Sept. 10, 2020

9/10/2020

Still not feeling any better. I posted something on twitter "cis men continue to be absolute garbage fires. Get tf out of my life if you can't talk to me like a person." and Sona was personally offended and blocked me. I guess I should be grateful if he doesn't want to treat me like a person, going on about how I hurt his pride somehow... I really can't stand some people. So I should be glad....why aren't I happy?

I have everything I wanted don't I? I have a house, I can smoke my weed and play games all day for all anyone gives a shit, I have my plush collection....but I'm not going anywhere. I'm not doing anything with my life. I feel lonely and hollow instead of grateful and happy. I'm not sure where to go from here. My whole life is a huge fuck up. I hate myself. Of course no one else is going to like me.

I keep listening to the same couple of songs on repeat. It's like my entire life is stuck in a loop.

Written by iyazo

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Comments
JustMegawatt
Posted On Sep 11, 2020

set some goals for yourself

iyazo
Posted On Sep 11, 2020

@JustMegawatt I should, but I have no idea where to start. I guess starting with Habitica and getting that organized and making sure I get back onto a regular schedule is a start, but actual goals....I'm not sure.

JustMegawatt
Posted On Sep 11, 2020

@iyazo yeah perhaps your first goal should be to find out what goals you want to set for yourself. Like what do you wan in life?

iyazo
Posted On Sep 12, 2020

@JustMegawatt That's a really tough question. Ultimately I want to be happy, but I don't know how to get there, and I don't want to be alone which is something else I can't do much about

Achaius
Posted On Sep 12, 2020

tbh if Sona was purposefully misgendering you then good riddance. I know it doesn't make things feel better in the short term, but starting a relationship on that profound note of disrespect is a huge red flag. You deserve better.

iyazo
Posted On Sep 12, 2020

@Achaius Thank you for saying so. It didn't set right with me that he said I disrespected his pride when he talked to me like that. It's still difficult and hurts, but it's probably for the best that I didn't get any more involved than I was. I might "deserve better" but it's really hard to find someone...

JustMegawatt
Posted On Sep 17, 2020

@iyazo I don't even care about being alone anymore. I've accepted that maybe I will be, but I'm fine. There's so many people online to talk to and chat with that even though I was alone all day today for my birthday, it didn't even feel that way at all.

iyazo
Posted On Sep 21, 2020

@JustMegawatt I still worry about it sometimes because I don't do well on my own but.....well my psychiatrist and therapist said they think I should get a pet lol You're right about having lots of people to talk to online, but while I communicate best through text and I'm an introvert, I sometimes feel touch-starved to just be near another person.

JustMegawatt
Posted On Sep 22, 2020

I'm opting to never get a pet again, too much responsibility for me, they often die which leaves me emotional, and animal enslavement and all that.

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