Halloween in the Birthplace of Halloween

11:22 PM

Today I took around 17000 steps, or a bit over that. It’s closer to 18k steps than 17k.

Anyway I would have walked more if I had worn better shoes. The shoes I picked out to wear for this trip are not good.

Tomorrow I’m making it a priority to purchase decent shoes. I need a wide fit shoe. My other shoes were actually wide and perfect, but I chose to wear some other shoes because they are a bit worn. That’s literally the only reason. They are Skechers shoes too, which are my favorite shoe brand, I like that they explicitly label their vegan shoes. I’m going to see if they have Skechers here in Ireland.

Anyway yes, we are in Ireland today, in Dublin, during Halloween. This is supposed to be where Halloween was created, and yes there were decent Halloween to celebrations tonight.

Sigh. I wore this martial artist costume. This woman came up to me, started talking to me and saying she liked my costume, asking where I was from. That was lovely. Thank you random lovely woman for starting a conversation with me. I don’t think I had much to talk about, I think she may have felt rejected too since I just said some random bs. Sigh. She wished me a good day and then went on her way. Sigh.

It would be so nice to be attractive and have a girlfriend. And to make a lot of money too, like I used to. That’s something I’ve not written about. I don’t write about how much I make or anything, but I used to make a decent amount. I mean keep in mind I bought my condo in PR with cash, on the spot. Sigh.

It’s also why I’m considering moving out of here. My income is there, but I haven’t felt any advancements. It’s been stale. My life has felt stale.

it’s kind of weird how our actions keep us in the same place subconsciously. Like even if we have a goal to lose weight, 99.999% of people do not, and I think the actual stats are like that. There was a study done on like 200k overweight and obese people, bmi above 25 and bmi above 30. These people don’t lose weight even after 10 years. I think out of like 30k obese people, only like 1 person made it to normal BMI after 10 years. Something like that. I cited the study in a semi-popular medium post I wrote last year, but I don’t remember its details.

I’ve not really changed much in the last 5 years. Yes a lot of events have happened. But wow I’d be much further along if I didn’t sabotage myself.

So yeah, I long for the “good ol’ days” when I was fitter, like 20-30 pounds lighter then now, and when I used to make a really good income, much more than what I make now. I mean yes it’s possible. I make a decent income now, it’s still average or above average nationwide in the U.S. probably. But imagine I still made much more than even that. In my 20s.

And I was with different women too. Again I don’t write about when I’m with women all the time. I don’t think I wrote about any of my dates with Mary, my ex-gf even though I should have. I didn’t write the entries yet for when I spent a week with Wahl, my dream girl, in Iceland. I wrote about those trips, and I made notes of what we did every day, but not a proper full length journal entry like this for those days. Idk why I kept things hidden, maybe I just don’t have the capacity for writing about it all.

For women too, conversations with them are fickle. Like I may match with someone on a dating app, or exchange some DMs for a few days. Then it dies out. Should I have written about those experiences too? In reflection, I think I should have. I need to use these entries to reflect better.

These entries aren’t for venting. They’re for reflecting and clearing up my thoughts so that I can succeed and do better. It doesn’t work if I’m not fully clear in my writing, by trying to obscure important information like when I was doing well financially, because I neglected writing about it, I stopped focusing on it and subconsciously minimized its focus on my life. I learned that these last few years. I need to put issues most concerning to me in the forefront.

It’s kind of depressing too that these states weren’t permanent. I was happy when they occurred and when they lasted, but they too are fickle.

Everything is fickle. It’s not only with sports stars who make a lot of money and then the income just immediately stops. It’s not only in marriages that end in breakup or a divorce. It’s not only with workers who retire or quit. It’s not only social media moguls who have a following and then become forgotten. It’s everything. Everyone is in a fickle situation for all their qualities and attributes.

Every moment is fickle and ending.

I am jealous of some of my friends who are making a ton of money, more than double or triple what I make. I’m so jealous of family who have these amazing relationships with their partners. So jealous of friends who can get any women they want. So jealous. But you know what? I’m most jealous that I feel like they just have these qualities or opportunities forever, but that’s not true. They only have these things while they maintain them, which is incredibly difficult to do, and they are well deserving of keeping it if they are able to maintain them. I know because I used to have them too, but lost them embarrassment.

i know better for the future. When I attain these things again and surpass my previous self, I’ll do better.

These are improvements I can only make after experience, after failure. It’s how failure is a valuable lesson. The really hard part now though, is getting to where I was before in order to surpass that version of myself. How do I get there? It seems impossibly difficult. It really does.

First, I need to exercise tonight. I would run if I could, for an hour, but my feet hurt with these shoes. So I’ll exercise tonight, but limit my exercises to just strength and anything with my arms and legs, not my feet.

Then when I come back, I’ll eat, take a shower. Contemplate more. Remake the habitica challenges. Then work on my finances or other projects or something.