May 13, 2023

Day 2

Good evening. It's been a bit of a rough day today. Is it odd that my roughest days are the ones where my husband is home? I struggled with motivation today which isn't abnormal but I did notice that I can be really harsh with myself about it and I need to work on that.

Tomorrow is mother's day and I will be having to interact with both my family and my husband's family on the same day which is hard on me I don't mind my husband's family but mine just leave me feeling so drained. I just feel so much like this burden that they have to deal with and that they're both happier when I'm not involved. I've always felt that way I can't tell if it's just my depression or if they actually feel that way. Like, I genuinely don't know if they like me or not. My husband's family doesn't make me feel that way.

Sometimes I have conversations with my husband and he'll be like that's fucked up. Like this morning we had a conversation that started with me telling my son that I love him and. Made an off handed remark about how I'll always tell him that because I never heard it as a child. We talked about it and I had to admit how confused I was the first time I heard his mother tell him 'I love you' because I thought that was something made up for movies and tv, real people didn't do that. He was like that's not normal, and I was like, live come to realize that.

Sorry I'm all over the place my thoughts feel like they've all been jammed into a too small filing cabinet and every now and then they burst free in little groups and peck at my brain until I acknowledge them.

Written by Ritzukochan

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