Nov. 6, 2020

Bad Temptations

Today I returned my heart monitor. I did some paperwork so that I can get back on food stamps. I noticed that sitting in a pile of mail for me that wasn't brought in and nobody mentioned. I hate that kind of disorganization. This means I have to go out and check every day if some bullshit came instead of my roommate who is always sitting out on the porch messaging me and telling me to come get it which would make more sense since I live all the way on the 3rd floor. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. I don't know what is or isn't anymore because everyone I come in contact with has different values. Speaking of which I'm pissed of that I didn't get to vote because I had no way to get to anywhere to vote and had no idea how to get a ballot. I tried to have them mail that to me and it never came as far as I know unless it's buried under junk.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm not a good person and there's something wrong with my brain. I get this feeling like I'm going to pass out and I can't think straight. It won't go away. But this isn't the kind of thing I can afford to keep messing up on. I did today and I'm still trying to figure out why I did what I did. There's really no reason for it... I can't get myself to stop though. I've tried and successfully avoided messing up a couple of times, but if I can't get every time I'm worried... This kind of thing could ruin my life. Again. I don't know if it's anger for something going on that I'm not recognizing or self-sabotage, but I need to get it under control. I've wondered if control is a reason I might do it too.... It could be. I really don't know. I don't know what to do about it. It's the kind of thing that I'm worried bringing up to my therapist because not only does it make me seem like a scumbag person, but it couple jeopardize my relationship with my therapist if she just decides to go you know what nope that's too much for me as the kind of person she is... It's a lot to worry about. Another reason why I worry is I don't feel particularly good or bad about what I do. It makes the urge to act on the impulse to go away but I'm not happy about it, but I don't feel bad that I did it either. I should feel really bad about it. It's not ok and it's not something normal people do, but I don't know how to get myself to stop for good. I tried warning them about it, but opening up would have lost me my home without even having taken action at that point.... I just know that I can't keep doing it, I can't let it get any worse, and it's impossible to keep myself locked up in my room away from temptation at all times. I don't know what to do.

Written by iyazo

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