Sept. 19, 2020

On a Downward Trend

That's how it feels right now. I've been so depressed, and it just keeps getting worse. I still manage to get up early in the morning (not that I have a choice during the week), but by the time my son's classes are over, I can't stay awake anymore. Even today, after getting up later than usual, I was back in bed by 1pm and slept until almost 4. Woke up with an awful headache, feeling like crap.

This seems to be my days now. I barely stay awake until just after lunch then take a three-hour nap that leaves me more tired and in pain for the rest of the night which is just spent trying to make it to bedtime. If I'm lucky, I manage to cook dinner without burning the house down or cutting a finger off because I can't focus through the brain fog. I'm almost right back where I started before the new meds. The only difference is I get up around 6am most mornings instead of 11am like I used to.

On top of that, I had to forgo coffee today because my legs are so swelled up. I can barely bend the toes on my left foot, and it's hard to go up and down the stairs because my legs feel so heavy. I need to drink more water, but I barely drink any if I have coffee. I just drink the coffee. There isn't room in my stomach for the coffee and the water. So no coffee today which means I was even more tired than usual. It's 10:30pm right now, and I can't stop yawning. I just need to get through this so I can go to bed again.

It's frustrating because when the meds first started working, I was getting up around 6am and staying wide awake until midnight. I would literally force myself to bed so I could try to get a few hours of sleep before I naturally woke up early again. Now I get up, but i'm so tired all day long.

Then there's the depression which is making the fatigue worse. I don't want to do anything. I just sit here and stare at the same posts on Facebook for hours. I can't read anything that's more than a few lines long (so no books) because my brain just shorts out. None of the words make sense. I can read the sentences, but nothing connects. It's all just gibberish in my head. I also can't watch TV for the same reasons. Nothing going on makes sense to me. Simple comedies are confusing and take so much attention and energy to watch as I try to figure out what's going on. I'm too slow to keep up with it sometimes. My brain will start to tune things out because it's too much to process so I miss big chunks of plot and end up more confused. Ugh.

TV is one of the most passive activities out there, and I can't handle that. How am I supposed to do anything energy-intensive? All I wanted to do was write today. Or at least try to plot out some ideas for my NaNoWriMo project. But as soon as I sat down, the fatigue overwhelmed me, crushing any creativity.

I barely even left my room. Since I didn't have coffee, I sat in my room until I went to get lunch at noon. That seemed to make me even more sleepy (so I guess I'm back to this food-induced exhaustion again) so I took a nap. Then when I got up at 4pm, I went downstairs to get dinner. I went downstairs one other time to get a snack at like 7pm. I haven't done anything today. Well, I managed to take a bath so I guess that's something. It seemed to help with the swelling in my feet a little. I guess it was worth the energy spent.

I really need to make appointments to my doctors, but they're saying my husband can't do it for me anymore which has put my anxiety through the roof. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I went decades without treatment (even when I was deathly ill) because I can't make phone calls and appointments for myself. I finally convinced my husband to do it for me and now they're saying he can't? Great. Now what? I just go without again?

I keep hoping for another good day when my energy is up and my anxiety is down so I can make the appointment online, but I just keep getting worse instead.

Why does everything always have to be so hard?

Written by justanotherjen

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