Dreaming Again

11:27 PM

Okay, I am feeling alive again. Like I'm fully conscious and present. I don't really know how several months went by, and essentially nothing happened. I paddled the boat for several months and remained in the same position. Horrific.

I mean, I'm sure things actually happened on those days, but it all felt so hollow, and it all felt for naught. Isn't that strange?

Anyway, I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Positive, negative?

I like reflecting more. My reflections from last night were there and vulnerable.

Today has been a pretty good day. We went to Skecher's in the morning so that I could get some new shoes since the previous shoes hurt my feet so much while walking. These current new shoes that I paid around $150 for, yes they were that expensive, still have these issues. They still cause pain to my feet.

Afterwards we went over to a couple of churches, the first one was Christ-Church or something like that, the second was Saint Patrick's Cathedral. Then we went to the Guinness storehouse to see how the beer was made. I got the Guinness zero which is a non-alcoholic drink and didn't drink much. It tasted so bitter.

Oh yeah, before that, last night, I went to the gym and exercised, took a shower, then remade the Habitica challenges, exactly like how I said I would.

After Guinness, we took a taxi to the hotel and then just relaxed. I'm tired and my feet still hurt a lot.

Oh yeah, I don't get it, but a few women made extremely long prolonged eye contact with me. I take it as a big compliment. At Guinness, my parents and I were eating, they ordered vegan sausages, and I ordered the vegan bhaji wrap. The vegan sausage was only okay, the bhaji wrap was amazing. I don't even know what Bhaji is. Anyway, there was a black haired young caucasian woman sitting with a brunette caucasian woman, she had her back against the wall, so she was facing people from her view. My mom was telling me to look at this wall painting above, near the ceiling of the floor, that had a bunch of different countries on it. It was a game to find which countries weren't named, I don't think Vietnam was named.

Anyway, she was near these countries listed, way underneath it because it's high above near the floor's ceiling, so you can't see her when looking up at it. But when looking on a floor level, there she was, and she was just looking at me for some reason. So I maintained eye contact with her, and we looked at each other for pretty long periods of time. And I'd even resume doing something else, then looking in that direction again, and she was looking at me again. Eye contact for several seconds.

We would encounter each other several times. She was taller than me too. At the top floor though it was crowded and people were drinking. I was just following my parents around as we waded through the crowds. At some point she was there,, we made eye contact again and approached each other, she was going the opposite way, we made eye contact again, she gave a smile, then just walked by me, and turned completely sideways so she wouldn't touch me. If we just kept walking normally she'd bump into me, but instead she turned sideways as to intentionally not touch me. Ouch. That part was rejection.

At that point I felt pretty down and bad and ugly, like I was untouchable and detestable that she didn't want to get near me. Just then though another young caucasian woman bumped into me, just a few seconds later as I was ruminating on being detestable, I took that as a sign to cheer up and keep going. I was actually facing some other direction and just standing still with my parents, looking outward at the view of the city, from this 7th floor known as the "gravity bar" which gives a 360 view all around the city, similar to other observation floors, but this one was for drinking, when this other woman bumped into me.

Another eye contact event happened on this floor. This one is weird. I was just walking through the crowds with my parents, I was just following them. There was this couple embracing each other sideways, as they looked out into the city. This woman randomly looks behind her, and I happened to be there. Idk, she kept looking at me and making direct eye contact, for like 5 seconds until I came very close by, and then she looked away. Very strange.

Anyway, none of this means anything if I don't actually talk to anyone new or meet anyone new. I'm going to browse through Veggly, a vegan dating app, and just start liking random people locally. They'll be quite far from me, but maybe I can make a new friend and have a new girl to talk to.

Regarding my other endeavors such as wanting to lose weight and become fitter, I think I'm getting there. I walked around 12k steps today, and around 17k steps yesterday. I also exercised a bit last night, lifting some weights. I'm also not eating a ton like I would normally when not on vacation. So I think I am slowly but surely losing weight, getting more toned, getting more fit, these days.

In regards to building more wealth, I haven't made any progress in that right now. Same for my career. I'm currently on vacation and I'm fully immersing myself in the experience. It would be nice to meet some women, but again, I just feel like so undesirable and unwanted. I've had relationships before, and kissed in the lips a bunch of women, and slept with a small amount of women, been invited and flirted with a bunch by other women. But these states are fleeting. Like I don't have this same relationship with them anymore. Some women moved away, some were never close to me. These states and relationships are temporary and they must be maintained just like everything else.

Anyway, these are my true desires at least. I want to just feel wanted and loved again. It would be such a nice feeling.