texted him again today asking if he was still in Virginia, because I'm going to be back there in a few days and might want to hang out. And the message didn't go to "Delivered" so I was blocked. Weird. He also didn't show up on Facebook when I searched for him. Weird. What the f happened?

I also found out that AJN has me blocked because I tried texting her a few months ago shortly after our fast, and it never went to Delivered. I think that was when I found out what being blocked meant. At least with her we did experience some drama in the final days of our fast and throughout our fast. There's been a lot of drama since we met actually. I kinda had the same idea that I didn't really want to talk to her again after I dropped her off. And yeah. So much drama, random yelling, nagging, and so on. But I do get her message trying to get me to become better, but she couldn't really be reasoned with either.

Oh yeah and it's been a while since I thought about "Sweetie" but I did think about her a few times recently. Thinking back, our conversations went really well actually, up until her random disappearance out of nowhere. I unblocked her and no new messages from her showed up. She probably has me unblocked too maybe. I don't know. She hasn't initiated any conversation with me again. Maybe I am delusional, but I kind of imagine she also somewhat misses me, and because of the issues and stuff we talked about, maybe also cried while thinking about me? I really have no idea.

I thought about Aloe too. And Eda. And a lot of people from my past that I don't think I've ever written about or given nicknames to. So I'm the one texting Wahl now and sending her love messages, while she's probably with some other guy. I've experienced the same thing lots of times, women often show off other guys texting them and messaging them while you're with them, to make you feel special that you're the one with them, and also to remind you that there are other guys after her too. I've been read aloud some of their love messages from these other guys, sometimes it's shoved into my face like "read this", and I never thought I'd be the one to be in the negative end of that.

I do feel influenced by them a little. I for sure write and behave similar to them (the guys sending the woman I was with at the time messages) in some ways based on what I've read them send. There was one time a woman sat on my lap a few times because there was only like a room for 5 in the car, and we had like 6 in our group. It was a group of 3 women and 2 guys and the other guy was the driver, so one of them sat on my lap for the drives. I admit that was fun. She took selfies of her sitting on my lap I think, or someone took photos, and sent it to a guy that kept sending her love messages. And she read out loud what he said, that he was jealous of me and saying sorry and stuff like that. That's just one example, but I do admit I am influenced by that guy's messages and I wrote similarly to Wahl and also behaved similarly. I am influenced by everything.

This kind of stuff happened a lot, so there's a lot of examples. I miss being with these people, maybe. Maybe not AJN. I sort of don't want to see her again maybe. Too much drama. There were also dates and stuff I went on back in 2021 and 2022 that I never wrote about. It's so dumb of me too. Like why didn't I write about those days? Because I thought I would remember them forever, but I really don't. I don't remember their exact dates that they happened, so I can't even write about them. And I think some of these should be private, so I don't even know if I want to write about them. I suck. I think I suck, maybe I know I suck.

Yeah I am jealous of whoever Wahl is with now, if she is with some other romantic interest. Same with Sweetie, although I doubt she's with anyone else at the moment. I liked Sweetie, she was so straightforward. Any question I asked she would just answer straightforwardly and often very quickly, like a few minutes after I asked her. She has a busy career too, same profession as Wahl except a much higher and busier profession, and she would respond to me instantly often. Like I was a priority for her. I loved that. I miss that. Both of these women are doing so well in their lives. I miss people.

Oh yeah back when I was 21 I went out with a 24 year old and the reason I didn't like her was really dumb. We went out a bunch and did a bunch and she was actually pretty cool, but the reason I didn't like her was so dumb. Ugh. Why was I so stupid? Ugh.

11:04 PM

I kinda took a break for a bit and browsed Twitter and also asked a girl out since I'll be in Virginia again for a few days. She just asked me when? with a blushing emoji. Sigh. I feel really depressed and unattractive at times, and extremely lonely, and like a failure, but some signs point to the opposite like this one. Maybe I'm just really freaking dumb. I don't know what it is. I think someone controlling my life would have far more success than me and do far better with what I have than me. It's dumb because if I think back, I have done sort of well with women. I don't want to go into too much detail, but yeah. It's my personality that's the problem. Damn me.

I'm also pretty successful? Like I live on my own, and my home is fully paid off entirely. I just pay the HOA fee and any utility bills. I'm also pretty decently good at computers? I've created a couple of websites with more than a million visitors per month one when I was in high school and another when I was in college. I had half a million views on YouTube as a 13 year old 7th grader when YouTube was still brand new, back when basically no one knew how to make and edit videos and I learned all that on my own without tutorials. Same with the websites, I did that on my own, no guides. Umm lots of stuff. I published like 30+ apps when I was 19. I don't know. I still feel like a failure. I feel like a total loser.

It's hard to describe. I don't know anyone I can talk to about this. Well, I do, except I don't want to disturb them. It's so much whining. I whine so much. I hate myself. I just really want a best friend. Yeah I don't really have an internal dialog, but when I type I have one. I have an internal dialog as I type, and I guess this is how I talk to myself. I need someone to be with. I don't know. I still feel like a failure and a loser.

9:40 PM (of Wednesday, May 3rd 2023)

What's crazy is I got on Messenger after that and messaged this cute girl. We hit it off and I'm now flying to see her on Friday. I won't see her until Saturday but yeah I'm going over to California on Friday to go on many dates with her and have her as a friend with benefits. Oh my gosh. Isn't that crazy?

Written by JustMegawatt

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